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The Mandurah Blow-in, Mandurah (2025)

18/06/2025

Smart Street Quietly Fitted with ‘Enter at Own Risk’ Signs After 6pm

MANDURAH, WA — In a bold yet strangely sensible move, local officials have installed ‘ENTER AT OWN RISK’ signs at both ends of Smart Street Mall, effectively declaring it Mandurah’s own unofficial war zone — or as one resident put it, “GTA V: Regional Edition.”

The signs come after another weekend of chaos, including street brawls, airborne garden chairs, tactical kebab throwing, and what witnesses are calling “a guy dressed as The Joker doing donuts on half of a scooter.”

> “It’s not unsafe if you know the rules,” said one local. “Rule one is don’t make eye contact. Rule two is… actually there’s no rule two. Just don’t make eye contact.”

🔦 CURRENT SAFETY MEASURES INCLUDE:

Lighting – So bright it now doubles as a passive interrogation tool.crime continues its just a little brighter now.

Police Patrols – Present, patient, and gently whispering “not again” into their radios.

Security Cameras – Watching everything. Discouraging nothing. Now in HD so your mistakes live on forever.

Street Chaplains – Dishing out water, calm voices, and phone chargers like battlefield medics in a neon-lit trench. One reportedly walked a guy home while holding a meat pie in one hand and his self-respect in the other.

🧱 POSSIBLE FUTURE SAFETY UPGRADES:

Emergency panic slides – Straight into the estuary. Fast, effective, mildly damp.

Council-issued riot ponchos – Fashionable, flammable-resistant, and emotionally supportive.

Chaplain Mech Suits – For when handing out water just doesn’t cut it.

Dramatic fog machines – Because if it’s going to feel like Gotham, it might as well look like it too.

Despite the current state of nocturnal madness, the city insists Smart Street is “revitalising.” Locals aren’t sure whether that means “getting better” or “entering a new evolutionary phase.”

> “It’s not really bad,” said Mandi (Manga) Smith from across the road. “It’s more of a choose-your-own-adventure with fewer endings and more chance of death or dismemberment”

For now, the signs stay up, the chaplains keep showing up, and Smart Street continues its transformation from shopping mall to urban coliseum.

17/06/2025

Greenfields, WA — A routine bin night has spiraled into suburban anarchy, as residents of Jacana Loop descended into a full-scale domestic conflict over wheelie bin timing, positioning, and "unacceptable smugness."

It all began when Number 9 put out their yellow-top recycling bin an entire day early, triggering what witnesses are calling a "chain reaction of bin-related hostility" and what the police have labelled "absolutely not our problem."

> “They weren’t even full,” muttered Cheryl (cherry) Camelton from Number 14, wielding a garden hose like a tactical baton. “Just showing off.”

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🧃 Recyclables and Retribution

Within hours, the cul-de-sac was divided into factions: early-binners, late-binners, and the rogue middle faction known only as "The Split-Cyclers."

Spray-painted bins now display house logos, some protected by motion-activated sprinklers. A compost bin was reportedly set on fire.
At least one wheelie bin was seen chained to a trailer, "for tactical redeployment."

> “It’s not about the bins,” said Gary from Number 17, wearing camo and polishing a rake. “It’s about principle. And also Steve from Number 11. He knows why.”

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🦟 B***y Traps & Bylaws

Residents have begun booby-trapping lids with cockroach spray, dog poo bags, and in one instance, a decoy bin filled with loose glitter and passive-aggressive notes.

Bin night now starts with reconnaissance: torchlight sweeps, drone flyovers, and walkie-talkie updates from teens on BMXs.

One neighbour was spotted shouting “Hold the verge!” while laying down wheel chocks in front of the green waste bin.

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🧍‍♂️ Council Declines Involvement

Mandurah Council has refused to mediate, citing “deeply entrenched bin trauma” and the fact that staff are “still recovering from the Vergeside Waste Standoff of ’22.”

Unofficial sources say the council has moved to remote work until further notice.

