26/06/2025
It’s 2 a.m., and I still can’t sleep. My husband cooked dinner tonight and made sure I felt loved before he went to bed, but even with that comfort, my mind won’t settle.
For the past couple of months, I’ve been having disturbing dreams — skies turning blood red, a massive fireball crashing down, huge waves swallowing everything. What haunts me most is that these nightmares started before I ever visited Hiroshima or Nagasaki.
Then, two months ago, I stood at the exact hypocenter — the very spot where the atomic bombs fell. First in Hiroshima, then in Nagasaki. Standing at ground zero, in silence, surrounded by the weight of history, felt like stepping into the world I had already seen in my dreams. The visit didn’t calm my mind — it connected everything I’d feared. It wasn’t just a historical site anymore. It was personal.
The rising tension in the Middle East only makes things worse. Night after night, those images come back stronger. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is insomnia, anxiety, or something deeper. My body is tired, but my mind refuses to rest.
Back in 2022, my doctor told me something that finally made sense of all this. He said my brain doesn’t fully rest, even when I sleep. That my mind stays active — constantly working — even more exhausted than my body, no matter how hard or long I work during the day, even after 12-hour shifts. He told me I was born this way. That was when I realized that my five years of alcohol dependence weren’t about escape — they were my defense mechanism. It was the only way I could trick my mind into deep sleep.
Now, with everything going on, I’m trying to cope without that crutch. But it’s hard. My past, my dreams, the world — it all weighs heavily at night.
But despite it all, I keep praying — quietly, deeply — that everything will be alright. I remind myself that I’m not alone in this, and I place my fears in God’s hands. Even when the world feels uncertain and my mind feels heavy, my faith is what keeps me grounded. It’s the only thing that truly quiets my soul.
