Lily's stories

17/06/2025

Something to ponder on with regards to marriage and love.

29/05/2025

TRAUMA AND ITS IMPACT.

Reposting it here because Facebook gave a deadline for deletion of Facebook live.

19/05/2025

THE OTHER SIDE OF REPORTING THAT CAUSES EMOTIONAL HARM

Typically the resounding theory is, the more I report someone to a higher authority, the more chances the person gets help.

Personally that is debatable for me. I see this alot with parents sometimes. You really don't want to put all cards on the table and ensure all cards are completely turned properly, then you run to an outside source to find validation to your theories of what that child needs.

Alot of times parents would say " oh the child needs exposure" Exposure is what the child needs to get right, that's my way of helping that child". But alot of times the heart posture of parents is not really to get help but seeking validation from an outside source for their perception of that child.

Heart posture counts when seeking change. When the heart posture of parents in exposure and reporting is wrong, then you essentially create more distance and resentment with that child than the help you think you are going to get.

One thing I found about children is that trust is earned. Trust is a process. Trust is worked at. This theory that we have a lot of times of trust being forced and demanded. I have a problem with that , I have a problem with alot of Nigerian theories. I just, there is alot of problems I have with the way we do things as Nigerians. It has almost become a culture of demand than building something gradually.

You demand for the child to open up, if the child doesn't, you shame and blast the child. Now you tell what form of trust is going to be formed there or am I the one thinking ballistic here?

And then when the child wants to handle it on their own and deal with their business since it's clear they can't get help or healing from you, then you proceed to blast that one too. And am like, wait a minute. Is this how you foster closeness? Is this how we show love? Is this what love means? Where we demand trust and transparency and then when we don't get it, we proceed to blast the person for keeping it to themselves?

Alot of our ideologies as Nigerians, sometimes I get very tired and frustrated. I get so frustrated that it becomes a thing where I psychologically feel that we are in a prison and the we are taught not to feel like it's prison. We are taught to accept the prison and see it as a way of life and if we don't accept it, then there is something physically wrong with us.

The last time I checked, love and trust is built upon routine check ups, the how are you's, the extending a hand and having long suffering enough to keep extending it untill a heart softens. And even if you want to back out because of the other party not receiving the hand, at the very least maintain the understanding at that level of the situation.

This verse on "do not provoke your children to wrath" sometimes I feel it's not talked about enough. It's not a license for children to behave inappropriately but it's almost like we disregard it and emphasize force and push and demands. And am like, on what grounds is that supposed to help.

Even your relationship with God, on what grounds was it forced and hammered down your head and pushed and pulled until you trusted him? On what verse or philosophy was that based on?

Are we not talking about love here? Is it not love we are talking about? How can you be naked and show scars when you show the scars and there is no understanding for the scars or a safe place for healing to take place?

I will never understand some of the things we do as Nigerians. It sometimes shocks me how we do it our way and then when we don't get the results, we get physically mad about it. And then we run to exposing the child because that's our last resort.

Safety will never be birthed on the grounds of trust being demanded and forced. Even marriage is not built on force and demand. Talk less of child relationships or closeness.

The more you physically create a distance, the more distance will be made. The more you do it your way of exposure, the more trust will go to - 0.

And both parties will never be satisfied.

03/04/2025

For the women and men who have experienced hurt in relationships whether it be personal, social or family wise.

This is for you.

Self forgiveness is crucial in healing.

And it takes time.

What's important is one step at a time and you must recognize your patterns.

Forgive yourself, heal, forgive yourself again, heal.

It's all about putting one foot in front of the other each day.

That's why when I talk about trauma and it's effect, it's crucial we pay attention to patterns.

31/03/2025

AFRICANS AND THE CONCEPT OF TRAUMA

People would have a very judgemental perspective towards this post.

They would probably say things like oh,

- it's her fault for being promiscuous, it's her issue, she brought this on herself.

And sometimes when I hear people say that, think that or even highlight that in their minds, It affirms my beliefs that African society do not understand the depth of trauma.