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🪣 Bin Alignment Map Released

As of Thursday:

Yellow-top bins control the east corner of Jacana Loop

Red-lid bins have barricaded the driveway easement

The Green bin remains neutral — but has been seen leaning menacingly toward Number 13

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🚨 Outlook Grim

Residents are bracing for next week’s collection, with local peace talks delayed after someone posted a meme comparing Cheryl’s bin placement to a war crime.

> “We used to be a community,” sighed an elderly neighbour through the mail slot. “Now we’re all just waiting to see who forgets bulk verge day first.”

16/06/2025

"You Shall Not Pass: Ducks Block Road Like It’s Their Full-Time Job"

MANDURAH, WA – Commuters across Mandurah are reporting yet another surge in duck-related traffic interruptions, as flocks of smug, slow-waddling birds continue their campaign of unprovoked road domination.

The worst-affected areas include Old Coast Road, Pinjarra Road, and basically any spot within waddling distance of a body of water.

> “I left the house at 7:15,” said local motorist Melissa Griggs. “By 7:17, I was already in a full standoff with a duck family who couldn’t even decide where they were going. I don’t even think they needed to cross. I think they just enjoy the power.”

Witnesses describe the ducks as “unhurried,” “deeply aware of their immunity,” and in one case, “genuinely taunting.”

A dashcam from one incident shows an adult duck pausing mid-crossing to peck at something invisible, while at least eight ducklings meander behind it like they’re browsing at Kmart.

🦆 Experts Offer No Help

Wildlife officers have advised residents to “remain calm,” noting that ducks are legally protected and morally indifferent.

> “The ducks know,” said one ranger. “They’ve figured us out. We’ll wait. We always wait.”

Some believe the ducks are now crossing recreationally, with no destination in mind. Others suspect organized disruption.

A growing conspiracy theory suggests the ducks are part of a regional avian syndicate trained to test the limits of human patience.

🚗 Duck Traffic Stats

According to an unofficial council survey scrawled in biro on a servo napkin:

The average duck crossing delay in Mandurah is now 6.4 minutes

84% of residents say ducks have “looked them dead in the eye” mid-crossing

1 in 3 drivers believe they’ve been “emotionally manipulated” by waterfowl

🧠 Public Response

Locals have begun referring to duck crossings as “The Waddle Wars,” and online forums are full of suggestions ranging from elevated duck walkways to politely asking them to “please move along.”

> “They don’t respond to beeping,” said one frustrated driver. “They respond to nothing. They are gods now.”

Until a solution is found, commuters are advised to leave earlier, bring snacks, and emotionally prepare to yield to yet another bird with no sense of urgency.

More updates as the situation continues to… waddle on.

13/06/2025

Mandurah’s New Tourism Slogan : “We Had a Carnival Once”

MANDURAH, WA — In a move hailed as “shockingly honest” and “a clear sign nobody’s proofreading anymore,” the City of Mandurah has launched its new tourism slogan:
“We Had a Carnival Once.”

The slogan arrives just months after the closure of King’s Carnival, Mandurah’s iconic waterfront wonderland of barely legal engineering, haunted dodgem cars, and the kind of fairy floss that dissolved on contact with air. The park, which terrified and mildly injured generations of children, finally closed its gates in early 2025 — 75 years after its first safety violation and about six years after the owners stopped trying.

> “It’s a slogan that says, ‘We’re not promising anything. But hey — remember the good days?’” said a tourism official holding a clipboard and the shattered dreams of three amusement ride operators.

The winning phrase narrowly beat out some strong contenders, including:
“Mandurah: Still Technically a Destination”

“Now With 30% More Murals”

And “Rockingham’s Sleepy Cousin”

(Also briefly considered: “Mandurah — Not Every Business Has Closed Yet.”)

While King’s Carnival has become the unofficial tombstone of Mandurah fun, locals say it’s just the latest exhibit in the city’s proud transformation from regional hub to open-air museum of broken lease agreements.

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Recently Departed:

The Monkey Bar – Closed. Locals now gather in the empty car park out of pure muscle memory

Samudera Bakehouse – Imploded mid-scone. Customers still trying to exchange stamped loyalty cards for emotional closure.

Bankwest, Mandurah Forum – Gone. Because "its all online now" said by somebody who's clearly never had to deposit a chequeduring a telstra outage.

