The Sutherland Shire Gazette

16/11/2025

MIRANDA - Local woman and recently awakened truth-teller Karen Douglas, 45, has officially entered what friends are calling her perimenopause era-a season marked by hormonal turbulence, forensic honesty, and a growing tendency to append quiet, devastating commentary to the end of her sentences.

Witnesses say Douglas now delivers polite conversation followed by precision-engineered add-ons such as “smart choice, champ,” “interesting approach,” or the softly lethal “bold move.”

“She says it so gently that you don’t realise she’s offended you until you’re halfway back to your car,” said one colleague.

Family members report the shift began when she stopped pretending to enjoy Pilates and started carrying her wine glass like a personal protection device. “It’s not anger,” said her husband. “It’s clarity… with a side of ambient warmth.”

Experts at the Sutherland Institute of Hormonal Economics describe the shift as “a long overdue market correction in the emotional labour sector.”

“After twenty years of managing everyone else’s feelings,women are finally experiencing the deregulation of politeness.”, said one researcher.

Friends say Douglas has become a force of nature. “She’s basically Google Translate for nonsense - she converts it into honesty.”

Douglas says she feels “free, sharp, and mildly dangerous,” and admits her internal filter is “on indefinite sabbatical.”

“I used to hold my tongue,” she told The Shire Gazette. “Now I let it stretch its legs.”

Advice for others entering the era? “Get comfy, get honest, and if anyone tells you to calm down-remind them you’ve evolved beyond that emotion entirely.”

16/11/2025

CRONULLA - With Nippers season now in full swing, a quiet psychological shift has settled across the Shire’s beaches. What began only weeks ago as an earnest commitment to “getting the kids off screens” has rapidly devolved into a private, universal regret no parent will ever openly acknowledge.

Those early hopes - new uniforms, paid registrations, and quiet fantasies of raising the next Trevor Hendy - have already collapsed into a Sunday ritual defined by sleep deprivation, logistical panic, and the faint wish their child might show even a flicker of athletic ability.

So far, most have demonstrated only the capacity to chase a small piece of hose dragged through sand.

The chaos begins before dawn. Cronulla’s parking situation - described by one parent as “The Hunger Games but with SUVs” - forces families to leave home so early that several have forgotten which child they brought. Anyone arriving after 7:02am accepts their fate: parking somewhere in Woolooware and walking.

Once on the sand, confusion takes over. Despite decades of collective experience, no parent has ever known exactly where they’re meant to be. Each week, age groups scatter across North Cronulla like disoriented high-vis jellyfish. Maps exist, but only in theory. “It’s like they reinvent the wheel every week,” whispered one father. “And it’s always square.”

Water Safety volunteers are deteriorating quickly. Week One’s cheerful “Great way to start the day!” has become the grim march of adults entering 17-degree water while pretending seaweed isn’t a personal attack.

The children oscillate between “I’m cold,” “I’m hungry,” and “the sand feels weird,” moving slower in beach sprints than when the iPad battery hits 1%.

Still, the façade holds. No parent will admit defeat - not to one another, not to themselves. “We started this, so we’re finishing it,” said one mum, half buried in sand and resentment.

And next Sunday, the cycle will continue - sunscreened, caffeinated, parked two postcodes away - clinging to the fantasy that one day their child might progress to something more than chasing hosepipe in the sand.

Because Nippers, like parenting, is endurance. And denial. Mostly denial.

14/11/2025

It’s November 15, and that means one thing: the official start of the Great Shire Freezer Purge - the annual, unsanctioned community movement where residents across the region unite to eat their way through forgotten frostbitten meals in preparation for Christmas and the end-of-year exodus.

What began as innocent batch cooking back in February - Nagi’s spaghetti bolognese, protein-packed meatballs, “rescue dinners” for soccer nights - has now reached critical mass. With the festive season approaching, freezers from Gymea to Grays Point are officially full, and the only way out is through.

