06/11/2024
I'm a 19-year-old, second-year student who feels miserable and on the edge. I know it's too early to feel this way, but I can't find any path forward to bring me back. Since this is an anonymous space where no one knows who I am, I'm asking all of you for life advice. How can I improve myself for others? I know some people say, "Just be yourself," but I don't feel comfortable being myself. Ever since school, I’ve been disliked by everyone. Today is Diwali, and I see everyone posting updates, wishing their friends and family, but here I am, in my room with teary eyes, writing this confession. No one, not even my relatives, calls us anymore on any occasion. I come from a poor family. Since school, I've tried to be humble and friendly to make friends, but somehow, no one is interested in me. And in 2023, when my father passed away, things only got worse.Now it’s just me, my younger brother, and my mom. We live in a rented house, my mom works, and I’m doing a part-time night job to help her. Whenever I see people at the café where I work, laughing and having fun with each other, my heart breaks. I won’t mention the café's name, but seeing boys and girls enjoying themselves, I start imagining myself in their place while taking their orders. After my shift, my heart feels so heavy. I go back to my room, trying to sleep, but the images of people laughing and enjoying with friends and family come before my eyes.My mom is the only person I live for. Even at college, my classmates laugh at me because I don’t wear nice clothes, and they know I work at a café after classes. I feel ashamed of myself. There's a girl I like but have never spoken to. One day, I got a call from a classmate's number asking if I was at the café, then they just laughed. I cut the call and sat down on a bench, taking deep breaths, realizing she knew about my job.Whenever I try calling any of my old friends from school or college, they barely respond. They answer seriously, asking if I need something or if something happened. I end up telling them, "No, I just called to talk," and they respond, "I’m busy with something; I'll call you later," but they never do.I don’t have anyone to hang out with at the park or go to the mall on my days off. Day by day, I feel like my heart is stopping, and I don’t think I’ll make it to 25. It seems impossible to live like this, with no friends, no relationship—no one but my mom. I know my mom means everything, but as a young guy, I want to live like everyone else. It feels like God decided to put me through an incredibly hard test, one where I might not make it because nothing seems to be in my favor. I haven't wronged anyone; I’ve always tried to be my true self, but somehow, people my age find me boring.oday, on Diwali, I'm standing on my balcony, watching people spend time with friends and cousins, and here I am, just dreaming of someone calling me, inviting me to join. I know it's not going to happen because I have my shift. I’m losing my strength and feel like my energy will run out in a few months. I’m writing this as my confession.After I closed my eyes in that quiet, empty room, memories flooded in—some good, some bad. I remembered being a kid, just starting school, believing that the world was full of people who’d want to be my friend. Back then, life seemed so simple, with laughter around every corner and a future full of promises.But here I am, watching it all slip away from a balcony, while others laugh and celebrate. It feels like every voice I hear is a reminder of what I don’t have. Every firework lighting up the sky seems to burn away the dreams I had for myself. There are nights when I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering what happened to that hopeful little kid. What happened to the belief that one day I’d have people by my side who cared, who looked for me in a crowd, who wanted to share memories with me? I find myself asking, “Is this what my life was meant to be?”I think of my mom, all the strength she’s shown, her hands that have worn out from hard work, her eyes tired from seeing her children go through struggles she wishes she could erase. She keeps going every day, and that keeps me going too. But sometimes I wonder if she knows the weight I’m carrying, if she realizes how hard it’s getting for me to keep pretending that everything’s alright.When I look at the lives others live, it feels like my heart is slowly tearing apart, piece by piece, like sand slipping through my fingers. I want to experience that closeness, that warmth—just to know what it’s like to be seen, to be chosen, to be important in someone’s life. Yet, here I am, blending into the background, unnoticed, unheard, just hoping for a chance to belong somewhere.Every day, I wake up, put on the same clothes, head to the same places, pass the same people who don’t know me, don’t care to know me. And I wonder, will I always be like this?
