29/08/2025
AFTER 10 YEARS... I FINALLY MADE IT OUT OF HERALD. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!😱
For ten long years I was a permanent resident of Herald, zoning creeps and my own ambitions with equal efficiency. Archaeologists could’ve carbon-dated my MMR. Steam considered upgrading my account to “museum piece.” But today, against all patch notes and probability theory, I have ascended to Guardian 1—the Everest of very small hills.
First, acknowledgments. Thank you to my parents for not rejecting me despite the suspicious number of “low-priority” evenings. Thank you to my teammates for only sometimes flaming me—your restraint was the sunlight that nourished this fragile potato. And most importantly, thank you, Anti-Mage, for carrying me in the last match with the spiritual guidance of six Slippers of Agility and a dream. I blinked; you farmed; society progressed.
The climb was not glamorous. I bought brown boots at 32 minutes. I warded the enemy fountain (art). I once smoke-ganked the courier and lost. Yet somewhere between “who pulled the wave?” and “report pos 6,” I discovered a secret: if you press your buttons on time and pretend you meant it, MMR moves.
Now I hear a whisper: “Ride the momentum, bro.” Next stop: TI. We must alert Gaben that rank prisoners are escaping. This is a national security issue—lock the Arcana vaults, reinforce the trench, tell Techies to stop smiling like that.
Will I regress tomorrow? Possibly. But tonight I am Guardian 1, baby. The air is thinner up here, the tips are kinder, and the creep aggro still hates me—just a little less than before.
u/Visible-Pressure6063