The Sutherland Shire Gazette

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The Sutherland Shire Gazette

Serving Sutherland Shire’s finest satirical news since 2024. We dive deep into the real issues.

Here at The Sutherland Shire Gazette, we take journalism very seriously—just not in the traditional sense. As the Shire’s #1 source for satire, sarcasm, and slightly exaggerated local news, we exist to celebrate (and lovingly roast) the unique quirks of our beloved coastal paradise. From bin chicken invasions to parking wars at Westfield Miranda and council clean-up night treasure hunters, we brin

g you the stories that matter—or at least the ones that make you snort into your morning coffee. Our Mission is to keep the Shire entertained, informed, and occasionally outraged (for all the wrong reasons). Our goal is simple: keep the Shire laughing, questioning, and occasionally shaking their heads in disbelief.

28/12/2025

A local family holiday has descended into low-level emotional chaos after a Cronulla couple discovered their South Coast rental had unreliable internet, effectively cutting them off from ChatGPT - the primary tool they use to communicate civilly with relatives.

The incident occurred on day two of a week-long stay with in-laws, when the Wi-Fi dropped out mid-sentence while one family member was quietly drafting a “polite but firm” response to a comment about parenting choices.

Without access to their usual digital translator, the family was forced to speak directly to one another — a move experts describe as “dangerous.”

“I didn’t mean to snap,” said the woman at the centre of the incident. “But normally I’d run my response through ChatGPT first so it sounds calm, reasonable and emotionally mature. Instead I just… spoke. And now everyone’s upset.”

Witnesses report the situation escalated quickly. A passive-aggressive remark went un-softened. A joke landed without context. Someone said “I’m just saying” and meant it.

Her husband confirmed the family had become heavily dependent on AI mediation over the past year. “We don’t argue anymore,” he said. “We prompt. Then we paste. Then we nod.”

The breaking point came when the woman received feedback from her sister-in-law and had no way to ask ChatGPT how to respond without “making it worse but still standing her ground.”

“She just stared into the middle distance,” he said. “That’s when I knew things were bad.”

By night three, the family was rationing mobile data, not for Netflix, but for emotional regulation. One member reportedly drove to the nearest McDonald’s car park “to download a calm but assertive message.”

Local psychologists say the case highlights a growing trend. “These families aren’t dysfunctional,” one said. “They’re just used to having a neutral third party rewrite their thoughts.”

At press time, the Wi-Fi had returned briefly, restoring peace.

But the family admits trust has been shaken.

“Next year,” the woman said, “we’re not booking anywhere unless it lists ChatGPT-compatible internet.”

Because raw communication, it turns out, is not for the faint-hearted.

28/12/2025

CRONULLA - Shockwaves rippled through Cronulla on Saturday evening after multiple witnesses reported a phenomenon previously believed to be impossible: a long, slow-moving queue for the men’s toilets at Parc Pavilion.

The line, estimated at eight to ten men deep, formed near the beachfront venue shortly after 3pm, triggering confusion, concern, and at least one man loudly announcing, “I’ll just wait.”

Experts confirm this is the first recorded instance of a male toilet queue in modern sewerage history.

“In all my years people-watching, I’ve never seen it,” said Chris, a local observer and self-described expert in human behaviour and people watching. “Men don’t queue. They bush wee. They take tactical risks behind bins, trees, and occasionally boat trailers. But they do not line up.”

Adding to the mystery: the women’s toilets remained completely queue-free.

“That’s the part that shook me,” Chris said. “Something has gone deeply wrong with the natural order.”

Eyewitnesses describe scenes of quiet panic as men shuffled forward, checking phones, avoiding eye contact, and pretending this was a completely normal thing they do all the time. Several reportedly attempted the classic ‘fake exit’ - stepping out of line to appear casual before rejoining moments later.

Sociologists believe the cause may be environmental. “Parc Pavilion serves cocktails in glasses that inspire confidence but deliver consequences,” said one researcher. “Combine that with linen shorts, low-rise seating, and a sudden cultural shift toward men powdering their noses, and you have a perfect storm.”

Others speculate the queue formed simply because no man wanted to be the one who broke formation. “Once two men line up, it becomes law,” said Chris. “It’s like traffic. No one knows why they’ve stopped, but no one’s brave enough to move.”

