28/05/2026
Narcissists do not fall in love with you.
They fall in love with the version of you they can use.
In the beginning they become you.
This is called mirroring. And it is one of the most dangerous features of narcissistic relationships.
During the idealisation phase they study you. Your values. Your wounds. Your dreams. The things that make you feel seen.
And then they reflect all of it back to you.
They love what you love. They finish your sentences. They feel like home.
Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, describes this as one of the most effective and least understood features of these relationships. They are not showing you who they are. They are showing you who you need them to be.
In a very real sense you have fallen in love with yourself.
Dr Ramani Durvasula calls this the greatest bait and switch in human relationships. When the mirror drops and the devaluation begins, the confusion is profound.
Because you are not just losing a relationship.
You are losing the version of yourself that finally felt seen.
And here is what Bowlby's attachment research tells us about why it works.
People who grew up never feeling fully seen by their caregivers are neurologically primed to respond to the experience of being completely understood.
For someone who grew up never feeling truly seen, the narcissist's mirror does not just feel good.
It feels like survival.
Of course you held on.
Of course you stayed longer than you should have.
Of course the loss felt unsurvivable.
You were not weak. You were responding to the deepest unmet need of your life.
I cover this in depth in my book The Scapegoat Child.
350 pages. August 7th 2026. Follow me.
