07/11/2025
Hell's Breakroom - Episode Six
A Union Mandated Hell Story
Please read while listening to Lo-Fi Jazz
A cavernous chamber, flickering with eerie, shifting light. The air is thick with the acrid scent of ozone, despair and Joop for Men. At the centre, a single, miserable soul stands trembling on a jagged obsidian platform. A towering demon looms over him, its form flickering between shapes, sometimes a mass of writhing tendrils, sometimes a grinning, suited figure with too many teeth. On one occasion, a potted orchid.
This is Horace, area 30469.276’s torment strategy partner.
He flips through a sleek, obsidian tablet, frowning. "Alright, Brian. Let’s see what we’ve got for you today."
Brian, a sweaty, wide-eyed middle manager in an ill-fitting polo shirt, clasps his hands together. "Listen, I, I don’t think I belong here. I was …"
Horace holds up a hand. "Shhhh." He scrolls. "Mmm. Micromanagement. Excessive CC’ing on emails. Publicly praised team effort, privately took credit. Ooooh, and, oh man, this one’s just vile, ‘circle-back guy.’" He shakes his head in disgust. "Yeah, Brian. You earned this."
Brian sobs. "I just wanted productivity!"
Horace taps his chin. "Okay, so, options. We could do the ‘eternal inbox’, that’s always fun. Messages keep coming, but you can never clear them. Very psychological. Or maybe a classic ‘forced team-building exercise with people you hate’. Oh! I know. We stick you in a never-ending Zoom call, but every time you go to speak, you’re on mute."
Brian wails. "Please, no!"
Horace grins, flashing too many teeth. "Perfect. Zoom it is. I’ll check in after my break. Enjoy your suffering!"
In the break room Horace pushes open the door and is immediately greeted by the sound of two demons in a bitter argument.
Chonk and Kevin stand at the vending machine, locked in a standoff. Kevin gestures wildly at a bag of chips inside. "I paid for those! You saw me! I pressed the button!"
Chonk, unmoved, folds his arms. "And yet. The chips remain trapped. As is the way."
Kevin turns to the vending machine, hands pressed against the glass. "I have served this office for centuries. I have done my time. I have earned snacks."
The vending machine emits a deep, guttural groan. The lights inside flicker.
Deborah, perched lazily on the counter, flips a page of Sublime Slime. "You know it feeds off your frustration, right?"
Kevin wheels on her. "You’re saying it wants me to be angry?"
Deborah nods. "Yep. It thrives on despair. It’s literally powered by thwarted desire."
Kevin glares at the vending machine. The vending machine glares back the word “what” appearing on its display.
The coffee pot, sitting smugly in the centre of the table, chuckles darkly. "I, for one, welcome our capitalist overlord. The illusion of choice. The false promise of reward. Delicious, or it might be. Now I’m not sure."
Horace grabs a chair, sighing. "You ever think about how weird it is that we have a break room? Like, we’re literal demons, in Hell. We are the job. Shouldn’t we just… be working?"
Deborah shrugs. "Eh. Burnout’s a killer.”
Chonk nods, chewing thoughtfully on a truly ridiculous sandwich. "Yeah, man. Hell’s got, like, metrics now. Turns out exhausted demons make sloppy torturers. They’ve got measurements of everything from your efficiency to how long you spend on each phase of torture."
Horace snorts. "What, they do an employee engagement survey or something?"
Deborah flips another page. "Worse. They brought in a consultant.”
Everyone shudders.
The coffee pot bubbles ominously. "Change is inevitable. Hope is futile. Everything you build will crumble to ash and the auditor will count the grains."
Chonk sighs, shaking his head. "I hate that thing."
Kevin slams his hands against the vending machine. "I just want my damn chips!"
The vending machine lets out a low, menacing hum. The lights inside flicker erratically. And then, with a deep, mechanical click, a different bag of chips falls into the tray.
Everyone stares.
Kevin slowly reaches in and pulls them out, cradling them like a newborn. His eyes glisten. "I… I did it. I beat the system."
The coffee pot lets out a long, amused gurgle. "You have won nothing. The machine allowed this. A hollow victory to keep you complacent."
Kevin, still holding the chips, mutters, "I hate that thing."
Before anyone can respond, the break room door bursts open with a hiss and a shower of paperwork. A small, frantic imp in a tiny tie stumbles in, dragging a clipboard the size of a tombstone.
"Audit team!" it squeaks.
Every demon freezes. Even the coffee pot emits a terrified drip.
Chonk whispers, "No. Not again. It’s too soon. We just had one!"
The imp adjusts its glasses, voice trembling with bureaucratic authority. "This is the same one. Due to recent… performance irregularities, management requires a spontaneous efficiency assessments."
Deborah groans. "Efficiency? We literally torture people. What’s the metric? Screams per minute?"
The imp checks its clipboard. "Actually, yes. Also, scream-to-productive-torment ratio, paperwork completion rates, and -"
It squints. "- coffee consumption per existential crisis?"
The coffee pot lets out a triumphant hiss. "At last. Recognition."
Horace rubs his temples. "We’re doomed. They always find something. Last audit they said our despair yield was ‘insufficiently synergised.’”
Chonk grumbles. "They made me attend a webinar about emotional branding."
Kevin, still clutching his chips, mutters, "I still have the PowerPoint slides."
The imp clears its throat. " Management will arrive shortly for observation. When you get back to your work station, please gather your quarterly reports before doing anything else. One of myself will be along to review."
The lights flicker. A slow, rhythmic clicking echoes down the corridor, the unmistakable sound of stilettos, suffering and rose lipstick.
Deborah’s eyes widen. "Oh no. It’s her."
-----------------------------------
Follow along with us to find out what happens:
All Episodes: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.122114179749010315&type=3
Previous Episode: https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=122117867943010315&set=a.122114179749010315