The queue reportedly dissolved without incident, leaving behind only confusion, dehydration, and a collective agreement to never speak of it again.

Authorities have confirmed there is no ongoing risk to public order, but locals are advised to remain calm.

As one shaken patron put it:
“If men are lining up for toilets now, what else is possible?”

26/12/2025

Local authorities have confirmed a festive-season crackdown on one of the Shire’s most enduring Christmas offences: the Prawn-Head Dumper — residents who happily consume fresh prawns, then categorically refuse to let the remains decay in their own wheelie bins.

The annual behaviour spike typically runs from December 22 to early January, coinciding with peak temperatures and a sudden rise in residents roaming the streets after dark clutching supermarket bags “for no reason.” Surveillance reports describe the tell-tale signs: stiff posture, exaggerated casualness, and the distinct walk of someone carrying seafood shame.

Public bins near reserves, beaches and boat ramps are once again under strain, with locals reporting suspicious late-night activity involving careful lid placement, rapid dumping, and immediate retreat without acknowledgment of witnesses.

One Boxing Day incident has already been confirmed, with Graham from Caringbah finally disposing of prawn heads frozen last Christmas after rediscovering them while “looking for ice.” Neighbours report the bin lid was closed immediately and without eye contact.

Experts say the behaviour stems from a uniquely Australian logic loop: prawns are a Christmas essential, but the smell is “a problem for future me.” Unfortunately, future me has arrived.

Residents remain divided. Some argue it’s unreasonable to expect anyone to store seafood remnants. Others insist that outsourcing your crustacean consequences to the neighbourhood is a breach of the social contract.

Authorities are urging residents to take responsibility for their prawns this year, warning that while goodwill may be seasonal, memory is not.

Because nothing says Christmas spirit like community, generosity -
and the distant sound of someone jogging away from a bin at midnight.

24/12/2025

Merry Christmas from The Sutherland Shire Gazette 🎄

Wherever you are today - hosting, escaping, eating, walking, or quietly hiding in the laundry - we hope you feel looked after.

Thanks for reading, laughing, sharing and getting the joke this year.

We’ll be back soon. For now: be kind, be gentle, and pass the pavlova carefully.

24/12/2025

CRONULLA - Santa Claus was briefly sighted at Northies at 10:38pm, where witnesses say he assessed the humidity, listened politely to unsolicited feedback about the beer garden, then skulled a Sunday Road like a man with a tight schedule and zero tolerance for nonsense.

The appearance ended abruptly after a small group of hecklers questioned his fitness for rooftop work and shouted something about “fake beard energy.” Santa paused, finished the schooner, locked eyes with the crowd, and said nothing.

He then turned, power-walked to the car park, and executed a clean, no-frills vertical departure into the night sky.

No further sightings. Authorities confirm nothing to investigate. Santa remains ahead of schedule.

23/12/2025

New research suggests the Shire’s most elaborate Christmas light displays didn’t start with solar panels, Bluetooth apps or inflatable Blueys - they started with one precious string of oversized coloured bulbs on a black cord.

The study, released this week by the Gymea TAFE Unit for Decorative Culture, found that many of today’s most committed Christmas light households are run by adults who grew up in the 1980s and 90s, when festive lighting options were limited, bright, and deeply symbolic.

“If you were lucky, you had one set,” said lead researcher Dr Elaine Glimmeridge. “Red, blue, green and yellow. Big bulbs. No twinkle settings. No spare globes. You didn’t decorate - you strategised.”

Families without the “fancy lights” made the most of what they had. One string was looped three times around the same shrub. The rest of the yard relied heavily on imagination. Kids measured success not by quantity, but by whether the lights were visible from the street.

According to the study, those moments mattered. Children who once pressed their faces to car windows, counting bulbs and ranking houses, are now the adults syncing music, mapping power loads and calmly explaining to neighbours that “it’s not finished yet.”

“It’s not about showing off,” Dr Glimmeridge said. “It’s about recreating a feeling - when December felt long, nights were warm, and Christmas lived outside.”

Locals agree. Many say today’s displays are as much for their younger selves as for their kids.

