https://jessphillipscoaching.com/

Jess Phillips Coaching, Montreal, QC (2025)

09/08/2025

Many clients ask me ‘How can I start setting boundaries without feeling so guilty?’

The truth is, if you’re not used to standing up for yourself, boundary setting will come with some guilt attached in the beginning; and it’s important to remember to keep setting them anyway.

Often we want to implement new practices without any uncomfortable feelings; but just like starting fresh at the gym, or trying a new hobby; you won’t be very good at it in the beginning.

When I first starting saying ‘no’, or telling people that their comments hurt my feelings, I was riddled with guilt. My nervous system was more accustomed to making other people feel comfortable, long before it got comfortable with me putting myself first.

My best advice is to do it anyway. Your actions matter way more than your guilt in the moment.

Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.

Many people pleasers think they’re putting others first, but in reality you’re just trying to avoid upsetting someone which is the opposite of being transparent and authentic 🖤

09/04/2025

For anyone who knows this feeling all too well; knows it can be one of the most dysregulating and uncomfortable states to be in.

Feeling anxious in a relationship means you are unable to regulate your nervous system the majority of the time. It means you are unable to trust the other person; and you’re trying overly hard to get nuggets of validation and closeness.

And unfortunately, I have a little secret for you! 🤫🤫🤫

Chances are you’re in the wrong relationship.

Do many of us need to work on our insecurities? Yes.

Is it okay to seek validation from your partner? Yes.

Is it normal to be anxious and/or jealous sometimes? Yes.

But I can safely guarantee that if you feel this way the majority of the time, this is not your person.

Just for today, pay attention to with whom your nervous system feels safe around. If you feel safer with friends or family, your gut may be trying to tell you something about ‘the love of your life’.

Nervous systems don’t lie. We’re just not very good at trusting them 🖤

If you’re ready to do the deeper work, send me a message. I have two coaching spots open until Oct.1st

08/28/2025

Many of my coaching clients often say to me ‘Jess, how do I heal my anxious attachment style and become less ‘needy’ in my relationships?”

And my answer is always the same; I ask them “How safe do you feel in your relationship”?

No amount of chemistry, connection, or ‘love’ will ever be enough if you feel unsafe, unseen, or unheard with a partner.

More often than not, these anxious-leaning individuals are in relationships with the wrong partners. Many of them have pursued unavailability, chemistry, or lust, and tried to turn into something safe and meaningful.

Relationship bargaining often mimics the behaviour of an alcoholic trying to control their drinking. They start to implement rules or guidelines to control their relationship to the chosen substance.

Here’s what that can look like:

Drinking only on the weekends
Drinking beer instead of hard liquor
Drinking only after a certain time of the day
Never drinking alone and only in company

The hard truth at the end of the day is that no matter how hard you try to control and enjoy your drinking, you may be ignoring the fact that you have a problem with alcohol.

The same applies to toxic relationships. No matter how hard you try to become ‘nonchalant’, less needy, more self-focused, or busy; the more you may be avoiding that this is not the right person for you.

Just for today, please remember, love is supposed to feel safe. Your nervous should be calm and centred around ‘your person’.

Love does not require you to self-abandon and twist yourself into a pretzel to suit someone else’s needs.

If you’re trying too hard to make something work, you may be focusing all your energy on the wrong thing 🖤

08/25/2025

For anyone who has been stuck in this push-pull type of dynamic in a relationship, they know how bad this dance can feel.

An anxious leaning person and an avoidant leaning person will usually seem highly compatible at first; lots of chemistry, long deep talks, and a desire to deeply bond at an electric level.

The problem that is often overlooked is that the avoidant will feel super safe to open up at first. They will be taken aback by the anxious persons’ generous nature; their ability to share so openly and emotionality; and their willingness to help the avoidant person ‘open up’.

The trouble with this dynamic is that one person is usually over-giving (codependent) and the other is used to taking and shutting down with things get ‘too real’.

Once the honeymoon phase of these types of dynamics pass, the giver will soon need the taker to start giving; and that’s when the panic sets in.