Godfreys – Evaporated. In the end, not even the vacuums could clean up the economic mess.

> “It’s like Mandurah’s becoming a tribute band to itself,” said long-time local Crayola Twiggy, 38. “We’re one heritage listing away from being renamed ‘Ye Olde Estuary Hamlet.’”

> “I’m half-expecting the next business to open in town to be a wax museum of businesses that used to exist here.”
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Council’s Recovery Plan: Confusion and Public Art

Despite the closure streak, council maintains this is part of a “modern cultural shift” — which appears to involve painting dolphins on every available surface and hoping nobody notices the Kmart Auto has been turned into a crystal shop.

New experiences announced under the plan include:

Showbag Saturdays – Featuring genuine vintage contents like expired Samudera croissants, dodgem car bolts, and loyalty cards for places that no longer exist.

The Smart Street Ghost Walk – A guided tour of shuttered shopfronts where each stop includes a laminated “WE TRIED” sign and faint sound effects of economic failure.

Public Sculpture entitled: ‘Fun Adjacent’ – A $200,000 steel spiral pointing vaguely toward Secret Harbour, because nothing says “local pride” like directions out.

Council also hinted at a heritage listing for the King’s Carnival ticket booth, assuming they can pry it out from beneath 75 years of fairy floss, asbestos dust, and unpaid invoices.

> “We think it’s important to preserve what made this town special,” a council rep explained, “right after we bulldoze it for a mixed-use retail experiment.”

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Asked if the Closures Were Part of a Long-Term Revitalisation Plan, a Spokesperson Replied:

> “No. But we’re confident everything will turn around once we finish the new mural of a dolphin riding a jet ski made of hope.”

Until then, Mandurah’s new slogan stands as a proud, slightly resentful monument to the past:

A town with a foreshore full of memories.
A skyline full of seagulls.

Mandurah: We Had a Carnival Once.
And now we have... directions out

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11/06/2025

🐦 Surviving Swoop Season: How to Apologize to a Magpie and Mean It

Swooping season is nearly upon us, and if you’ve lived in Mandurah for more than ten minutes, you already know what that means: blood, feathers, and sudden trauma near footpaths.

Every year, like clockwork, otherwise average magpies abandon their chirpy daytime personas and enter a month-long fugue state of parental violence. Cyclists are hunted. Children are humbled. And posties? We’ve stopped counting the losses.

Mandurah locals know — if you're heading outdoors between August and November, it’s not “if” you’ll be attacked... it's when.

Leading the insurgency is Gavin (the bastard), who has now taken most of Greenfields and several postcodes emotionally.

(For more information concerning "Gavin The Bastard", take a read of our article entitled "Aggressive Magpie Seizes Control of Local Street, Council Officially Too Scared to Intervene")

How to Survive:

Walk in zigzags. Not because it works — just so bystanders know you tried.

Carry decoys. A foam head on a stick might confuse them. Or just you.

Don’t run. That triggers the predator instinct. You will lose. You may be fast, but Gavin is faster.

Avoid “the stare.” Eye contact is considered a duel in magpie law.

Apologize. Out loud. Use phrases like “My bad, King” or “Long may you reign.”

Offer tribute. Shiny things, bread crusts, or your dignity.

The council suggests painting eyes on the back of your helmet. Gavin suggests you try it and see what happens.

This isn’t a drill. This is a seasonal war. And the birds are winning.

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11/06/2025

🏗️ Mandurah Roadworks Officially Declared Heritage Site — “They’ve Always Been Here”

MANDURAH, WA — In an emotional ceremony attended by three confused council workers, a perpetually unfinished section of roadworks on Pinjarra Road has been officially heritage-listed, after locals collectively agreed they couldn’t remember a time it wasn’t under construction.

> “We don’t know who started it,” said lifelong Mandurah resident Kerrie-Lou. “But they’ve been here since before the Forum got a Kmart. My nan reckons they were digging when she was pregnant with Mum.”