“I pulled out a Tupperware container that looked like chicken korma but turned out to be apricot steel-cut oats from March,” said one Sylvania mum. “I ate it anyway. I just can’t risk wasting freezer real estate this close to Christmas.”

Experts say the annual purge typically starts mid-November, once people realise there’s nowhere left to store Christmas ham, prawns, or the mandatory Sara Lee cheesecake. “It’s a race against time,” said local dietitian Mel Fry. “We’re seeing households averaging four to six mystery dinners a week.”

Council has already issued a friendly reminder about proper waste disposal after reports of multiple residents defrosting their way into existential crisis. “If it can’t be identified within 30 seconds, it’s not dinner - it’s archaeology,” a spokesperson said.

By late December, the entire Shire is expected to be operating at peak freezer efficiency - just in time for the post-holiday fridge purge, when locals depart for two weeks and no one trusts a single item left behind.

As one pragmatic Como dad told The Shire Gazette: “You can tell Christmas is coming when every meal tastes like freezer burn and regret.”

14/11/2025

The investigation no Shire newsroom dared to touch…

Now revealed - exclusively and for the first time - in The Sutherland Shire Gazette Annual 2025.

Pre-orders opening soon.

Follow to be first in the know

14/11/2025

GYMEA - A quiet suburban home has become the unlikely epicentre of what experts are calling “Australia’s most discreet financial conflict,” after a husband and wife were each found smuggling hobby-related contraband past one another - without either realising the other was doing the same.

Dave, 46, a mild-mannered project manager by day and blues-rock enthusiast by night, is believed to have masterminded a covert guitar pedal import network to conceal his gear spending.

Neighbours report a sophisticated delivery system involving decoy packages, alias names, and strategic diversions. “Last week he smuggled a vintage amp in under the guise of a Vinnies donation,” said one neighbour.

Unbeknownst to Dave, his wife Karen, 44, has allegedly been running a parallel operation - secretly importing Cricut crafting vinyl, adhesives, and glitter by the kilo. Sources say her cover stories include “school projects,” “committee supplies,” and “a fundraiser that definitely exists.”

“She once slipped six rolls of holographic foil into the house inside a Woolies bag of bananas,” confirmed a family friend. “It was a professional hit.”

The couple’s teenage children have reportedly joined the operation, offering silence in exchange for Macca’s runs and extended Wi-Fi hours. “They’re so busy covering their own tracks, they’ve stopped checking ours,” said 14-year-old Emily.

The standoff reached breaking point when two Amazon packages arrived simultaneously — one containing boutique guitar strings, the other a 12-pack of shimmer-rose-gold transfer film. Neither adult took responsibility.

At press time, Dave was researching “how to hide pedals inside hollowed-out encyclopaedias,” while Karen was seen moving Woolies bags labelled “fruit” into the craft room.

Experts warn this could be just the beginning of a wider suburban epidemic - one fuelled by Afterpay, passion projects, and denial.

13/11/2025

Another from the archives

CARINGBAH — A local man is reportedly entering day six of an intense personal debate over whether to keep the “exceptional quality” cardboard box his new fridge came in.

Graham Ho, 67, has not used the box, has no plan to use the box, and yet insists it’s “too structurally sound to just chuck.”

“It’s not just a box,” he told *The Gazette*, patting the side of the 1.8m tall monolith currently parked in his garage like it pays rent. “It’s double-corrugated. Reinforced corners. You could move house with this. You could build a house with this.”

Neighbours report overhearing Graham holding court in the driveway earlier this week, pointing out the craftsmanship to anyone walking past. “You don’t see boxes like this anymore,” he said. “Reinforced sides, clean fold lines, a proper base — it’s a rare find. One of these days, something’ll need storing and I’ll be ready. That’s what separates the planners from the recyclers.”

His wife Jan remains unconvinced. “It’s been six days. He hasn’t opened the fridge manual but he’s measured the box for shelving possibilities. I swear he called it ‘the big fella’ yesterday.”