We just don't. We feel we know what it is because we have our own experience with it but you cannot use your own experience to determine another. That is the beginning of wrong advice. You must become sensitive, you must study other people's experience, you must gain wisdom to understand what trauma is, you must understand it's effects across time and you must learn to guide people towards healing.

She mentioned few things.

- abandonment from her biological father
- older men s*xually abusing her when she was a child by touching her...

And how that led her down the path of relationships and how s*x became a tool that was used.

When I talk about trauma, it's like Lily have come again. I would not stop.

Our society is filled with deep rooted issues stemming from trauma and we don't see it. We judge the action alot but we don't understand the depth of the cause.

Gladly she found Jesus and she is gradually getting accustomed to healing but that's another thing we don't talk about that I advocate for....healing.

Healing in the African society is not talked about. All we say is " it has happened, move on".
How can you move on when the trauma has affected your personality, affected your trust level, affected your coping mechanism, affected how you see the world, affected how you see people.

Where is the "moving on advice" going to take place.

Trauma affects relationships. Trauma affects your perspective on "love".
Trauma affects how you see men, especially if men were responsible for brutally wounding you either as a child through s*xual abuse, accusation and detachment.

Maybe I will do a video on how abandonment can lead to you becoming a "baby mama".

Just look at the way she is weeping shows you the depth of trauma. The wound of trauma. The pain it leaves behind.

And someone will now tell me ....oh Lily let's not talk about it. Everybody should find a way to cope and move on after all everybody has gone through it.....ahhhh!!!

Ahhh!!!!!

Hmmmmm!!!

Okay oo. If that's what you think advice concerning trauma should be centered upon.

Am glad she is self aware and she is weeping. Because self awareness of the cause of your pain and grief is crucial in the healing process of your traumatic experience.

You must be willing to pinpoint your pain, walk down the grief process. In the African society, we just pinpoint the pain but we don't properly grief and we don't give people grace when walking down the healing journey.

We don't have time to even help people heal and assist them.

I am following this lady on social media and am proud of her. Very proud. Because the healing journey of fatherhood wounds, abandonment wounds, s*xual abuse wounds is not something that you quote on quote "get over", Jesus helps you by becoming love to you by gradually suiting your wounds but as he is suiting your wounds, you also need people at the right time to show you grace, to express his love to you in different ways to help you and assist you heal properly.

And healing is one step at a time. Sometimes healing isn't perfect. Mistakes will happen in the healing process, fear would creep in, relapse will take place because you are not used to authentic love, but gradually as you take those steps, one day at a time, forgiving yourself, recognizing your patterns, grieving properly, running to the heavenly father, choosing the right people who are "SENSITIVE TO TRAUMA TENDENCIES" would help you adequately become who you are meant to be.

On Instagram this lady is taking her healing journey one step at a time. And I am proud. Very proud of her. Because in the African society, we just are very detached. Very in "fog land".

We just don't wanna care about trauma nor understand it's depths across time especially how it affects your personality, and your views on life.

I will be talking about how trauma (abandonment made a lady a baby mama)

29/03/2025

THE PAIN OF VULNERABILITY

This is personally a sensitive topic for me because subconsciously we are taught to sort of "APPEAR STRONG & PERFECT" in our African society.

We teach people these things subconsciously in our churches, where any sign of weakness or struggle or wound or pain should be ignored, buried and stuffed down our stomach and we should never release it, the only thing allowed to be released is the idealism of perfection and that should be portrayed at all times. Perfection and strength.

We teach people these things in our schools also, where an angry child in school with so much rage is seen as crazy, lack of home training, rebellious and just disrespectful. That sometimes we don't really see that child is crying for help. I know the typical response to this now would be "which kind help is the child crying for". You would be surprised what children have to say if you could only give them a chance to say it and listen.

We teach these things in the work place also and society in general. Where perfection and strength is rewarded and weaknesses and struggles are sort of viewed as incompetent and failures. Remember I said perfection and strength, because I know some people would read this and still develop that push back against what am writing but oh well, we are entitled to our individual opinions.

