05/06/2024
Last night was incredibly special for me. Besides hosting a fun and fabulous fundraiser, it was also my wedding anniversary. June 4th. I knew when I booked that date... but I also knew it was going to be fine. I've passed four anniversary dates without Ben and this was the first one ...that the day felt pretty darn good! :)
It felt good to be wearing a green tutu, smiling and laughing with friends at a fundraiser event for NOHS - North Okanagan Hospice Society. I wished Ben was there. I wish he could meet Ryan and Jeremy- I know they would be friends. (And he would be SO relieved that Ryan agreed to dance with me so he wouldn't have to! TRUTH. And there would have been ZERO tutu's in action... haha)
The way I miss him is different now that it was in the beginning. I hold such a special place in my heart for him and our live together and the friends, memories and connections that we made. I love when someone has a story or memory to share, and I do often wish he was here to celebrate... well, me... now. Celebrate and cheer on *me*... Because in this current path it is just me. (of course I am surrounded by love, friends and community but you know what I mean!)
Often, I feel like he is smiling down and supporting me and it brings a smile to my face. I like that. It's a peaceful feeling now, not so raw, not filled with angst, it is just there.
And, while I have been speaking again about inspiration and community, there is a strong part of me that feels like it's time to speak about this journey - with losing a spouse- that is now woven into me. I will be hosting some talks about my Cancer Wife Ninja times ( that was a blog I did during Ben's 5 month journey with cancer and his passing in 2020)... and death and the things that I had to navigate.
I think people DO want to talk about death and dying and losing someone but often they don't know where to do that.. or with who. So, my storytelling sparkle will continue... soon .. with the idea to share, connect and lift anyone up who needs it.