Sources say Graham has shifted the box from garage to shed to back patio, each time murmuring, “Just testing the light.”

Boomers across the Shire are reportedly supporting Graham’s stance, with one mate describing the box as “a generational opportunity.”

Meanwhile, Jan has begun quietly cutting the packing straps to “speed up the decay process.”

Council has issued a gentle reminder that fridge boxes can be recycled, but added, “Statistically speaking, Graham will die before he parts with it.”

13/11/2025

WOOLOOWARE - Authorities are appealing for information after reports of a man in his seventies travelling eastbound along Captain Cook Drive on a fat-wheeled e-bike at what witnesses described as travelling at “a committed but largely theoretical pace.”

The rider, a retired local who reportedly succumbed to all the fuss about e-bikes, decided to embrace the trend - becoming an early adopter in a demographic better known for Sedans, golf buggies, and strong opinions about road rules.

Friends say he was excited by the promise of “effortless cruising,” though most agree the only thing effortless about it so far has been slowing down traffic.

Witnesses said the man was last seen shortly after 3pm Wednesday, with two Aldi shopping bags strapped to the back basket and an expression of quiet, enduring optimism.

“He was a pioneer,” said one onlooker. “Part cyclist, part traffic hazard, part meditation app come to life.”

Traffic along Captain Cook Drive reportedly slowed to a crawl as commuters adjusted to what police called “the first recorded case of reverse velocity.”

Dashcam footage shows several drivers losing the will to live somewhere near the Shark Park turn-off.

Local authorities have reminded the public that e-bikes are permitted on the road, though they “strongly encourage riders to reach a speed that can be verified by human eyesight.”

Witnesses last spotted the man approaching the Kurnell turn-off, Aldi bags flapping heroically in the headwind.

His current whereabouts are unknown, but locals suspect he may still be en route - powered by lithium, quiet conviction, and the unhurried spirit of the Shire.

Anyone with information is urged to remain patient.

11/11/2025

JANNALI/COMO - Authorities believe they’re closing in on the identity of The Honeysuckle Rock Dropper, after discovering the mysterious bags of rubble littering Honeysuckle Creek Reserve are part of what experts are now calling “the slowest backyard excavation project in Australian history.”

Residents say the bags - each filled with rocks, clay, and emotional baggage - have been appearing beside driveways for months. “It’s like a geological advent calendar,” said one neighbour. “You never know what you’re getting, but it’s always sediment.”

Council rangers initially suspected illegal dumping. However, new evidence suggests the culprit may simply be a local man attempting to dig a pool without attracting his wife’s attention - or paying for a skip bin.

“He’s clearly committed,” said a ranger. “Most people rent machinery. This bloke’s running a covert excavation by vintage plastic bag.”

Bush regenerators are furious. “We’re out here planting natives,” said volunteer coordinator Jenny. “He’s out here planting evidence.”

Neighbours report seeing the man in the early mornings, quietly hefting plastic bags into his boot before disappearing towards the reserve. “He’s got the focus of an Olympian,” said one. “And the lower back of a man who’s going to regret this in court.”

Council has reminded residents that proper waste disposal is cheaper than a fine and less suspicious than a trunk full of sandstone.

The suspect remains at large - but locals say it’s only a matter of time. “At the current rate,” said Jenny, “he’ll finish the pool in 2032. Just in time for the Brisbane Olympics.”

11/11/2025

Fresh off what he describes as a “creative exchange” with Noel and Liam Gallagher at last weekend’s Oasis concert, local dachshund and serial overachiever Trevor has declared he’s “ready to take it to the mic.”

In a statement issued from his dog bed Monday morning, Trevor confirmed he’ll be appearing at Skeeters Southside’s open mic night in Jannali this Thursday - and is “in talks” to collaborate with Engadine’s favourite 90s cover band, The Crabs.

According to Trevor, the band “approached him spiritually, if not logistically.” Witnesses maintain he simply overheard them rehearsing from the carpark and took it as divine intervention.