Because of this "showcase of perfection and strength" sometimes when it now comes to relationships, friendships and what have you. We carry that same attitude in relationships, in marriages. Everybody is trying to appear strong and perfect and any glimpse of weakness and imperfection is countered with ridicule, anger, giving up, going outside to look for better, nobody wants to try. Everybody is ashamed of imperfections. Same thing with friendships, am gonna keep my s**t together and not show you the areas in which I need help because I know you will judge me and I expect the judgement will follow through with when the friendship breaks up, my matter will likely be outside for the world to hear and perceive. Or fear of being abandoned and betrayed.

So basically nobody wants to be vulnerable, be honest about where there are at, weaknesses is seen as insecurity, it is frowned upon, it is rebuked, it is shamed, it is ...infact even to the extent that people have now started using finances and career as a cover up for fear of being weak. People have now used marrying early as a cover up for fear of being seen as incompetent and weak.

People have morphed and mask themselves well and covered it up well. It is better to not show my scars and be vulnerable because the world operates with "STRENGTH AND PERFECTION".

Marriages these days, you can't find vulnerability. Friendships these days, you can't find vulnerability and safety, what's worse in the family system, any sign of weakness or imperfection is rebuked and shamed to the point that you can't even function.

So In response, you hide and morph yourself with your many wounds and scars and you pretend to be fine. To the point you have even deceived your own body in acting like your fine. Deceived your own mind as well in acting like you are fine.

No safety in the elders, everybody is more concerned about looking perfect in their eyes, and the elders expectation is all about you looking perfect as well, so I mean you get what you expect right?

Safety and vulnerability is rare. I believe some do have it. But it's rare to see people who genuinely can showcase all the wounds and scars and still be accepted. I talk about healing alot. Sometimes healing is as simple as you showcasing your scars and you are embraced. It's as simple as that. The kind of embrace that heals your heart. The kind of embrace that lets down your walls. The kind of embrace that feels right. You know in your heart this is home. It's not home because of money, because of career achievements, because of expectations or perfections, it's home because you were embraced when you showcased your brokeness, when your showcase where it hurts. When you opened your mouth and you were listened to and understood.

This is why I said it's a sensitive topic. We have created a culture of isolation and expectations of perfections and then we wonder why when people fall short, and when they fall short, they fall short so bad because all these years they have been carrying the weight of masks, expectations, perfections and showcase of strength.

Healing cannot be achieved when you mask all the time, and alot of times the family system stunts the healing journey because when you are trying to heal, it's is stifled and stopped because the expectations is perfection. Same thing with society, church, work place and more.

Now people have developed different coping mechanism, it's not just drinking, smoking, partying, promiscuity and the common things we know, now it's anger problem, extreme rage, isolation, people pleasing, fighting back at whatever is told to you, your walls are now so up that any perceived threats, you are ready to pounce and counter. Now it's a loud mouth, using money as a weapon, using career achievements as a weapon, using friendships as a coping mechanism, hopping from this friend to that friend trying to find meaning and love, hopping from this relationship to that relationship. Looking for validation. Am not just talking about women, even men. Your ego is so high that you are trying to protect yourself so bad. Even the rage and anger and loud mouth. Even men trying to reach for applause from their fellow elders and friends because validation is what you feel you need not vulnerability.
Some would go as far as control, controlling the wife, executing authority, dominating and disrupting things, I see you clearly. Trust me Lily sees through you. You are afraid of vulnerability so control and rage because a weapon for you.

Women are now developing a masculine aura to protect themselves. Men are developing control and rage and ego to protect themselves. Every body is wearing an armor.
It's almost like everybody is in a battle ground but nobody is fighting but everybody is wearing an armor.

This is what is affecting marriages now, affecting relationships, affecting friendships, affecting families, nobody wants to be honest.
Nobody want to be vulnerable with one another. Let us keep masking it and keeping it together after all that's what's people expect us to do. Pretend till you die slowly on the inside, either they die slowly on the inside or physically die and when you now die, people will now run their mouth and begin to wonder what happened. I'll tell you what happened.

That's why these days people can't trust one another. Trust is such a war for you. You just can't trust anybody or let anybody in. Maybe because the people you let in betrayed you bitterly or you are afraid to trust because you are scared of the possibility of being called to a higher level of responsibility.

