21/12/2023
As this new season with & took shape, it was clear that there was an unintentional theme developing — the body. Presence, connection, pleasure and acceptance of the body. It was natural that we ended on me embodying that, me posing naked for artists, for the show.
I’ve lost track of how often in my life I decide to do something and proceed to dread it. I avoid thinking about it while only thinking about it, counting down, stressed, anxious, building up wild expectations of success and failure while avoiding preparation, avoiding the uncomfortable feelings I have. I just want to be on the other side of it having done it, free and ready to start the cycle over again.
I was doing that same thing leading up to my life drawing debut. Pushing away my fear and angst and only allowing the optimistic confident overfunctioning Andy a voice. Until (thanks to therapy with ) I realized how unfair and mean that is to anxious, frightened Andy, who is afraid to put themselves out there, afraid to be seen, afraid to be judged, afraid to be misunderstood. So I started to talk to that boy. I asked him if he was okay to do this. I asked him what he needed from us. He needed rest, he needed love, he needed soothing, he needed acceptance. Love. That was the least I could do for this boy who has been with me through a lifetime of scary things that I continually push myself to do.
And the result was one of the most mindful, freeing and empowering moments of my life. When I was lying down, naked in front of these talented artists, cameras rolling, I started talking to that boy in my head. “How cool is this? Can you believe this?” We were both in awe of ourselves and responded together, “if we can do this, we can do anything.”
I’m beginning to believe them.
Find our podcast episode on YouTube.com/
Wondrous mixed timings and media by , the host of . Art from & coming soon.
