29/03/2025
THE PAIN OF VULNERABILITY
This is personally a sensitive topic for me because subconsciously we are taught to sort of "APPEAR STRONG & PERFECT" in our African society.
We teach people these things subconsciously in our churches, where any sign of weakness or struggle or wound or pain should be ignored, buried and stuffed down our stomach and we should never release it, the only thing allowed to be released is the idealism of perfection and that should be portrayed at all times. Perfection and strength.
We teach people these things in our schools also, where an angry child in school with so much rage is seen as crazy, lack of home training, rebellious and just disrespectful. That sometimes we don't really see that child is crying for help. I know the typical response to this now would be "which kind help is the child crying for". You would be surprised what children have to say if you could only give them a chance to say it and listen.
We teach these things in the work place also and society in general. Where perfection and strength is rewarded and weaknesses and struggles are sort of viewed as incompetent and failures. Remember I said perfection and strength, because I know some people would read this and still develop that push back against what am writing but oh well, we are entitled to our individual opinions.
Because of this "showcase of perfection and strength" sometimes when it now comes to relationships, friendships and what have you. We carry that same attitude in relationships, in marriages. Everybody is trying to appear strong and perfect and any glimpse of weakness and imperfection is countered with ridicule, anger, giving up, going outside to look for better, nobody wants to try. Everybody is ashamed of imperfections. Same thing with friendships, am gonna keep my s**t together and not show you the areas in which I need help because I know you will judge me and I expect the judgement will follow through with when the friendship breaks up, my matter will likely be outside for the world to hear and perceive. Or fear of being abandoned and betrayed.
So basically nobody wants to be vulnerable, be honest about where there are at, weaknesses is seen as insecurity, it is frowned upon, it is rebuked, it is shamed, it is ...infact even to the extent that people have now started using finances and career as a cover up for fear of being weak. People have now used marrying early as a cover up for fear of being seen as incompetent and weak.
People have morphed and mask themselves well and covered it up well. It is better to not show my scars and be vulnerable because the world operates with "STRENGTH AND PERFECTION".
Marriages these days, you can't find vulnerability. Friendships these days, you can't find vulnerability and safety, what's worse in the family system, any sign of weakness or imperfection is rebuked and shamed to the point that you can't even function.
So In response, you hide and morph yourself with your many wounds and scars and you pretend to be fine. To the point you have even deceived your own body in acting like your fine. Deceived your own mind as well in acting like you are fine.
No safety in the elders, everybody is more concerned about looking perfect in their eyes, and the elders expectation is all about you looking perfect as well, so I mean you get what you expect right?
Safety and vulnerability is rare. I believe some do have it. But it's rare to see people who genuinely can showcase all the wounds and scars and still be accepted. I talk about healing alot. Sometimes healing is as simple as you showcasing your scars and you are embraced. It's as simple as that. The kind of embrace that heals your heart. The kind of embrace that lets down your walls. The kind of embrace that feels right. You know in your heart this is home. It's not home because of money, because of career achievements, because of expectations or perfections, it's home because you were embraced when you showcased your brokeness, when your showcase where it hurts. When you opened your mouth and you were listened to and understood.
This is why I said it's a sensitive topic. We have created a culture of isolation and expectations of perfections and then we wonder why when people fall short, and when they fall short, they fall short so bad because all these years they have been carrying the weight of masks, expectations, perfections and showcase of strength.
Healing cannot be achieved when you mask all the time, and alot of times the family system stunts the healing journey because when you are trying to heal, it's is stifled and stopped because the expectations is perfection. Same thing with society, church, work place and more.
Now people have developed different coping mechanism, it's not just drinking, smoking, partying, promiscuity and the common things we know, now it's anger problem, extreme rage, isolation, people pleasing, fighting back at whatever is told to you, your walls are now so up that any perceived threats, you are ready to pounce and counter. Now it's a loud mouth, using money as a weapon, using career achievements as a weapon, using friendships as a coping mechanism, hopping from this friend to that friend trying to find meaning and love, hopping from this relationship to that relationship. Looking for validation. Am not just talking about women, even men. Your ego is so high that you are trying to protect yourself so bad. Even the rage and anger and loud mouth. Even men trying to reach for applause from their fellow elders and friends because validation is what you feel you need not vulnerability.
Some would go as far as control, controlling the wife, executing authority, dominating and disrupting things, I see you clearly. Trust me Lily sees through you. You are afraid of vulnerability so control and rage because a weapon for you.
Women are now developing a masculine aura to protect themselves. Men are developing control and rage and ego to protect themselves. Every body is wearing an armor.
It's almost like everybody is in a battle ground but nobody is fighting but everybody is wearing an armor.
This is what is affecting marriages now, affecting relationships, affecting friendships, affecting families, nobody wants to be honest.
Nobody want to be vulnerable with one another. Let us keep masking it and keeping it together after all that's what's people expect us to do. Pretend till you die slowly on the inside, either they die slowly on the inside or physically die and when you now die, people will now run their mouth and begin to wonder what happened. I'll tell you what happened.
That's why these days people can't trust one another. Trust is such a war for you. You just can't trust anybody or let anybody in. Maybe because the people you let in betrayed you bitterly or you are afraid to trust because you are scared of the possibility of being called to a higher level of responsibility.
And then when I talk about healing on Facebook especially in the Nigerian society, somebody will now tell me am nuts or am crazy. I laugh. I laugh real hard. I guess crazy is the new "awakened". That's another thing too, people are threatened and afraid when somebody points the truth out because it's scary.
This is 4am on a Saturday morning. I just got up on my bed to write this.
Oh well, happy Saturday everybody.
