03/11/2025
FROM NGWO'S "OYI UKAKA" TO OLYMPIC CHAMPION (IN MY HEAD) – MY HILARIOUS SWIM SAGA!
Yo fam! If you’re from a landlocked village like me, raise your hand 🙋🏾♂️. We were BORN IN FEAR, BREASTFED WITH FEAR, and now fear is our UNWANTED ROOMMATE that won’t pay rent! 😭😂
In my village Ukaka Ngwo, we have NO RIVER, NO SEA, just one legendary stream called “Oyi Ukaka”, a magical cave where water gushes from a rock like heaven’s own tap. Crystal clear, pure vibes but ZERO SWIMMING LESSONS. Why? Because Ngwo people + Water = Enemies Since 1900.
Growing up? Swimming pool = Alien spaceship. I’d visit one and HUG THE SHALLOW END like my life depended on it (because it did). Try to go deeper? A tiny demon voice whispers:
“Nedu, remember Ngwo people and water are NOT besties. You go drown, your mama go cry!”
On one of my Lagos visits, one fine babe took me to Lagos Beach. I’m there posing, snapping pics, LOOKING AT WATER LIKE IT’S MY EX 😒. She said “Let’s swim!” I said “Let’s NOT and say we did!” 😂
Then boom, I went on a trip. Beaches so fine, even the sand was flexing! I couldn’t resist. Jumped in like a pro at the baby shallow part. Water touched my legs to my waist? I RAN LIKE USAIN BOLT ON WATER 🏃🏾♂️💨
This angel-faced lady said:
“Nedu, I got you. Come learn!”
I said: “Okay, but shallow o!”
SHE TOOK ME TO THE DEEP END LIKE A SACRIFICE 😭
KABOOM! I’m underwater, legs kicking like I’m fighting invisible sharks. She dives in, saves me, laughing:
“I told you I got you!”
YES MA, BUT NOT LIKE THIS! 😂🤦🏾♂️
Went on a boat cruise, good music, fresh fish, vibes was d***y! We stop at a cave island. Everyone jumps off to swim 100 meters to shore.
Me? LIFE JACKET ON, PRAYER ON REPEAT 🙏🏾
I swam like a drunk frog 🐸 but I MADE IT!
I’M NOW AN OLYMPIC CHAMPION IN MY VILLAGE GROUP CHAT😂.
But on the way back? Reggae done, blues start playing 😭
Few strokes in, I’m TIRED AF. Life jacket or not, I felt like Titanic’s cousin. A random uncle saw me sinking and yelled:
“Oga, you dey swim or you dey dance?!”
SAVED AGAIN! 😩
YESTERDAY: I FACED MY DEMONS 😤💪
Went to a private beach. Waves calm, vibes sweet. I stepped in, FEAR CAME KNOCKING.
I looked fear in the eye and said:
“OGA, YOUR TENANCY HAS EXPIRED! PACK OUT!” ✋🏾😂
An old papa saw me paddling like a confused duck:
“Young man, you no sabi swim?”
SHAME WANTED TO FINISH ME 😳
I lied: “Na warm-up!”
But guess what? I HAD FUN! Splashed, floated, laughed, I DIDN’T DIE!
MORAL OF THE STORY, KIDS:
1. Fear is a LIAR – it will tell you Ngwo people can’t swim. PROVE IT WRONG!
2. Start small – shallow end first, then waist, then maybe chest? 😂
3. Life jacket = Your village people’s best friend 🙌🏾
4. One day, I’ll swim like Michael Phelps or at least like a confident duck 🦆
TAG YOUR FRIEND WHO CAN’T SWIM BUT POSES AT THE POOL! 😂
SHARE IF YOU’VE EVER BEEN SAVED FROM DROWNING BY A RANDOM UNCLE! 👇🏾💦