“I remember thinking those coloured bulbs were the height of luxury,” said one Caringbah dad.

Council welcomed the findings, noting that while technology has evolved, the motivation hasn’t. “It’s still about community,” a spokesperson said. “Just with better extension cords.”

The study concludes that when a house lights up this December, you’re not just seeing decoration - you’re seeing a childhood memory, finally given enough power.

As one neighbour put it: “Fairy lights are nice. But those old coloured bulbs? That’s where the obsession began.”

22/12/2025

We printed a 100-page glossy Annual magazine.
You bought most of them.
Now we’re down to the “check-behind-the-sofa” stage.

🎄 Local Shire delivery before Christmas
📦 Glossy. Perfect bound. Smells like ink.
🧠 Includes:
– the best (and worst) of 2025
– Trevor (obviously)
– horoscopes, crossword, recipes, classifieds
– cold case Gobbler files investigation
– things you’ll pretend you already knew

Perfect for:
✔️ Secret Santa
✔️ That relative who’s impossible to buy for
✔️ Ex-Shire people who “don’t miss it”
✔️ Yourself (because you won’t give it away)

Final local delivery cutoff approaching.
After that, its a 2026 problem.

👉 Order now → www.sutherlandshiregazette.com/shop

22/12/2025

CRONULLA - Christmas joy briefly descended on the peninsula this week after Trevor the Dachshund and Jess were spotted lining up for Santa photos on Cronulla Beach, signalling what locals are calling “a mature step forward” and what Trevor is calling “excellent lighting.”

The annual dog-and-Santa ritual - a Shire tradition somewhere between wholesome and lightly chaotic - was already running behind schedule when Trevor arrived, refusing to sit, declining eye contact, and insisting on being photographed exclusively from his left side.

Witnesses say Jess attempted the standard techniques: treats, whispers, bargaining, and quiet threats about “going home immediately.” Trevor responded by lying down flat and becoming inexplicably heavy, a move experts confirm is a classic power play.

The situation escalated when Santa, consulting his list, asked Trevor if he’d “been good this year.” Trevor allegedly stared back in silence, prompting Santa to check the list again, then adjust his glasses.

“It was a real stalemate,” said one parent waiting with a golden retriever already sweating in a reindeer collar. “Santa was asserting moral authority. Trevor was asserting… everything else.”

Eventually, a compromise was reached. Trevor agreed to sit still for three seconds in exchange for creative control and a guarantee the photo would not be cropped “too high.”

Jess, observers noted, remained calm throughout - smiling, patient, and clearly in charge. “That’s the dynamic,” said a local. “Trevor runs the street. Jess runs Trevor.”
The photo was taken. Santa survived. Trevor tolerated the hat.

By the time they left, the crowd appeared quietly satisfied - not because the photo was perfect, but because Christmas in the Shire is rarely about perfection. It’s about turning up, holding the lead, and hoping your dog looks vaguely cooperative for long enough to document the year.

Santa, for his part, was last seen making a small note beside Trevor’s name.

Twice.

21/12/2025

A local commuter has reported an unprecedented travel experience this morning after boarding a peak-hour train to the CBD and discovering an entire row of seats available - all to themselves.

Witnesses confirm the carriage contained just two passengers: the commuter, and one other individual displaying the unmistakable signs of airport intent — backpack clipped tight, headphones on, eyes fixed forward - who exited silently at Wolli Creek without conversation or eye contact.

“It was unsettling at first,” the commuter told the Gazette. “I kept waiting for someone to get on and ask if the seat was taken. No one did. I had legroom. I put my bag on the seat next to me. I crossed my legs. I briefly forgot what year it was.”

Experts say the phenomenon marks the unofficial start of the End-of-Year Transport Mirage - the brief window in December when offices have quietly shut down, calendars are performative at best, and the remaining workforce travels like ghosts through infrastructure designed for chaos.

“There’s a tipping point,” said one transport analyst. “Once half the city has mentally clocked off, the rest experience moments of false hope.”

The commuter reportedly enjoyed uninterrupted silence, no loud phone calls, no passive-aggressive coughing, and not a single overheard conversation about KPIs or Pilates. “It felt wrong,” they admitted. “Like I was getting away with something.”