The site — affectionately dubbed “Conehenge” by locals — features an iconic blend of faded hi-vis fencing, aggressive signage, and several traffic cones that haven't moved since 2007. It's now being preserved in its current state to “honour the legacy of continuous community inconvenience."
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🚧 Generations of Confusion

Mandurah’s youth have grown up knowing the zone only as a place where speed limits make no sense and lanes vanish without warning. Drivers, too, have developed muscle memory for the detours, often missing newly completed stretches due to sheer disbelief.

> “Sometimes I just loop the diversion out of habit,” said one commuter. “I feel weird if I get through without reversing once.”
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🗺️ Theories and Legends

Multiple myths surround the site. Some claim the roadworks were initially started to bury a cursed Telstra cable. Others believe the workers are part of a secret society dedicated to moving dirt around and then disappearing just before school pickup.

One theory gaining traction online is that it’s less a construction zone and more of a performance art piece titled "Futility in Infrastructure."
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🧍‍♂️ Council Finally Responds

City officials, after years of silent nodding and occasional shrugs, released a statement saying:

> “Yes, they are roadworks. No, we don’t know when they’ll end. At this point, we just pay rent on the traffic cones.”

A motion was raised to include a commemorative plaque that simply reads:

> “In honour of all who waited. And waited. And are probably still waiting.”

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🔚 Future Plans

Although nothing is changing, council says the site will now be respected as a “living monument” and will be included on tourist maps between the foreshore pelican statue and the place where that one dude sells prawns out of his ute.

Locals are encouraged to visit, take photos, and gently berate the area for old times sake.

10/06/2025

They Built a Box. Mandurah Responded.

Three days in, it’s mostly complaints about bins, birds, and that guy from 42B

MANDURAH, WA – Just days after installing a new public feedback box outside Council Chambers, Mandurah Council staff have quietly begun referring to it as “The Box” — not out of reverence or mystery, but because it’s already full of handwritten grievances, passive-aggressive notes, and emotional damage in envelope form.

> “We were expecting a few pothole complaints and maybe one letter about footpaths,” said admin officer Mel. “Instead we’ve received three notes about loud bins, one about duck-to-human ratios, and a drawing of a crab with a knife.”

The Box, located near the main entrance between the faded bike rack and the vending machine that only dispenses Coke Zero, was meant to foster positive civic engagement. But instead, it's turned into a psychological sponge for suburban tension.

📬 Early Submissions Include:

“Bins too early. Birds too loud. People too people-y.”

“Can the seagulls near Dolphin Quay be trained or at least fined?”

“My neighbour’s cat keeps watching me through my blinds. It's unnerving.”

“Please fix the roundabout near the servo. It’s a circle of pain.”

“That guy from 42B keeps using my hose. Not a council issue but I need someone to know.”

“Park bench near Estuary smells like crab and regret.”

“Can we get more parking at Bunnings or fewer utes? Either one works.”

One envelope contained only a single sentence:

> “Leaf blowers are a hate crime.”

Another was stuffed with glitter and a vague demand to “Bring back the good old lights.”

🗂️ Box Management Becoming a Problem

Staff have begun rotating box-checking duties to avoid burnout. One junior employee now only opens it with tongs. Another has started bringing gloves, “just in case it’s emotional again.”

Kylie from accounts has started keeping a tally on a sticky note titled “Jet Ski Opinions” (currently split 50/50 between 'ban them' and 'give them more rights').

🧍 Local Reaction

Some residents have praised the box’s “anonymous energy,” while others have simply walked past it, muttering “cowards” under their breath.

> “I was gonna say something about the bin pickup being inconsistent,” said one local, “but then I read the one about ‘the vibes in Meadow Springs’ and realised I’m not that unwell yet.”

🪪 Council Response

Council has not yet made a formal statement, but one staffer confirmed:

> “We’re reading everything. We’re not enjoying it, but we’re reading it.”

For now, The Box remains open — stuffed with crab-scented notes, suspiciously folded diagrams, and more than one submission that just reads:

> “You know what you did.”

We’ll be doing frequent follow-ups as The Box progresses.

Stay tuned. It’s only getting weirder.

09/06/2025

🐦 Aggressive Magpie Seizes Control of Local Street, Council Officially Too Scared to Intervene

GREENFIELDS, WA – Chaos has unfolded on a once-quiet Greenfields street after an unreasonably aggressive magpie launched a full-scale aerial campaign of dominance, leading residents to declare the bird “de facto mayor” while the council quietly backs away and pretends it isn’t happening.

