09/08/2026
Sometimes, we cannot truly live our own lives because, unconsciously, we are carrying a sense of guilt.
And this guilt can come from different directions.
What I have often observed, as a facilitator and as a client or representative in Family Constellations, is that we sometimes look toward someone who left our lives too soon.
And out of love for that person, we unconsciously say:
"I don't want you to be alone, so I will be like you."
Maybe a brother or sister passed away too early. And by "passed away", I mean that they died and moved on to the other side.
And somehow, we stop fully living our own lives because, deep down, we are saying:
"I will come after you. I will come after you so you don't have to be alone. I will repeat your destiny."
Sometimes, in a family constellation, we may see a child who develops the same illness as an uncle who died before that child was born.
Or a younger sister may seem to be repeating the story of an older brother who died from a particular illness. Suddenly, she develops the same illness, even though she had been completely healthy until then.
Or perhaps one of our parents reaches approximately the same age at which their own parent died, and around that age they begin to become ill or show signs that, in some way, they no longer want to remain here.
From the perspective of Family Constellations, these patterns can be understood as expressions of an unconscious love and loyalty toward those who came before us.
And we may not even realise that this is what is happening.
Instead, we may simply feel that there is no point in continuing to live, that we no longer see our purpose, as though we have already lived everything we were meant to live.
We stop seeing life through any other lens. We think, "This is it." And we wait for our turn.
So how can this change?
In a constellation, the process can be quite simple: we give these people a place. We acknowledge them. We say, in our own way:
"I see you.
I haven't forgotten you.
Out of love for you, I wanted you not to be alone.
Out of love for you, I wanted to follow you and repeat your destiny."
And then we can also say:
"But your destiny is yours, and mine is mine.
I honour your life and your destiny by allowing you to have your place, and I will continue forward to live my own life and my own destiny."
In Family Constellations, this can be a powerful process. But ultimately, it depends on each person, on whether they can truly recognise what may be happening within them and, perhaps most importantly, whether they can allow the person who has left to truly leave.
Sometimes, loving someone also means letting them go, and giving ourselves permission to stay and fully live.
With love,
Rodica Toma
Healing Circle Journeys