And then when I talk about healing on Facebook especially in the Nigerian society, somebody will now tell me am nuts or am crazy. I laugh. I laugh real hard. I guess crazy is the new "awakened". That's another thing too, people are threatened and afraid when somebody points the truth out because it's scary.

This is 4am on a Saturday morning. I just got up on my bed to write this.

Oh well, happy Saturday everybody.

27/03/2025

GETTING USED TO THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE

Typically when you have surrounded yourself with pain, hurt, either through your choices, your background or relationships whether it be friendships, family wise or relationship wise in terms of partner, if you happen to have experienced a great amount of pain and hurt.

The tendency to get familiar with pain is real.

Gradually pain and hurt becomes your definition of love. You now start to tell yourself things like, I can manage, let's manage it. Nothing out there is good. Let me stick to the chaos am in than reach out for the tendency of singleness and loneliness beyond which will eventually lead to the right kind of love.

But no, loneliness is scary for you, pain and hurt is what you want.

You keep on trying to make sense of your life and the only person that fits the equation that shows a glimmer of codependency and hope is the one person that hurts you the most.

This is why when people say mental health practitioners or counselors are not important especially with the way we say things indirectly in the African society, I sometimes begin to wonder to myself, are you really completely certain that counsellors with alot of experience in trauma isn't crucial to our society?

Yes, you need the Great counsellor. But after the great counsellor, you need help in navigating your ideologies.

You have accustomed love to disrespect, low self esteem, violation of your values, codependency, and extreme need for relief from your childhood pain or whatever pain.

Shouting won't make you change, a hand to hold you as you walk through the healing process is necessary. And somebody as sensible and equipped with what healing looks like is crucial for this step.

That's why alot of times you see, the victims of extreme abuse, go back to their abuser. It's not necessarily because they want too, that's all they know. Imagine looking at the bruises on your body, then you tell yourself, I will go back because he said sorry. The last time he said sorry, he locked you in the house and starved you and r***d you. They rescued you, you went right back and this time he whipped you with belt and you are injured all over your body.

And now you want to still go back. People do not understand trauma and worse in the African society we try to condition ourselves that using our mouth to talk to the person with our hopeless advice will solve the problem.
No, it won't. I will tell you that with a straight face looking at you eyeball to eyeball.

A sensitive person experienced in the sphere of low self esteem issues, trauma in the childhood, grief, loss, identity crisis and pain. Someone experienced in that should step to the play. Someone that understands what it means to struggle with what love means. Someone that has depths in what it means to have a void in the heart and how that transcends into life and relationships.

Imagine a boy, struggling and fighting for meaning in life. Hold his values dear but somehow ends up working for a man. After that the man abused him s*xually seriously for years. He cries to flee, once he manages to escape. He can't seem to function in the normal world without his abuser. All he has ever known for years is abuse and torture and now he is trying to balance what it means to live life without torture. After some months struggling, he runs right back to his abuser.

This is what it means to accustom love to pain. You are used to pain, wounds and hurt that when the real love that doesn't include that comes, you fight it, you scatter it, you use your own hand to flee because all you have ever known is chaos. This is why being a professional in mental health is crucial. You are equipped to know what it means to understand the body's fight or flight response.

You are so used to dysfunction that you fight the right things, even when you are trying to make the right choice and balance your life, you make the wrong ones.

That's why am adamant about the concept of healing wounds that date back to your childhood. Nigerian culture would tell you, there is nothing like healing. Forget that one. This is all bulls and crack.

I hope somehow you don't ruin the lives around you that need help because of your ignorance and nonchalant ways.

This is not a game to play with.

There are real people that have entered marriages and endured pain and hurt because that's all they know, they are people who have lost their lives in relationships all because of needing love to fill their void and hurt, there are people that have endured r**e because of their broken perspectives on love.

We need to start having conversations as a society, this is a plague that has spread like wildfire.