Unless both parties are actively engaged in some type of work around their attachment style; this dance usually ends in disaster.

Once the codependent moves passed the euphoria of getting the avoidant to open up; they will start to need more (as any human would); and unless that avoidant knows how to give in return, resentment and chaos are usually on the way.

Just for today, if you are stuck in this dance- pause. Are you over-giving to the wrong person? Are their words and actions aligning? Are you in love with a fantasy version of them in the future?

If so, it may be time to look at your own behaviours instead of theirs 🖤

08/19/2025

What if you could wake up every Tuesday morning and have my lovely (annoying) voice straight in your inbox! 😅🤓

If you haven’t don’t so yet, head over to my Linktree Bio and sign up for my FREE weekly newsletter:

Three Tuesday Tips From a Therapist

You’ll receive weekly blogs on all things codependency, addiction, mental health & relationships sent straight to you bright and early each week 😎

See you all there!

06/28/2025

Vacation starts now with my ride or die travelling partner

Off to see our favourite firefighter 🧑🏻‍🚒

Let’s see if we can actual relax this time 👹👯‍♀️

06/20/2025

One of the most common things I see when working with people who have struggled with codependency, people-pleasing, or suffering from the aftermath of narcissistic abuse; is the inability to trust themselves and trust in what they are noticing around them.

When we put others on pedestals; start romantic relationships with individuals with huge egos or narcissistic traits; we run the risk of being exposed to emotional immaturity, gaslighting, and devaluing behaviour.

It doesn’t matter who you are; this will corrode your sense of self-worth and self-esteem little by slowly over time.

One of the hardest things to do is walk away from these types of relationships; but when we finally do, it can be a beautiful opportunity to have everything you’ve noticed along the way be validated, and start to build back the trust and confidence you once exuded into the world.

If you’re trapped in one of these cycles and the thought of leaving feels unbearable; you may be more trauma bonded than actually in love with the person.

If it feels like a drug; if you withdrawal from this person like a drug; and you feel like no matter how much you connect, it’s still never enough..

I promise you it’s not love you’re seeking; it’s dopamine and a familiar chaotic nervous system cycle that you may be very used to from childhood.

Just for today, let’s let our bodies withdrawal and see what’s really coming up for us 🙏🏼

05/29/2025

I need your help, friends! I’m trying to grow my podcast channel (and soon to be YouTube 🤩) channel to a 1000 subscribers.

If you enjoy the episodes on The Living Out Loud Podcast, please make sure you are following on & and feel free to leave a review!

You can find the podcast link in my Linktree or join straight from my story highlights 👆

Thanks for listening, sharing, and all your wonderful topics and support along the way! 🎙️❤️

05/19/2025

One of my first (of three) licenses has finally arrived! 🤓👩🏼‍🎓

Going back to school during Covid was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Not just because of what I learned, but also because I proved to myself that I can do very hard things.

When first got sober, I couldn’t read or write well. And now, after almost a decade of learning, practicing, and unwavering discipline; I feel confident not only in my writing, but in my ability to help others.

I always knew that I would become an entrepreneur; but I knew in my heart that I needed to make sure I was well equipped before I got there.

As I sit here reflecting on my mini stay-cation, I’m realizing the fundamental importance of taking risks.

I was terrified 5 years ago. Terrified I would fail. Terrified I would quit when it got too hard. Terrified that I would never be able to complete countless hours of studies and countless hours of internships. But the very cool thing about fear is that your joy is usually waiting on the other side.

Here’s to be so close to the official ‘internship’ finish line and not giving up 💛

05/02/2025

One of the most talked about topics in my coaching & therapy sessions is the excruciating feeling of ‘adult loneliness’.

Adult loneliness doesn’t always look like being alone. Sometimes, it looks like being the one who’s always there for everyone else; but still crying in your car after another day of feeling invisible or misunderstood.

Sometimes it looks like being in a relationship where you’re physically close to someone but you’re emotionally starving.

Sometimes it looks like people thinking you’re ‘so strong’ because you never ask for anything; when really, you stopped asking because no one ever really came through.

