09/10/2026
I have to say. I reckon I’ve met all the combined special forces while working as a security officer, what a f**king privilege!
And then there’s the ones that quit after a few weeks because they couldn’t hack it. I have no problem with that; the military’s not for everyone.
It’s the Belt-fed r*tards coming up with the bullsh*t excuses. It was probably more like some shouty bloke upset your feelings; you know the Platoon Sergeant you were going to knock the f**k out before you joined up if they tried to give you a hard time.
‘Yeah, I had no choice, I had to leave because I broke my finger in three places on the scramble net on the assault course last week. I was gutted. They said I was great in the field.’ Really?? So are peas and f**king carrots!!!
HERE’S A FEW OF THEIR NEARLY JOINED EXCUSES. YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD A FEW OF THESE BEFORE, I’VE ADDED A FEW JOKEY ONES.
‘I was gonna join the paras or marines because they’re more elite.’
‘I’m really good at call of duty, so I probably should have joined up.’
‘I was going to join but I decided to join the RAF instead.
‘My d**k was too big.’
‘Didn't like the colour green.’
‘I could read and write and therefore was too intelligent to be cannon fodder. Then I mentioned I could read a map and that stopped me from joining as an officer straightaway.’
‘I knew who my parents were.’
‘My knuckles didn’t drag on the ground, and I could hold a crayon properly.’
‘I’m allergic to crayons.’
‘I told them I identified as a hamster.’
‘I couldn’t bring my guide dog.’
‘They want me to go on camping trips with strange men, I said no thanks and joined the Navy.’
‘Because I was circumcised. Guy in the CIO said you've got to be a complete d**k to join the Army.’
‘I kept misgendering my recruiter.’
‘If a drill sergeant got in my face, I would get a hard on.’
‘I could eat more than one f**kin sausage.’
My lobotomy wasn't successful.’
‘My farts were like earthquakes, giving away my position.’
‘My bald head can be seen by the enemy from 1000 miles.’
‘I looked like a c**t in a scarlet beret!’
‘My balcony abseiling skills weren’t good enough.’
BULLIES AND BU****IT 2 By Clive Ward
www.clivewardauthor.com
Available on amazon kindle and paperback.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bullsh*t-2-Clive-Ward-ebook/dp/B0DQHQ95PD/ref=sr_1_1