It starts as simple as neglect from your upbringing, not feeling loved, feeling isolated, abandoned and maltreated, feeling unheard and unprovided for or growing up without a father that loved you, navigating pain from parental separation, dealing with wounds that started from low self esteem, growing up in a household that had comparisons or with parents that didn't understand you or didn't love you in a way you needed, It starts just as a seed and germinates into promiscuity, broken marriages, divorce, addiction, death and a whole lineage destroyed.

And then what we do as a society in return is we gossip alot and open our mouth wide to talk about the matter. When it comes to sensitivity, it's complete zero, solution to the matter with regards to compassion, empathy, healing -zero. When it comes to holding the person's hand and walking down the path of healing while helping them with their self identity crisis and mistakes, all we have is zero knowledge, zero capacity but we have alot of strength to open our mouths to judge and talk.

Redefining love for a person who has experienced extreme levels of brokeness is hard, but not impossible. It's all about walking zigzag for a while before walking straight.

And trust me, if you need help. I am a safe place to talk and walk you through the healing journey.

13/03/2025

YOU HAVE A WOMB AS A WOMAN, DO JUSTICE AND BIRTH LIFE.

Hi, if you are reading this and you are a woman or a young girl.

Listen to me closely.

This is something I wished someone told me when I was struggling and I couldn't see a glimpse of light anywhere.

It doesn't matter what you have done, what you have experienced, what paths you have thread, what mistakes were made, what traumas was carried, what wounds in your soul was formed, what confusion you have, what lack of clarity you posess, what roads are blocked, what people say.. it doesn't matter.

What matters is despite all that, you still have a womb. Your womb was never taken from you because of your mistakes, your womb was never taken from you because you tried and you keep trying but you keep failing. Your womb was never taken from you despite all your horrific experiences in life.

Your womb was there right there in your stomach. Your reproductive organs, your ovaries, your egg, everything.

Scientifically and spiritually you still have a womb. You still have the power to bring forth life. You still posess the authority to manifest great potential, and when I mean life I don't mean a child.

I mean destiny, I mean purpose. Your womb can rewrite nations, can demolish alters, it doesn't matter if your body and mind posess scars. Your womb remains.

You have a womb still, your ovaries are still in place, waiting to be fertilized.

Dear woman or young lady listening to me, allow yourself to birth a fresh chapter, let your womb spring forth waters for nations to drink, let your womb bring forth healing.

Let your womb lead daughters and even sons to ultimate destiny.

You have a womb. You still have a womb, you still can produce life, you can start a fresh, you can begin a new chapter, you can take authority over every pain and heartache, you still have a womb!

I wish I can say it as it is in my soul.

Wake up young girl, wake up daughter, wake up woman, there is a womb in you.

Doesn't matter the poverty, grief, accusation, past, trauma, wounds, unemployment, pain, heartache, it doesn't matter.

You still have a womb. You still posess your ovaries. You can bring forth life.

Bring forth life dear woman. Wake up to your potential, you carry a great assignment in your bowels. You have the power to nurture the afflicted, to tend to the wounds of the wounded, you have the power to scream out in pain during labour and rejoice after labour.

Dear young girl, dear woman, dear sister. Wake up to the power within you. The fertilizer is God.

You must produce. You must bear children, your children would be seeds.

Many things am saying now, I wish people around me shook me back then many years ago when I was in despair.

But I thank God that was a stage I walked through most importantly as a Lily.

Wake up and bring forth children, heal and dominate. Your womb has power. You must heal and dominate.

The assignment is healing. You must heal an dominate.

Stretch forth your loins and scream out and produce fruit. You must produce.

I said you must produce.

You must produce fruit!!!!

12/03/2025

12/03/2025

I would be speaking on healing from emotional pain with Ruthie on March 14-15 8pm Nigerian time on each day.

If you would like to join.

Click the link below to join the WhatsApp group chat

https://chat.whatsapp.com/K0o8YkFOF6tF8Wuz9cysz7

If you can't join, copy the link.

Hoping to see you there.

07/03/2025

This is a video highlighting the dynamic between parent and child relationship.

04/03/2025

Tune in for my talk on healing from emotional pain.

Jordan Peterson explains it well here.