By Central, the illusion remained intact. No crowd surge. No sudden compression of bodies. Just peace, movement, and the low hum of a city already thinking about lunch.

Commuting experts confirm the experience will not last. “By January,” one source warned, “the trains will be full again. And someone will be eating tuna.”

For now, the Shire commuter remains shaken - but grateful.

“It was the calm before Christmas,” they said. “And I’ll never forget it.”

21/12/2025

We pause.
We remember.
We stand in solidarity with those affected.
🕯️

20/12/2025

SUTHERLAND SHIRE - Children across the Shire are officially preparing to re-enter what experts call the Competitive Measurement Phase of childhood this Christmas - a highly ritualised process triggered the moment Uncle Nick picks up a bottle of sugar-free soft drink.

What should be a joyful festive pour instead becomes a forensic exercise in equity, power and perceived favouritism - one many adults will recognise from their own childhoods, when rulers were retrieved from pencil cases and “fairness” was a measurable concept.

Eyewitnesses confirm that once the glasses are placed on the table, kids instinctively drop to eye level, squinting with the focus of junior engineers to assess whether the pour is “actually even” or “clearly unfair if you look properly.”

“It starts quietly,” said one Gymea mum. “Then someone says, ‘Why is hers higher?’ and suddenly we’re in a full-scale inquiry.”

The technique is universal: crouch low, tilt head, close one eye, and compare liquid levels down to the bubble line. Foam is hotly contested. So is glass thickness. Cup placement near the table edge is considered a strategic advantage.

Uncle Nick, 62, remains blissfully unaware of the chaos he causes. “They’re kids,” he said. “It all goes to the same place.”

Kids disagree.

Sources say Christmas Day disputes often escalate into demands for re-pours, cup swaps, or the ultimate accusation: “You like him more.”

Parents report that the argument is never really about the drink. “It’s about fairness,” said one Sylvania dad. “And winning.”

By afternoon, the kids will forget entirely. By next Christmas, they’ll remember everything.

Because in the Shire, Christmas isn’t just about giving - it’s about making sure everyone got exactly the same amount.

20/12/2025

SUTHERLAND SHIRE - After interviewing witnesses, reviewing CCTV, and observing dozens of brunches unravel, our Social Reporter has identified the ten most iconic ways locals escape social situations. Consider this your essential handbook to the exits that define us.

Consider this your official field guide to leaving social situations the Shire way.

1. The Cronulla Fade
Leaving a gathering by announcing you’re “just ducking out to move the car,” then never returning - later found 45 minutes away getting gelato on The Esplanade.

2. The Shire Slide
A silent exit triggered mid-conversation the moment someone mentions rates or school catchment zones. Usually involves a whisper of “better beat the traffic,” followed by total disappearance.

3. The Northies Goodbye
Saying goodbye to absolutely everyone, loudly, then remaining on-site for another two hours - often reappearing with a fresh drink and zero recollection of having already left

4. The Princes Highway Slip-Out
Quietly announcing you’re “just ducking to the servo,” only to be halfway to Gymea with the aircon blasting before the group realises you’re gone.

5. The Bundeena Drift
A soft, graceful retreat starting with “I might head soon,” followed by 40 minutes of driveway chats, three sets of hugs, and eventual departure long after everyone else.

6. The Flip-Flop Flake
Agreeing enthusiastically to “one more drink,” immediately regretting it, and vanishing before the round arrives - leaving only your thongs behind as evidence.

7. The Shark Park Shuffle
A perfectly timed slink away during small talk, executed between “traffic chat” and “property prices,” with the precision of a Sharks backline set play.

8. The Vinyl Room Pre-Block
Wearing the wrong shoes or shirt on purpose, ensuring you’ll be “denied entry” when the group inevitably heads to the Vinyl Room. A strategic masterpiece.

9. The Gymea Ghost
No exit remembered, only a knee scratch, a kebab wrapper, and $47.20 missing from your account. Researchers classify it as a Shire-based wormhole.

10. The Far Kurnell Non-Starter
Not an exit but a geographical inevitability: you never actually make it out of Far Kurnell. By the time you “head in,” everyone else is heading home. The cleanest exit of all - because you never actually entered.

- More to come -

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