07/09/2026
Well this makes a lot of sense
BALTIMORE — If the All Blacks win the 4th test on Saturday, New Zealand and South Africa have reportedly abandoned plans to divide the Greatest Rivalry Trophy in half should their four-Test series finish 2–2.
Instead, the two nations have agreed to settle the series the old-fashioned way — with a full-scale beer boat race immediately after the final whistle.
South African Rugby Union spokesman Bartholomeus “Bart” van Rensburg and New Zealand Rugby's Director of Traditional Solutions, Sir Humphrey P. Wellington-Smythe, appeared outside the stadium to confirm the extraordinary development.
Both officials arrived with a can of Selective Memory IPA in hand, apparently keen to demonstrate that the proposed solution was already being taken extremely seriously.
Van Rensburg said the decision followed concerns that cutting a specially designed trophy in half was "frankly a bit silly."
"Imagine presenting half a trophy to the captain. What does he do with it? Put it on the mantelpiece? Use it as a fruit bowl?"
Sir Humphrey agreed.
"Rugby has a proud heritage of resolving important matters in the most straightforward manner possible."
"Sometimes that means extra time. Sometimes penalties. And sometimes you put 46 large men in a row and give them beer."
Under the proposed arrangement, should the fourth Test finish with two wins apiece, both squads will line up immediately after the final whistle and compete in a traditional drinking contest.
Not extra time.
Not penalties.
Beer.
The first team to finish its designated drinks will be declared the winner of the series.
The beer selected for the occasion is Selective Memory IPA, a specially created beer for the Greatest Rivalry Tour, brewed by The Shackleton Brewing Company in Cape Town.
"It seemed the obvious choice," said van Rensburg.
"Two sides. One truth. Two versions. What better beverage could there possibly be for settling a series between these two nations?"
The 6% West Coast IPA, with its big hop character and sharp bitterness, was described by one official as "almost suspiciously appropriate."
"After four Tests between the All Blacks and Springboks, there will certainly be some selective memories floating around," said Sir Humphrey.
Officials insist the choice of beverage has also been made with player welfare firmly in mind.
"The players will have just completed 80 minutes of elite-level rugby," explained Sir Humphrey. "Obviously, they will need to be hydrated immediately."
Asked why beer had been selected rather than water or an electrolyte drink, van Rensburg was blunt.
"We're in America. And frankly, beer is a much more fitting way to settle the Greatest Rivalry than chopping a trophy in half."
The proposed contest will involve both squads drinking simultaneously, with the first team to finish declaring itself the winner of the series.
Officials have yet to determine whether substitutes and management staff will participate.
"We don't want to make it unfair," van Rensburg said. "Some of the coaching staff have considerably more experience in this area."
There are also rumours that the referee may be required to supervise the contest, while World Rugby has reportedly asked whether TMO review can determine if a player swallowed illegally.
Meanwhile, the Greatest Rivalry Trophy remains intact and waiting for its rightful owner.
Asked what would happen if the beer boat race itself finished in a draw, Sir Humphrey paused.
"Best of three."
And should that also finish level?
He sighed.
"We'll probably need another six-pack."
With the announcement made, officials returned inside the stadium to iron out details of the potential boat race.
The players, meanwhile, have reportedly been instructed to stay hydrated, avoid unnecessary warm-down beers and under no circumstances practise their boat-race technique before the possible decider.
Percival “Percy” Puddleton, reporting exclusively from Baltimore for The Daily Knock On.
Shackleton Brewing Company
