06/06/2025
Does anyone actually know when trash day is? I’ve lived in my house for like… six years. No idea. I just wake up one morning, see a couple trash cans out, and I’m like — 'Guess it’s today.' And then I’m running down the driveway in sweatpants, holding a half-tied bag of garbage like it’s some kind of Olympic event.
And here’s the thing — no one in my neighborhood knows either. I’ve asked people. They’ll be like, 'Yeah I think it’s Tuesday… unless it’s a holiday… or the wind’s blowing east.' It’s the only thing in my life where I’m just relying on the old lady three doors down to make the first move. I see her trash can out, I move. If not, I’m not risking it.
My wife swears she knows the schedule. She’ll be like, 'It’s every Thursday.' But then Thursday comes… no one’s trash is out. And I’m like, 'Well, looks like we’re living with the garbage one more week, sweetheart.' At this point, I think the trash guys just come whenever they feel like it. It’s not a job — it’s a vibe.
And you know, once you’ve given up on trash day, you just start to let other things slide around the house. Like, I’m the guy who’ll leave a light on in a room for six hours just to avoid walking back in there. I’ll walk by, see it, and think 'Eh, it’s fine. I’ll get it later.
Then my wife comes in, sees the light on, and it’s like I’ve committed a crime. She’s like, 'Why is the light on in there?!' And I’m over here like, 'Oh, I didn’t want to walk in there and have to turn it off… that’s a lot of walking for such a small thing.
And I don’t get it, because she’ll leave the refrigerator door open for 20 minutes, and I’ll be like, 'You know, we’re losing electricity, right?' But she’s like, 'Oh, I’m just looking for something.' No big deal. I’m like, 'No big deal? I’m out here keeping lights on for no reason, and you’re over there trying to start a small fire in the fridge.
