08/09/2025
The desire to please is costly…
I was 12 years old.
Kenny was a neighbour who I trusted and loved.
He had invited me, mum and my sister to the ‘Wharfies picnic’.
This was an annual event put on by the organisation that employed all the wharf workers so they could celebrate Christmas and everything was supplied, even Father Christmas.
It was warm, there was plenty of food, fun and entertainment.
I don’t remember much about the day, except that in one instance, my whole world changed.
Kenny was excited. His wife was too.
There was a beauty contest and you had to be 16 years old to enter.
Kenny told my mum I should enter, then everyone started getting excited. Yes…you are tall, you are beautiful, you look 16 and surely, you will win.
No way, I said.
But they were on a roll. You just smile and walk up and down the semi-trailer a few times. In your bikini!!!!! I could not believe I was hearing it.
And in an instant, it was all happening.
I was up on the back of a truck in front of a crowd of mostly men, mostly inebriated and I froze. I clung on to my quicksilver surf shirt which was covering my body.
The other girls seemed to be having a good time. Parading up and down with all the ‘moves’ and I was looking for somewhere to
hide.
It was intense. My 12-year-old mind was starting to shame my developing body.
Caught up in the emotions of shame, guilt, terror and humiliation I shut down.
In that moment, I decided that women were competition.
In that moment, I decided that my body was worth more than my voice.
In that moment, I decided that external beauty was above everything.
In that moment, I decided I needed to please to be accepted.
In that moment, I decided I needed to be sexy to be liked.
I gave up my power.
After what seemed like an eternity, they announced I was the winner.
I won $10. But what I lost cost me thousands.
I lost innocence.
I lost trust.
I lost respect for my body.
I lost my voice.
I lost girlfriends.
I lost the desire to be a woman.
For years, I lived out the beliefs I formed at that young age.
Slowly and painfully over time, with much personal development, life experience and investing in my growth, everything changed…except for one.
SEXY…
I hated to be called sexy. Sexy conjured up every label I despised…sleazy, cheap, unsavoury, immoral, promiscuous, lustful, indecent. So, I turned out the light on SEXY.
BUT you cannot run from a shadow.
The light catches your eye…but shadows have more to say.
And this shadow had her way with me.
She mixed the signals.
I wanted connection. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be held. I wanted desire.
I wanted fully body desiring, open hearted, impulsive, sensual, passionate…SEXY.
And I uncovered it.
Slowly.
Deliciously.
On purpose.
With focus and flow.
Fulfilling my deepest need.
Sexy swallowed me up in her glory and drowned me in LOVE.
Sexy is a state of mind. It’s the way I walk, the way I talk and the way I think…when I am in that mood.
It is like all the other qualities I possess. We need to own every single aspect of ourselves. Our wholeness is what sets us free.
Here's to a SEXY week😉😉😉