The feathered tyrant, now roosted permanently on powerlines above Kookaburra Drive, has attacked no fewer than twelve posties, a Telstra contractor, and one extremely shaken plumber who has since relocated to Meadow Springs.

> “He clocked me straight in the temple,” said Shane “Snags” Watkins, while packing up his toolbox with trembling hands. “Didn’t even give a warning swoop. Just went straight to violence.”

Residents say the magpie, unofficially named "Gavin the Bastard", began his reign during nesting season but has since shown no interest in retiring, even as his chicks have long fledged and moved on to better suburbs.

Council Issues Statement, Immediately Regrets It

When asked for comment, Mandurah Council released a short statement:

> “While Gavin is technically not on the electoral roll, we have no legal authority to remove him unless he directly pecks someone into hospital. At this time, we advise residents to simply… avoid eye contact.”

An accompanying infographic titled “What To Do When Attacked By a Magpie” was just a single image of someone curling into the foetal position.

Postal Collapse and Daily Fear

Since the takeover, postal deliveries have ceased entirely. Uber Eats drop-offs are now made “at the roundabout near the servo” and one Australia Post contractor reportedly quit mid-route, abandoning his e-bike and walking home in silence.

Children on scooters have been rerouted. Bin nights are rescheduled around wind direction. One resident constructed a crude cardboard decoy of himself to move the bins. It was destroyed in seconds.

Resistance Fails

A brief community effort to reclaim Kookaburra Drive was made last week using umbrellas, bike helmets, and positive affirmations. It lasted 9 minutes.

> “He looked straight through me,” whispered Janet, leader of the failed uprising. “Like he knew where I lived.”

Long-Term Outlook Grim

Council has added Gavin’s nest to the protected structures list under “emergency policy compliance,” making the first magpie nest in WA to be heritage-listed due to fear.

Until further notice, Kookaburra Drive remains under Gavin’s control, with residents advised to proceed only if “absolutely necessary and emotionally prepared for warfare.”

One child on the street summed it up best:

> “He’s not a bird. He’s a problem with wings.”

09/06/2025

🏗️ The Leaning Tower of Dawesville

Mandurah’s Accidental Tourist Attraction Draws Worldwide Confusion and Mild Concern

DAWESVILLE, WA – What began as a bungee jumper’s rogue leap has become Mandurah’s most beloved structural mishap: the Dawesville Bridge now leans approximately 1.2 degrees to the southwest, making it Western Australia’s answer to the Leaning Tower of Pisa – but with more mullets and less architectural integrity.

Engineers inspecting the bridge after a local man launched himself from the structure with a Kmart bungee cord, a GoPro, and the encouragement of three Toohey’s Extra Drys, noted the slight lean and declared it “probably fine for now.” Locals, however, have already claimed it as their own.

> “Honestly, I thought it was just the wind or a weird hangover,” said Lisa Trenholm, a Falcon resident. “But now that we know it’s legit crooked, I’m bringing all the rellies down for photos. Italy’s got nothing on us.”

Councillor's Reaction

Mandurah Councillor Barry "Baz" Hemmings held a press conference at the base of the bridge, flanked by a crab mascot and a man in hi-vis eating a Chico roll.

> “We’re officially renaming it ‘The Leaning Tower of Dawesville,’” Baz announced while holding up a commemorative stubby holder. “It’s a miracle, and we’re monetising it. Tours start Monday.”

When asked whether the lean posed a safety concern, Baz replied, “Mate, it’s only leaning a bit. It adds character. Plus, our budget doesn’t really cover ‘fixing massive infrastructure.’”

Tourism Boom

Since the announcement, tourism in the area has exploded. Local businesses are already adapting:

A coffee van now sells Tilt Lattes

A pub is offering the Bridge Bender Special – two pints and a shot of regret

Souvenir shops have stocked up on tiny lopsided bridge snow globes and T-shirts that read “I Got Bent in Dawesville”

One Perth couple even renewed their vows on the bridge, citing the lean as “a symbol of our slightly off-kilter but enduring love.”

