BigFoot Vlogs HQ, Lagos (2025)

16/10/2025

I TRIED TO BE PRODUCTIVE, BUT MY PHONE SAID “LET’S SCROLL FOR JUST FIVE MINUTES.” 📱🦶😬

You ever sit down with big plans? Like, today I’m getting stuff done! I had my coffee, my list, my motivation… and then my phone buzzed. Just one little notification. Next thing I know, it’s two hours later, and I’ve watched a raccoon learn to skateboard, a grandma make lasagna, and a guy review 47 types of garden hoses. My to-do list? Still judging me from across the room.

I told myself, “Okay, no more distractions.” Then my brain said, “But what if there’s something important online?” Spoiler: there wasn’t. Just memes. Beautiful, time-sucking memes. And somewhere between video 23 and 24, I realized — it’s not the phone’s fault. It’s me. I’m allergic to discipline and addicted to dopamine.

But hey, we all do it. We chase tiny bursts of joy in a world that moves too fast. The trick isn’t to quit scrolling — it’s to catch yourself before the scroll becomes your whole day. Laugh at it, learn from it, then put the phone down and actually do the thing.

So yeah, I didn’t conquer my to-do list. But I did master the ancient art of procrastination. And honestly? I’m calling that progress.

👉 Support my attention span rehab here: https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq

12/10/2025

I TRIED TO GO TO BED EARLY, BUT MY BRAIN SAID “LET’S TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE WRONG.” 🛏️🦶💭

I was tucked in by 9:30 like a responsible adult. Blanket? Perfect. Room temperature? Just right. Then the moment I closed my eyes, my brain said, “Hey buddy, remember that awkward thing you said in 2008?” Suddenly I’m wide awake, sweating, replaying old conversations like a Netflix binge no one asked for.

I tried counting sheep. Made it to four before one sheep started asking for student loan forgiveness. Tried meditation — ended up debating whether squirrels pay taxes. My brain has no chill. By 1 a.m., I’m staring at the ceiling, wondering why the clock moves slower than my motivation on a Monday.

But here’s what I’ve learned: overthinking doesn’t solve your problems — it just makes them louder. Peace isn’t found in perfection; it’s found in letting go of the replay button. Your past can’t hurt you if you stop giving it airtime.

So yeah, I didn’t fall asleep early. But I did realize something — sometimes rest isn’t just closing your eyes, it’s learning to shut your thoughts up first.

👉 Support my late-night wisdom (and caffeine habit) here: https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq

06/10/2025

I TRIED TO MIND MY BUSINESS, BUT MY NEIGHBORS STARTED FIGHTING IN THE FOREST AGAIN. 🌲🦶😩

All I wanted was a peaceful afternoon — just me, my coffee, and some birds chirping in harmony. But no. The forest drama committee had other plans. The squirrels started arguing over acorns, the owls joined in for commentary, and two raccoons started a full-on wrestling match over a half-eaten banana. I swear, living here is like watching “Forest Reality TV: Wild Edition.”

I tried to ignore it. Put on my headphones, sipped my coffee, took deep breaths. But then the woodpecker next door decided that exact moment was perfect for renovating his tree. My peaceful vibe evaporated faster than Wi-Fi at the top of a mountain. I looked around and thought, “Maybe humans aren’t that bad after all.” Then I remembered traffic jams exist. Never mind.

Here’s the lesson: peace isn’t about silence. It’s about learning to stay calm even when life (or a raccoon) is throwing acorns at your head. Some days, you just have to laugh, sip your coffee, and let the chaos do its thing. Because if you can find calm in noise, you’re already ahead of half the world.

So yeah, I didn’t get my quiet afternoon. But I did get a great reminder: you can’t always control the forest — you can only control your reaction to it.