“They bring the bite, I bring the bark,” he told The Shire Gazette. “It’s pure synergy. The Shire’s answer to Oasis - just with shorter legs.”

Trevor says his debut performance will include an emotional ballad titled Who Let Jess Out? - described as “part breakup anthem, part concept album about shared custody.” Sources close to Skeeters confirm no one has rehearsed it, approved it, or technically agreed to it.

Staff say Trevor has already requested stage lighting, and a fog machine.
When asked if his new musical era is inspired by Oasis, Trevor nodded solemnly.

“Noel told me to follow my truth,” he said. “Or possibly to move. Either way, I’m moving - straight to Skeeters.”

One night only. Two paws. Three chords. No regrets.

09/11/2025

TAREN POINT & KIRRAWEE - Council has officially declared Kirrawee and Taren Point as “Protected Muscle Zones,” after confirming what locals have long suspected - that the area’s gym density now rivals Vatican City for weekly attendance.

Once home to mechanics, lighting stores and the occasional lawnmower repairman, the industrial estates have been reborn as sanctuaries of self-improvement. “Behold: the Charcoal Corridor - proof that we’ve evolved from making things to sculpting ourselves,” one urban planner remarked while dodging a rogue medicine ball.

“It’s getting out of hand,” said Council spokesperson Tina Marlowe. “You can’t buy a screw from Bunnings anymore without accidentally joining a six-week transformation challenge next door”.

The situation reached crisis point after yet another gym opened in a former plumbing warehouse directly opposite another gym built in a former daycare centre. Residents report the resulting dawn clash of bass-heavy “Ultimate Shred” playlists was audible from Kareela to Kurnell.

In response, Council is rumoured to be proposing a “Muscle Buffer Zone” - a neutral strip featuring a yoga studio, a juice bar, and small patch of grass where residents can recover from unsolicited fitness advice.

But trainers remain unmoved. “You can’t stop the pump,” said Blake “The Machine” Turner of Taren Point’s Flex Fortress Gym. “Progress doesn’t take a rest day.”

09/11/2025

Something’s printing...
and Trevor’s pretending he hasn’t read the proofs.

Stay tuned - we’re about to drop 12 months of serious journalism about not-so-serious things.

The Sutherland Shire Gazette Annual - coming real soon.

08/11/2025

The Shire is waking slowly this morning - heads pounding, voices shredded, and dignity scattered somewhere along the M5 - after Oasis-induced euphoria in Homebush.

For the 35–55 bracket, it was less a concert and more a pilgrimage: thousands boarding buses, dressed uniformly in Adidas tees and denim, crossing the Alfords Point Bridge for an event many are calling spiritually transformative and orthopaedically regrettable.

Reports are emerging of several near misses, most notably Sally - who, despite 30 years of lyrical warning, could not, in fact, wait. after a committed night on the Smirnoff Ices at Accor Stadium, her Champagne Supernova came earlier than expected - roughly three kilometres short of the Padstow Maccas loo stop.

Witnesses say she’s “fine now,” though her seat on the bus “may never recover.”

Meanwhile, the post-concert economics of regret are in full swing. Shire residents are waking beside $70 Oasis t-shirts and bucket hats purchased in the emotional fog of Don’t Look Back in Anger. “It felt spiritual last night,” said one dad from Kareela. “This morning it feels like evidence.”

By 10am Sunday, WhatsApp groups across the Shire are flooded with raspy-voiced debriefs, photos that seemed iconic at the time, and competing theories about whether Noel smiled. “I’ve had worse hangovers,” said Jodie from Gymea, now speaking exclusively in Gallagher. “But not many.”

Sociologists have dubbed the event The Oasis Effect - a brief, euphoric suspension of middle age. “For one weekend,” said one observer “the Shire remembered who it was before mortgages, school fees and sensible shoes.”

As the headaches fade and the bucket hats quietly retire to car boots across the region, one thing is clear: for a generation that never truly let go of the 90s, last night was the closest they’ve come to time travel.