14/03/2025
We MUST grieve this relationship as part of our recovery even though it was abusive because WE BELIEVED IT WAS REAL, and we believed in this person as well.
From my Book - Greg Zaffuto - Author - From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2TRDSLFTWZFSG&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.F_dEw5fGKrrq_d3Hu219cCMjG-ahypMmq2-9NhAr71mKzoRlAs2OJdSLFnj8FAedRKYkSOJM1prG0oSPJMLNFJEqKOVgbst7_YHDb5XmqUk.fsZSBSn3_6GX3xoQ-xFuqQU89GAbF29xqw7GSv-5KdM&dib_tag=se&keywords=from+charm+to+harm+and+everything+in+between&qid=1737752231&sprefix=from+charm+to+%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-1
Many readers have expressed how difficult it is for them to let go of their relationship with the emotionally abusive, Narcissist. Many who were involved with these men/women refer to them as “monsters.” Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas-lighting and demoralization, from the abusive relationship with a Narcissist – they believe they’re still in love with them “on some level” and/or “will always love” them or care for them at some level depending on the relationship. This attitude is evidence of how emotionally abusive a Narcissist is and how they brainwash and control their target/victim.
“No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You will find out the truth one day and then you will see what you HAVE LOST.” Has anybody ever heard statements similar to these? Well this is what was said to me more often than I care to remember. The Narcissist wants us to swallow these lies hook, line and sinker and then they may even remind us of a handful of good memories (or what THEY perceive were good memories.) The agenda on the Narcissists part is to create a powerful, distorted belief, which keeps their target/victim from moving on or keeps them locked up in such confusion, chaos and crazy making. Just more abuse from the Narcissist to extract as much supply as he/she can. Supply is everything to a Narcissist, especially the type that causes the target/victim to feel great distress in a manner that controls – CONTROL IS POWER to the Narcissist.
The Narcissist is slow to abandon his/her victims. The Narcissist is there, always lurking, still rendering that FAKE existence, twisting and distorting life with no respite. Theirs is a remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for their victim just getting the most that Narcissist can. The narcissist is there in spirit long after they have vanished in the flesh because the Narcissist has attacked the mind of its targets/victims. This is the real danger that the victims of the narcissist face – but the real kick in the bum is that we HAVE to mourn the love we had for them because we were tricked, conned, and betrayed into believing this was the real thing. Love just doesn’t go away even with the truth about them being our abusers – it is a process to recover and that must be our goal.
With all of that said, it takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship. No matter how awful your ex-narcissist was, you still need to mourn the loss. This may be confusing because ending a relationship with a Narcissist should ultimately feel like an act of freedom or liberation from a monster. But for many it is not the loss of the “monster” the Narcissist is in reality, but the loss is of the ideal, fantasy image that was constructed PERSONALLY by the Narcissist and in our head as well as the relationship we believed in. This fantasy image of the great relationship and fleeting moments of sanity is not the Narcissists true self; INSTEAD, the Narcissists true character is an abusive psychological bully or terrorist. The relationship you love and miss was always predicated with “what if,” or in other words, “what if he/she weren’t so crazy” or “what If he/she weren’t so cruel” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar” or “WHAT IF I hung in there and proved that I was good and could have fixed the relationship.” Unfortunately the Narcissist is an abuser and there is “no fix” and you would spend your entire life “what if’ing” AND with great sacrifice to your own sanity. You will realize that you only experienced the tip of the iceberg as far as their psychopathy, betrayal, lies, perverse lifestyle, or their highly disordered life. Your journey is now about your freedom from the psychological abuse and recovery.
This is a variation on the five stages of grief to hopefully put a little perspective into the process of recovery. You have to go through this process in order to get through, let go and move on from this hideous abuse! The five stages include:
1. Denial. You were in denial when you were in this relationship taking all of the “shame and blame” AND you are in denial whenever you consider getting back together with a Narcissist. When you catch yourself thinking, “he/she’s not that bad and he/she really does love me” you are just in denial of the truth. The Narcissist is that bad and they don’t love you. A Narcissist is not capable of loving you or anyone else because deep down they loathe and envy life and people. A Narcissist views you as an object to control and to support their fake image – they are extortionists of life. To the Narcissist, people are props to use in their distorted, twisted fantasy world in which they are special, entitled, above reproach and not subject to the rules or basic human rights and decency that we abide by.
If you think you can help a Narcissist see the truth, just think back and remember them spewing the most abusive poison at you. In the Narcissists mind, you should be grateful that he/she takes time from their “busy” schedule to criticize abuse and condescend to you. They ARE this delusional to believe in their omnipotence!
2. Anger is the next stage AND it is not a bad thing – so get good and mad. Hold onto it for a while because it’s what keeps you from going back. Try not to get stuck here though, just experience the anger and then let it go. This is when you’re aware of how badly the Narcissist has treated or better yet abused you. It’s natural to feel anger when someone is deliberately cruel, dishonest or treats you unfairly. You had to repress your anger when you were with the Narcissist because expressing it would have led to more conflict and nastiness. You HAVE A RIGHT to feel angry. Just express it in a productive manner where you don’t hurt yourself or others. Create boundaries for yourself and channel the energy into something healthy. You must break the chain the binds you to this toxic poison – and anger will bind you for eternity if you let it.
3. Bargaining. This stage has a little bit of denial mixed in with it. You deny the reality of the situation or the severity of it and make deals with yourself – THIS WAS ABUSE MY FRIEND. For example, “The Narcissist said he/she is really sorry and that it’ll be different if we get back together.” “I’ll give him/her one more chance and if he/she starts acting crazy again, I’m out of there.” “Maybe if I’m a little more patient and am very careful and avoid pushing his/her buttons, it can work.” HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BARGAINED WITH THE DEVIL only to end up dragged back into the abuse?
You can’t bargain with someone to treat you well. Being treated with kindness, common decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship; not something you’re rewarded with for meeting unreasonable demands. You offered everything positive and good and were always used and abused in return. A normal person is capable of a reciprocal relationship. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are to a Narcissist because they are what they are; a controlling, toxic, cruel, abusive, emotional predator and bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you try, a Narcissist will see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more.
4. Depression. This is when it sinks in that there is no going back to this man/woman and that the man/woman you loved never existed AND that is a big WOW! You mourn the loss of time, your dreams, goals and the abuse you tolerated. You direct the anger at yourself and feel foolish or stupid for being with them and fear getting into another abusive relationship.
Like the Anger stage, you don’t want to get stuck here either. Feeling sadness over this relationship is natural, but don’t let your experience with this abusive Narcissist distort how you view all relationships. This was not a fully functioning human being and you were conned into this abuse by a predator. Let education help guide you to the truth.
5. Acceptance. While you’re not ok with what happened, you accept the reality of this toxic and abusive experience. You WILL let go of the anger and sadness WHEN YOU ARE READY. You gave them your yesterdays with love, and that may have been a mistake but by no means does it make you a fool or stupid – it made you a loving and caring person that did what normal people do. Don’t give them TODAY or any of your tomorrows those days are for the person or people that will love you back. You understand this concept now because your spirit WILL come back to you – that is something the Narcissist can’t completely take from you.
For so many targets/victims this abuse has devastated your life beyond comprehension. There is no easy fix when these monsters destroy people, families, lives, etc. BUT please don’t allow the poison to destroy your tomorrows. YOU ARE STRONG because you made it through this so far, now just go a little further every single day. No/minimal contact to start on your recovery. Greg