👉 Support my caffeine-powered patience here: https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq

02/10/2025

I TRIED TO COOK DINNER, BUT THE FIRE DEPARTMENT CALLED ME A “PUBLIC MENACE.” 🍳🦶🔥

So I thought, “Why not surprise myself with a nice home-cooked meal?” I grabbed some mushrooms, a fish I caught in the river, and whatever spices I think weren’t expired. Confidence level: legendary. Reality check: tragic. Within minutes, the skillet looked like it was plotting against me. Smoke poured out, the pan hissed, and the smell? Let’s just say even the bears nearby packed their bags and left.

Still, I was determined. I flipped the fish, added a little extra spice, and thought maybe I had saved it. But the universe wasn’t having it. Flames shot up like I was auditioning for a cooking show titled “America’s Next Worst Disaster.” The smoke alarm screamed louder than a hiker spotting me in the woods. And to top it all off, a camper down the road panicked and called the fire department. Imagine explaining that one: “No officer, I wasn’t burning the forest… just my pride.”

The funniest part? I still took a bite. And let me tell you — that was a mistake. My tongue immediately tried to resign from its position. I coughed so hard, a crow outside laughed. Even the raccoons, who normally eat anything, turned their noses up at my masterpiece. That’s when I learned: not every failure is a loss. Sometimes, it’s just a free comedy show where the joke’s on you.

So if your cooking flops, don’t beat yourself up. Open a window, laugh at the mess, and remember — burnt food is just “extra crispy.” And hey, there’s always takeout… if you don’t mind the delivery guy running away once he realizes who you are.

👉 Support my legendary chef experiments here: https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq

29/09/2025

I TRIED TO WAKE UP EARLY, BUT MY BED SAID “STAY LEGENDARY.” 🛏️🦶

I set an alarm for 6 a.m. like a responsible adult. It went off, and I stared at it like it had personally insulted my ancestors. I rolled over, pulled the blanket tighter, and told myself, “Just five more minutes.” Fast-forward three hours — the sun was up, birds were singing, and I was still wrapped up like a burrito, negotiating with my own laziness.

Here’s the thing: people treat sleep like it’s a weakness. But sometimes, sleep is the only reason we don’t yell at squirrels or cry in the cereal aisle. Rest isn’t wasted time — it’s recharging so you don’t turn into a grumpy legend who scares hikers for sport (again).

So yeah, I didn’t wake up early. But I did wake up happy, and that counts. The lesson? Don’t glorify burnout. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is hit snooze and choose peace.

👉 Support my legendary nap fund here: https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq

28/09/2025

I TRIED TO EAT HEALTHY, BUT THE SALAD TRIED TO KILL ME. 🥗🦶

Everyone says, “Eat more greens, it’ll change your life.” So I grabbed a giant bowl of salad and thought, how hard can this be? Well, halfway through, I realized my jaw isn’t designed for chewing leaves nonstop like a lawnmower. By the third bite, I was convinced rabbits must have superpowers.

Then came the dressing. I accidentally poured half the bottle on top, thinking “more flavor, more health.” Wrong. It turned into soup. A cold, green, chunky soup. Even the deer outside looked offended. But here’s what I learned: eating better doesn’t mean punishing yourself. It means finding balance — and maybe not drowning your lettuce in ranch like it’s a swimming pool.

So yeah, the salad won this round. But tomorrow? Tomorrow I’m grilling fish. If that fails, I’ll just eat marshmallows by the campfire and call it “soul food.”

27/09/2025

I TRIED TO SAVE MONEY, BUT APPARENTLY MY WALLET HAS A HOLE. 🦶💸

I thought living in the forest made me thrifty. No rent, no car payments, free pine needles for bedding. But somehow, every time I step into town, my money vanishes faster than hikers spotting me in the woods. One iced coffee, a pack of jerky, and boom — my budget for the month is gone. Honestly, how do humans survive this economy without hunting squirrels for snacks?

