06/09/2026
Four score and 7 years ago ….✨
Where do I even start with this post.
7 years ago I was in the depths of chemo for cancer number 2.
To paint a picture, I was stood in this very spot in sunny Southend on a random Sunday in June, looking out at the sea, breathing in fresh air, teary eyed and out of breath wondering where the hell life would be taking me after it had chewed me up and spat me out in cancer land again.
The day after posting this post, I woke up with a nose bleed, it was normal at that point.
My microbladed eyebrows had half faded, eyelashes hanging on by a thread and I was bursting into flames all night long due to the medical menopause cancer had once again put me in.
Yes babes a medical menopause, I’ve been there twice and the thought of my body eventually taking me there when Mother Nature intends me to again, scares me.
It was brutal, it was depressing, and it was another nail in the fertility compromised coffin.
But.
I never ever stopped dreaming.
I never ever stopped having hope.
With my marriage, my home and my future self.
In 2022 I came to accept that I may never be a mother. And I was ok with being child free. I suppose because I never really felt fully ready to be a mum and sometimes wondered if it was even for me. But that point I was just happy to still be alive. At 36 and less than 5 years in remission, I was just wanting to live my best life and rewrite what was left of my 30’s.
Both me and Matt knew we had our embryos on ice but we also knew that despite it being a Shakespearean style tragedy if we never used them , you know, after Matt had to do it’ in cup and me, feeling like a crack head injecting myself daily to produce le eggs, we just wanted to be healthy and happy. And we were.
But I always had the ‘what if’ in the back of my head. And I hate having what’s ifs in the back of my head.
I’m more of the ‘f it, let’s just try it’ because at least If I tried , I’d always get my answer from the universe.
And wherever the universe directs me, I have to trust that that was meant to be my path.
Being stood at that viewing platform today, with no idea where I’m headed, I’m finally brave enough to say ‘f it let’s find out’
Kaz
