Cops, Capers & Custard

24/08/2026

I’ve finally worked out my superpower: I’m basically a fusion of Frank Spencer, Mr Bean and Roger Moore. Bumbling innocence, silent chaos and eyebrow powered charm — all wrapped in one apologetic Brit who says “sorry” even when you run over my foot.

Turns out this combo gets you forgiven, served first, and occasionally… invited upstairs.

Somewhere in the foggy labyrinth of my cultural upbringing — probably wedged between “don’t make a fuss” and “queue nicely” — I learnt the peculiar art of apologising for being the victim. Toe trodden on? Someone sloshes beer down my shirt? Shopping trolley shunted into my spine with t...

04/08/2026

As the holder of a qualifying law degree, I am acutely aware of the importance of the Rule of Law. No person should be punished except in accordance with existing law, and Parliament alone determines both offences and the sentencing framework within which judges operate.In the UK, the death penalty has been abolished. As a matter of constitutional principle, I support that position.

The Rule of Law exists to protect us from arbitrary punishment and the passions of the moment. Yet when emergency service personnel are deliberately killed in the line of duty, my moral instincts pull in a different direction. These are people who run towards danger when the rest of us run away. Their service and sacrifice are unique.

So I find myself torn. My head supports the Rule of Law. My heart wonders whether the ultimate sanction should be available for those who murder emergency workers in the ex*****on of their duties. The real question is whether justice is best served by adhering to principle, or by creating an exception for those who give so much in service of others.

Thoughts?

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Petition to stop the early release from jail of PC Andrew Harper's killers

30/07/2026

I’ve just discovered I somehow ended up in an FA director’s autobiography… because of a Euro ’96 prank involving Terry Venables, Gazza’s bleached hair and a fictional colonel from Farnham Common.

Turns out the FA version is wrong.

Time for the police to set the record straight.

Catching up with my old mucker John, he casually dropped a bombshell: apparently we feature in David Davies’ autobiographical romp FA Confidential: S*x, Drugs and Penalties. The Inside Story of English Football. Henry Winter’s review in The Daily Telegraph retells Davies’ version – a late ni...

23/07/2026

We can often be less than honest with our doctor: we downplay symptoms, ignore warning signs, and assume tomorrow will be just fine. That’s dangerous.

We all carry a quiet superstition about ourselves – a private conviction that serious misfortune is something reserved for other people. It’s a comforting illusion, this sense of personal invulnerability, and most of us cling to it even when the evidence suggests we shouldn’t. We downplay symp...

27/06/2026

The last leg of my walk was a greatest hits album of Bracknell absurdity: burglars with bin bags, missing false teeth, Harry Potter film sets, and a showdown with a bloke known as “Half a Thumb.” But tucked between the madness were the moments that mattered — the ones that stitched my life together.

The last leg of my walk was a greatest hits album of Bracknell absurdity: burglars with bin bags, missing false teeth, Harry Potter film sets, and a showdown with a bloke known as “Half a Thumb.” But tucked between the madness were the moments that mattered — the ones that stitched my life tog...

26/06/2026

A mate told me the other day they were spending time with “Reformy friends”. This was not said with excitement. It was said the way one might announce an incoming storm. A sort of brace yourself tone…

Why do people queue for political ghost rides that feed them fear instead of truth? This piece digs into the psychology of resentment dressed as “concern”, the friendships strained by it, and the moment you decide to step off the ride and back into daylight. A mate told me the other day they wer...

20/06/2026

Adios Bracknell (Again): Robbers, Hopscotch & Things That Go Crunch (part 2)

If Part One was the warm up lap, this is where the memories start sprinting. Bracknell in the 80s wasn’t just a place — it was a full contact sport. Robberies, dodgy motors, youth clubs blasting The Specials, and me trying to look competent in a Vauxhall Chevette that handled like a shopping trolley with a wheel missing.

If Part One was the warm up lap, this is where the memories start sprinting. Bracknell in the 80s wasn’t just a place — it was a full contact sport. Robberies, dodgy motors, youth clubs, blasting The Specials, and me trying to look competent in a Vauxhall Chevette that handled like a shopping tr...

17/06/2026

Some towns never let you go.

Bracknell pulled me back for a nine mile wander through the memories that shaped me — the places where I worked, loved, stumbled, and learned. Every turn offered a reminder of who I was and who I became.

Part one of the trilogy is where the past first caught up with me. A simple walk that carried me straight into the 80s: Eagle House, Wednesdays nightclub, and Columbia Bob — the night shift saint I nearly killed. It was also the time I discovered that barking “stop fu***ng about” at yobs wasn’t quite the policing masterclass I imagined.

It’s the warm up lap: rookie cop chaos, first arrests, awkward charm, and the quiet ache of revisiting the places that once held my whole life.

Some towns never really let you go. Bracknell is one of mine. I left it, returned to it, loved in it, worked in it, and lost in it. I went for a stroll around Bracknell then like a budget Forrest Gump I kept on going – well at least for 9 miles. What propelled me ... Read more

16/06/2026

TWO TIER POLICING: A SLOGAN IN SEARCH OF A SCANDAL

Policing was never clean. Never simple. Never perfect. I know — I wore the uniform for over two decades. What I also know is this: the people now screaming “two tier policing” the loudest are the ones who understand policing the least.

My latest piece digs into the messy, human reality of frontline policing — the split second decisions, the fear, the fallibility — and why the cheap political slogan being peddled today is not just dishonest, but dangerous.

It also confronts the grotesque hijacking of Henry Nowak’s death and honours the dignity of a father who asked the country not to turn his son’s murder into a racialised circus.

If you care about truth over slogans, humanity over hysteria, and policing by consent over political opportunism, this one matters.

Published in Police Oracle and Central Bylines. Read. Share. Push back against the noise.

Policing is messy. It’s human. It’s imperfect. And anyone who’s ever worn the uniform knows that the fault line running through every shift, every decision, every “why did they do that?” moment is the same: the human beings doing the job. I should know. I was once one of them. Operational ...

13/06/2026

Coming next week on www.kirkeytalk.com …

Two Tier Policing: A Slogan in Search of a Scandal.

Drawing on frontline experience and the recent misrepresentation of the Henry Nowak case, the article argues that the slogan is a manufactured narrative that undermines policing by consent.