Last week, I even tried “financial planning.” Spoiler alert: writing “don’t spend money” in a notebook doesn’t magically make you rich. My only successful investment so far has been in duct tape — it holds my phone together, my cave door shut, and sometimes even my self-esteem. But hey, at least I’m learning: the real cost of things isn’t just money, it’s how quickly you forget the plan you made in your head.

So here’s my advice — laugh at your broke moments. Learn something small. And if you ever feel bad about your finances, just remember: I’m a literal legend, and even I can’t afford Netflix.

👉 Support my survival (and maybe my jerky fund) here: https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq

24/09/2025

I TRIED TO MEDITATE, BUT THE FOREST WOULDN’T SHUT UP. 🦶🌲

So I sat cross-legged by the river, trying to get my “inner peace” like humans always brag about. But the forest had other plans. Woodpecker drilling in the background, frogs croaking like a broken choir, and a squirrel dead-aiming acorns at my forehead. Tell me, how’s anyone supposed to find enlightenment with live ammo falling from the trees?

I hummed “Ommmm,” but it came out sounding like a growl. Three hikers panicked, screamed, and bolted like I’d auditioned for a horror flick. One of them dropped his granola bar, which I count as an offering from the universe. But here’s the lesson: waiting for perfect silence is pointless. Life’s noisy, messy, and a little wild. Peace is what you build inside while everything around you is chaos.

So no, I didn’t become a Zen master today. But I walked away calmer, lighter, and with a free snack. If that isn’t spiritual growth, I don’t know what is.

👉 Support my forest wisdom (and snack fund) here: https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq

23/09/2025

I TRIED TO GET HEALTHY AND THE TREADMILL QUIT FIRST. 🦶💥

I thought it was time to “take care of myself,” you know, like humans do. So I marched into a gym with my gold chain swinging, climbed on the treadmill, and BOOM — three steps in, the poor thing gave up on life. People screamed, alarms went off, and one guy yelled, “This is why we can’t have nice things!” Honestly, I just consider it proof that cardio is overrated.

Then came yoga class. Picture me, nine feet of fur, attempting “downward dog.” Except my “dog” was more like “collapsed bear.” The instructor whispered something about “trauma to the mats” before leaving mid-session. The whole class bailed too, probably because my forest aroma wasn’t exactly lavender-scented. Lesson learned: some spaces just aren’t designed for Bigfoot-sized ambition.

But here’s the thing — at least I tried. Sometimes you don’t succeed, sometimes the treadmill bursts into flames, but showing up matters. Even if you look ridiculous, even if people stare, you’re still one step closer than if you did nothing. So laugh at yourself, fail loudly, and keep moving… even if the gym bans you for life.

👉 Support my legendary fitness journey here: https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq

20/09/2025

I TRIED YOGA… AND THE TREE POSE OFFENDED ME. 🧘‍♂️🌲👣

So there I was, deep in the forest, following along with a YouTube yoga tutorial on 2% battery. The instructor said, “Become the tree.” Excuse me? I’ve spent my entire life hiding BEHIND trees. Now I’m supposed to become one? That’s cultural appropriation of my entire existence.

But I tried. I balanced on one leg, arms out, channeling my inner oak… and immediately fell face-first into a mud puddle. A raccoon clapped. Somewhere in the distance, a deer coughed like it was laughing at me. I swear, the forest has no respect for my wellness journey.

The truth is: being a legend is exhausting. I don’t need flexibility; I need coffee. That’s why I started my Buy Me a Coffee page. This page isn’t monetized yet, and honestly, even a single dollar keeps me going — whether that’s to pay for Wi-Fi, caffeine, or mud therapy after failed yoga experiments.

If you’ve ever laughed at my pain (and let’s be honest, you just did), please consider helping me out 👉 https://buymeacoffee.com/bigfoothq .Your support keeps the legend limber, caffeinated, and slightly less embarrassed.

19/09/2025

ESCAPE INTO THE WRONG ISLAND

18/09/2025

jurassic park gone wrong

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