Ali Siza

28/03/2025

Wanaume na wanaumess, leo nawaletea story ya vile nilichapwa hadi nikaona my past life na nikasikia sauti ya Pro Max akisema 'Come to me, my child!' 🤣

Sasa ilikuwa hivi...

Nikiwa pale Mundoli pryma, nilikuwa na talanta ya kusneak chuo after second break (break kubwa). Saa hiyo natoka k**a mwizi wa sadaka, natoa shati ya shule, nabaki na tisho na short juu k**a injili lazima uwe umevaa ndani. 🙏

Destination? Kwa Otoyo msale, pale hall ya movie kuwatch DJ Afro. 🎥🔥 Aisee, Afro alikuwa ananipandisha ndege hadi Vietnam, Hong Kong na Washing Tone DC, then anirudishe msale kabla my 5 bob iishe. Hiyo time DJ Afro anasema "Huyu jamaa anatembea k**a nguruwe alikanyaga sindano," na mimi nikiwa hapo nimebana shati kwa kwapa na kucheka k**a nitahepa school fees. 🤣

Timing yangu ilikuwa ya nusu bin nusu ya dondori. 🎯 Movie ikiisha, bell ya shule ya lunch ilikuwa inaring—na hiyo siyo kengele ya mchezo! Ilikuwa rim kubwa ya tractor inagongwa na mtu ako na roho mbaya, yaani ilikuwa inasikika location mzima ungedhani Yesu anarudi kwa round two. 🚜🔔

Sasa najua mnajiuliza hizi 5 bob za movie nilikuwa natoa wapi. 🤔 Well, madhe alikuwa mvugaji wa level ya Chief Poultry Officer. 🐔 Kuku zilikuwa home k**a thate! Nikaanza kugonga deal ya mayai na morio wa mini shop. Yaani biashara ilikuwa inaniingia kuliko CRE ya jioni. 😂💸

Standard procedure ya kuingia bomani:

1. First stop – kwa meko (three stones), nakanyage kwa jivu juu ukifika home ukiwa msafi unatoa ushahidi unnecessary. 🏃‍♂️🔥
2. Second stop – kabati, kuchungulia k**a uji umeiva ama naingia fasting ya Lazaro.
3.Third stop – k**a food haiko, nitafute mapera (hizi zilikuwa cryptocurrency ya childhood), alafu napitia kwa mabeshte wangu kula huko (shosh yao alikuwa na food program yenye haiku-experience budget cuts). 🍛

Yaani mambo ilikua smooth k**a chupi mpya hadi siku ya nyani kushikwa! 😭

Hiyo siku, miti yote iliteleza. Fence, mablanketi, choo cha shimo hakuna kitu kingeokoa hii mission. Ilikuwa siku ya ndovu kunikula, siku ya shetani kushine, siku ya kufinywa k**a dough ya maandazi. 🍩😩

Sasa ilihappen...

Nikafika shule kutoka lunch, nikapigwa na butwaa mbaya! Yaani nikabaki statue, jicho likiwa na network ya buffering, akili ikicheza slideshow ya mistakes zangu zote. 🤯

Sasa acha kwanza wasee, kuna beshte yangu amenitia form ya keg na mnajua leo ni Friday. Siwezi lalisha! 🍻 Part two nakam nayo kesho wengine waombee viuno visivunjike huko ndani! 🤣

28/03/2025

Love ya ocha ilikuwa pure, raw, na bila premium subscription. Hakukuwa na soft life, lakini mapenzi ilikua inakushika k**a wifi kwa router.

Huko ocha, madem hawakuwa wanapatikana online—ilikuwa either uwasake mtoni wakiosha nguo ama msituni wakisaka kuni (sorry, firewood ,Gen Z wameharibu lugha 🤦‍♂️).

Mimi nikiambiwa nichunge ng’ombe, kumbe hiyo ilikuwa deal ya kuni allow kutoka home juu ukishinda nje sana siku hiyo, home ulikuwa unakipata proper! 🤣

Sahizo tuko na zile kaduda tulisave for a whole year kununua, halafu ukipata credo ya ten bob? Bro, hiyo ilikuwa unlimited SMS na social status ya juuu. 📱🔥 (Aki pole mum, mimi ndo nilikua nakuibia ten bob kwa simu yako 🤣).

