06/12/2025
I have this neighbor who’s always calling everyone “love,” “darling,” and “baby,” but that’s where the affection ends.
You can’t even give her a full hug; she’ll just turn sideways and offer you half hug and never chest to chest hug.
We’re responsible guys in the complex , so she feels free to come and go as she likes.
One day, my girlfriend told me she was coming over, and since my babe is extremely jealous, I quickly called my neighbor and said:
“Please, today just call me neighbor or Kingdavid. Don’t call me baby, love, or any rubbish.”
“Kingdavid? That’s your name? I thought everyone calls you Joe ”
That’s when I realized — this girl didn’t even know my name! We laughed for a long time. She kept chanting:
“Kingdavid, Kingdavid, Kingdavid…” like a kid, just to cram it.
She now joked that that’s why she gives us guys pet names; she can never remember anybody’s real name.
Later that evening, my girlfriend arrived. As we were chilling and watching Netflix, we suddenly heard my neighbor shouting outside:
“Baby! My love! Honeyyyy!”
My girlfriend hissed:
“Some people don’t have shame. Are you the first person to fall in love? Why is she shouting like that?”
Then — gbam gbam gbam — loud knock on my door.
“My love! Are you not hearing me calling you?”
It was my neighbor.
My girlfriend and I exchanged ‘God abeg’ glances just as the door opened and my neighbor walked in with arms wide open.
“Oh! So this is why you’re ignoring me! No wonder — my rival is here!” She hugged me and pecked my cheek. Then she turned to my girlfriend:
“So you’re my competition? I’m Lucy — his first love.”
My girlfriend just stared, speechless.
Lucy cat–walked to my kitchen, grabbed Indomie and eggs and shouted:
“Take it easy on my baby o! Don’t break his waist for me o!”
My girlfriend glared at me, picked up her things, and despite all my begging and pleading, she stormed out of my house.
Omo, I was in pain. I ran to Lucy’s place — the winch wasn’t even there. She had gone to another neighbor’s house to cook my Indomie and egg.
I kept quiet and waited for karma.
Days passed… things returned to normal.
Two weeks later, God remembered me.
Her serious boyfriend came to visit, probably to spend the night. Around 9pm he drove in. I waited 45 minutes… then marched to her house.
I didn’t even knock I just pushed the door open and entered with only boxers.
She was in the kitchen wearing pant and bra.
“Who is that?! Don’t enter o!” she screamed.
Too late — I was already inside.
The boyfriend was completely naked on the rug.
“Lulu baby, I don dey wait since nah. Ah-ah, your guy still dey here? My guy, how far now?”
I stretched my hand for a handshake. He was too shocked and wasn’t fast enough to even cover himself — he just stared at me with open mouth, ignoring my hands
“Lulu baby, where our polo? I wan use am tomorrow.”
I went straight to her wardrobe and took one big expensive designer polo — definitely something he bought for her.
As I took it, I walked out of the bedroom. The boyfriend was still on the ground but now he had used one of her throw pillows to cover his preeq
I strolled into the kitchen. Lucy’s eyes were almost popping out.
On the counter: one full plate of fried rice, salad, and two big turkey laps. A bottle of Four Cousins beside it.
“Ah, see enjoyment. Oya, make I use this one guide.”
I carried the two turkey laps and the wine.
Before she could react I moved sharply
“Lulu baby, I dey expect you later. I go leave my door open — once you discharge your visitor, you fit come around.”
I left sharply and ran to my guy’s house in the complex
We had not even finished the turkey and the wine when we suddenly heard a car speeding off — with shouts, arguments, and begging.
Minutes later, Lucy was banging my door, screaming my name.
But what do I care? Someone needed to learn and luuuurrrnnn the hard way!
Osinachi Eunan