Next Steps

The City of Mandurah is considering erecting a second leaning structure nearby “just to balance it out,” possibly a purposely tilted servo, Centrelink, or statue of a man fighting a pelican over chips.

Transport WA has stated they will “keep an eye on it,” but in the meantime, the public is advised to continue using the bridge “like you normally would, just maybe don’t all stand on the left side at once.”

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EDITOR'S NOTE: The Leaning Tower of Dawesgille is not heritage-listed. Yet.

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05/06/2025

Mandurah Forum Declares Itself Independent State After Fourth Escalator Breakdown

By The Mandurah Blow-In | Thursday

MANDURAH – In a bold political move, Mandurah Forum has officially seceded from Australia, declaring itself the Independent Republic of Retail following the breakdown of its last functioning escalator.

The announcement was made by a man in high-vis holding a box of Cheezels, standing on a milk crate near the food court. “We’ve been operating under our own rules for years,” he yelled, to general applause and one half-hearted v**e cloud salute.

Security, now referred to as the National Guard, are enforcing border control at the main entrance. Shoppers must present either a Flybuys card or a receipt from Best & Less to enter.

A provisional government has already formed, consisting of:

One overworked Muffin Break employee,

Three mums with prams blocking the whole aisle,

And the bloke who hangs around EB Games without ever buying anything.

Diplomatic tensions are already rising, with Mandurah Centro (the lesser shopping centre) issuing a statement claiming it remains “the true capital of Mandurah,” despite having one chemist and a very sad bakery.

Forum leadership says they’re prepared to “go to war” if the escalators aren’t fixed. “We demand vertical movement,” shouted one angry citizen, stuck on the lower floor near the Telstra shop.

Economists are unsure how the Forum will survive long-term, but insiders say the food court alone has enough potato gems and bubble tea to outlast most sieges.

As of press time, the new nation has applied for UN recognition, free Wi-Fi, and exclusive trade deals with Cotton on and subway.

04/06/2025

Mandurah Named #1 Tourist Destination

By The Mandurah Blow-In | Tuesday

MANDURAH – In a stunning upset that shocked travel journalists and confused map-readers everywhere, Mandurah has officially been named the #1 tourist destination by the Global Association of People Who've Never Left Their Postcode.

Beating out exotic locales like Paris, Santorini, and literally anywhere else, Mandurah claimed top spot thanks to its world-class attractions: confusing roundabouts, jet skis used as transport, and the elusive crab festival that locals treat like Coachella.

"Where else can you get a feed, a punch-on, and a scenic view of a man falling off a houseboat all in the same afternoon?" said proud local Jim Bridges, 47, while standing barefoot in a servo car park. "Mandurah has it all — crabs, canals, and three different shops that all sell fake Crocs."

The judging panel was allegedly swayed by Mandurah’s “unique blend of natural beauty and retail-grade chaos.” One judge described it as “like Venice, but louder and with more v**e smoke.”

Tourism WA responded with cautious optimism. “We didn’t ask for this title, but we’ll take it,” said a spokesperson, while googling ‘how to rent a Segway safely.’

Locals celebrated with a spontaneous hoon convoy along the foreshore, two BBQ fires, and one emergency shutdown of the Forum escalators.

As one tourist from Midland put it:

> "I came here to escape my problems. Now i realise they aernt so bad ."

04/06/2025

Council Denies Allegations That Roadworks Are Just Elaborate Cone Storage

Mandurah – Tuesday

Locals have raised concerns this week after another 300m stretch of seemingly untouched road was closed off for what appears to be no reason other than housing a majestic colony of traffic cones.

When asked what work was being carried out, a council spokesperson replied, “We’re conducting critical cone alignment checks,” before tripping over a witches hat and retreating behind a high-vis barrier.

Locals report no visible work has been done for over 9 months, though the cones have “moved slightly to the left once.” One resident claims to have seen a tradie use one as an ashtray.

Council maintains the area is part of a top-secret "traffic management trial," despite the cones being arranged in what appears to be a crude ph***ic symbol.

If you have any information about this bizarre and deeply unsettling cover up by our own local government please get in touch.
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The Mandurah Blow-in

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