19/10/2025
I am a product of long corridors, empty sunlit rooms, upstairs indoor silences, attics explored in solitude, distant noises of gurgling cisterns and pipes, and the noise of wind under the tiles. Also, of endless books.
C.S. Lewis
What are you a product of?
Well friends, the temperature on Dartmoor has gloriously dropped, and the recently purchased Aran sweaters are in full effect. The sense of perpetual-motion has diminished – my adrenalin levels are back at a regular modality, rather than lurching to a peak around 8pm every night (i.e. recovering from the Irish tour).
Tomorrow I set out on the winding journey east, to the Divinity Faculty at Cambridge and their dreaming spires, red beer and a little shepherds hut on the River Cam (as I peer out at the distant dream-figure of Lewis, striding cheerfully between Magdalene college and the Green Dragon pub). I gratefully accept him as a totem elder in these next months. At Cambridge there are friends waiting, and libraries to visit, family nearby, a book to be written. I am tremendously grateful. And I’m so pleased to be taking you with me. I hope you’ve packed a scarf and some chocolate.
But before the Cambridge adventures, Hermes. I’m going to continue for a little longer on my Hermian riffing on the Red. I think for many of us with a little Red, there’s a lot to be learnt from Hermes. The diplomacy he has to develop as a messenger rather than blowing his stack every five minutes. Blowing your stack is a hazard of too much red. In fairy tales giants are a great haven of Red energy and sometimes arrive in our dreams when we need extra oomph. But they also tip tables, lash out, drink too much on occasion and generally get lairy. Hermes doesn’t play that way. He understands it, but he’s not prone to doing it.
In my Red years I did dimly remember Hermes and knew he was something to do with storytelling and messages but that was likely about it. For really the only time in my life, myth was background rather than foreground. But boy, was there drama. Having removed the great interpretive tool of my life – myth – everything that happened to me took longer to contextualise. That wouldn’t reappear till a move into the Black years later. As well as the initiatory scuffs and slightly unfathomable sense of destiny I strutted around with, the biggest wallop of the Red was in that most tender of spots, romance.
When at sixteen I fell in love for the first time I was absolutely positively derailed. I was a shambles. And to make matters worse, it was long distance. As we know from the stories, romantic love thrives on absence not presence, so I lived in a state of perpetual, anguished longing. This manifested in daily letters sent to her house about seventy miles away and hogging the family phoneline whispering sweet nothings. It sounds very benign, but in reflection it feels like an extended psychedelic encounter that I would never want to experience again. All of Romeo and Juliet, all of Tristan and Isolde crowbarred its way into our fledgling love and within about seven months the calls stopped getting picked up, and I realised I’d squeezed the life out of this first exploration into love’s oceanic feelings. She was driven up to see me by her mum, I was dumped and that was that. My heart hurt. It really hurt.
Hillman’s Three Hearts
And when I say the heart, what exactly do I mean? The psychologist James Hillman used to write fantastically about three hearts: the heart of the lion, the medical heart, and the confessional heart. The heart of the lion has qualities attached: courage under fire, upstandingness; the medical heart was the throbbing meat that hopefully grooves along in our chest; and finally there’s the confessional heart. This is the one that has authoritative feelings, I feel, also the place where God would disclose information to you: ‘Listen to your heart’. Typically, Hillman actually saw the voice of God as a little invasive to the imagination. Well, certainly the dogmatic, by-rote kind of thing. He saw us leaning way too heavily on the confessional heart, and it causing a kind of paralysis – my feelings are the end of the conversation. That concerned him, because feelings change. We have a change of heart. Hillman proposed a thought of the heart, and that the discipline of such a thing was required for full access to what some call the anima mundi – the soul of the world. (We aren’t quite ready to get into that yet.) When you are fully in an uninitiated Red state you can’t get past your feelings. They are the truth and the only truth.
The agony of love when you have no mythic or religious filter is you assume this depth of feeling is entirely for this other person standing in front of you. Myths say it isn’t. You both radiate something of the Divine world to each other. There are layers and filters and grades of consciousness that in a literate culture would be developed to create a container for the feeling. The girl I fell in love with was not The Woman Of The Golden Roof, or whatever primordial-almost-Goddess figure I assumed she was. I was sickened by what the Jungians call Anima possession. And I took all that longing for the feminine and its connections to mystery, the moon, even to God, and plonked it in the lap of a seventeen-year-old girl with a fondness for stripey tights, patchouli oil and Slayer gigs. That was far too much for her to carry.
A solution could be for you and your beloved to sit side by side with each other enjoy something beautiful together, maybe even something you create. But when you, and you only, are the apple of the other’s eye, you may run into trouble. He’s not Hercules, she’s not Rhiannon of the Wild Horses, though they may be pointing rather wonderfully in that direction occasionally. And for a human being that’s more than enough. That’s companionable. A sickness of the Red without an initiatory fundament is that all your latent longing for such grandiosity will be hurled at someone whose legs will inevitably wobble. I am not at all suggesting give up on Romantic love. But know that in the collapse of mythological discernment we are giving to humans that which belongs to something else entirely. In the end it works for no one. The anguished passions of the Red will likely be one of your associations of it. You don’t want to be rid of it, just don’t stack the wood so high when you build the fire.
I hadn’t met the Black yet as a teenager, not properly, but this level of ache was enough to get me reading poetry and sighing loudly as my friends threw things at me. W.B. Yeats entered my life, one or two fairy tales reappeared, and I found myself pursued by Hermes himself, telling me to cheer up! Here’s his tale...
https://martinshaw.substack.com/p/hermes-and-the-heart