If you grew up with emotionally immature or unavailable parents, loneliness might be your default factory setting.

You may have learned to:

Tone yourself down to avoid rejection.
Prioritize others to feel safe.
Shut down your own needs to keep the peace.

And now?

You might feel weirdly more alone the older you get as result of feeling exhausted from over-giving or building a ‘big’ life that you thought would solve this inner ache.

But this loneliness doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It means you may be ready to acknowledge how you truly feel, and start prioritizing who comes into your life, and who needs to go. It means your nervous system is starting to realize:

I want more than just survival.

You may be grieving what you didn’t get growing up, and that grief hurts; but it also makes space for the intimacy you’re still learning to believe is possible.

Here’s what I want you to know:

💔You are not broken.
💔You are not “too sensitive.”
💔You are re-learning how to be with yourself in a way you were never taught.

Becoming transparent in a world that taught you to hide can be terrifying; but I’m here to tell you that your freedom is on the other side of that fear.

💛 If this resonates, my e-book on healing from narcissistic abuse dives deeper into how childhood neglect shapes our adult relationships; and how to start coming home to you. Link in bio.

04/28/2025

Are you racking your brain trying to find ways to get someone with a narcissistic personality to FINALLY understand your point of view; or worse, trying to get them to apologize or express empathy for what they put you through?

I have bad news.. it’s probably never going to happen.

You never ‘win’ against a narcissist..

You just stop playing their game.

That’s how you win. 🖤

If you’re still trying to “prove your worth” to someone who thrives on making you doubt it; just for today, please pause.

You will never out-logic, out-love, or outlast a narcissist’s need for control and chaos.
They don’t want resolution; they want domination.
They don’t want healing; they want your reaction.

The real power move?

✔️Disengage
✔️Detach
✔️Dismantle their power over you

You don’t win by getting an apology.
You don’t win by getting them to admit they were wrong.
You win by reclaiming your peace and walking away without needing anything from them.

Healing will ALWAYS feel more fulfilling than hustling for bread crumbs. Narcissistic abuse is one of the most psychologically abusive spells that someone can find themselves under; especially when it comes from a parent or partner. You get to decide what type of relationship you want (or can afford) to have with this person. Sometimes we need to limit contact; sometimes we need to cut it off for good. But YOU get to decide, not them, and not anyone else.

✨ If you’re ready to break free for GOOD, my new E-book: Breaking Free: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse & reclaiming Your Power walks you through the first steps to detachment, clarity, and real emotional freedom.

E-Book link 🔗 in bio 🔝

04/25/2025

Exciting news ‼️

My new 80 page E-Book: Breaking Free Healing From Narcissistic Abuse is officially out and available for download.

I wrote this E-book for anyone who was raised by narcissistic or emotionally immature parents; for anyone who has suffered through the silent treatment; for anyone who was called ‘over-sensitive’, or for anyone who grew up emotionally starved.

I wrote this E-Book for those same kids who turn into adults chasing the same type of love they were shown growing up.

For individuals who find themselves in psychologically abusive relationships where they are gaslit, punished, and then find themselves begging for connection after their abusive partners pull away.

I know first hand how insane this can make you feel and the impact it can have on your mental health.

I’m here to tell you that you’re not crazy, and you’re definitely not alone.

I have poured everting I know about narcissistic abuse into this E-book and its packed with exercises and journal prompts to help you go from hopeless, anxious and depressed to empowered, boundaried and clear about who comes in or out of your life.

This E-Book will explain the different types of narcissists, the many ways abuse can appear, and help you set boundaries and get your confidence back.

If you’re ready to do the work and let go of the relationships & people who are no longer serving you; this E-Book is for you!

Head on over to my Instagram bio 🔝and download straight from my Linktree!

Photo credit: Talia Dezsö Photography

Jess Phillips Coaching

09/08/2025

09/04/2025

08/28/2025

08/25/2025

08/19/2025

06/28/2025

06/20/2025

05/29/2025

05/19/2025

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