Na sasa texting ilikuwa tamu k**a kishash. Saa hizo, uko kwa blanketi na ile kelele inasikika tu ni "ta ta ta taa" tanakali za texting,Millennials wanajua hii. 😏

Mrembo anakutumia SMS ya "tupatane kwa mtu"—weeeeh, unageuka Usain Bolt mara hio! Mimi napiga passport yangu haraka, then gafla bin vuu, yani punda si punde nishatoke teke kuenda kuona mrembo wangu wa dhati. ❤️🏃‍♂️💨

Tukikutana hapo karibu na fence, form ni moja:
🔸 Kuambiana vile roho inapendana hadi kidney ndio imebaki kupump damu.
🔸 Kuchora tumap kwa vidolee za mguu.
🔸 Kurushiana matawi k🌿ama zile seeds za lantana kwa romantic gestures za kijaluo

Yaani ilikuwa love pure, no stress, no Netflix, no soft life. Sai Gen Z mapenzi yao ni "share location" na "uko na fare?" 😭😭

28/03/2025

If bad luck was a person, basi ni mimi. 😭 Let me take you through my personal horror movie:

Gas yangu ya 13KG? Imeisha.

Emergency gas ya 6KG? Imeisha.

Makaa ya rwabe yenye nilibuy juu life ni unpredictable? Imeisha.

Mafuta ya taa one liter yenye nilichukua k**a last resort? Pia imeisha.

At this point, hata kuwasha jiko ni ndoto. But the universe wasn’t done with me yet…

🔹 Chumvi imeisha, kibriti imepotea, na juu ya yote niligonga kidole ya mwisho kwa stand ya meza—na siyo kidogo, ile inakufanya ukatie nduru k**a umeitwa kwa interview ya UN. 😭

🔹 Chiwahua wangu akaamua earpod ya left ni delicacy. R.I.P left ear. 🎧💀

🔹 Jirani amesunda slipper zake full matope kwa doormat yangu—yaani sasa imekuwa swimming pool ya udongo. 😑

🔹 Netflix nayo ikakata monthly subscription moja kwa moja kutoka Mpesa—na hizo zilikuwa zile pesa niliyokopa kwa mum nijaze gas ya 6KG ya emergency. 🥲

At this point, I’m ready to just go live in the wilderness and befriend squirrels. Lakini bado haijaisha!

Nikapokea SMS mbili kwa phone karibu nizimi:

1️⃣ "Wewe unadhani nyumba ni yako unaishi vile unataka!!" – Hii ni nani sasa? Landlord? Jirani? Illuminati? 😵
2️⃣ "Beb, kwani uli......? Sioni lessons!!" – HEH. 🚨💀 Wacha nikae hapa nikihesabu siku k**a accountant wa KRA.

Yaani sijui niombe, ni fanye deliverance, ama nijifungie room nicheze sad music. 😭 Life is officially on hard mode.

26/03/2025

Almost midnight… the perfect time to reflect on my life choices like why I’m still awake knowing very well I’ll regret it in the morning. But hey, who needs sleep when you can scroll endlessly, overthink past conversations, and question every decision you’ve ever made? 😌

26/03/2025

Breaking news: My page is growing at an astonishing rate of 0.0001 followers per day! At this pace, I’ll be famous by the year 2099. Stay tuned for more groundbreaking updates like when I finally get my 5th like. 🤩 …Slowly"

26/03/2025

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the slowest-growing page in history! 🚀✨ After hours of strategic planning, I’m proud to announce that we now have a whopping 12 followers! Yes, you read that right. Move over, influencers—I'm coming for your brand deals… in about 10 years.

To my 12 loyal fans , I appreciate your unwavering support. To the rest of you lurking without hitting ‘Like’—don't worry, I’m patient. I’ll wait. 😌

Follow, engage, or just drop a pity like. Let’s make this page slightly less embarrassing together! 🙃

25/03/2025

25/03/2025

Haha

05/03/2025

Pope Francis is so down-to-earth, I wouldn’t be surprised if he showed up to mass in sneakers, gave a homily on why forgiveness is like free WiFi, and ended with, “Remember, folks, heaven has no VIP section—everyone’s on the guest list!” With his open-minded takes and humble attitude, he’s basically the cool grandpa of the Vatican, just one step away from blessing memes instead of rosaries.