03/07/2025
Another very serious question from the ongoing school.of ministry pregnant with solid lessons.
..posted with permission.
Question-
'Sir, my wife and I are in a situation in which one of my mentors told us to end a relationship with another minister who is a friend of ours ...my mentor threatened to end his relationship with me should I continue to relate with this friend of mine ...he specifically instructed me to cut all ties and never invite him to our ministry again...my wife and I are heartbroken about this because on one hand we honour our mentor and at the same time our relationship with our friend has been a great kingdom relationship.
When we asked our mentor why he refused to tell categorically why, but in hush tones, something about 'living in sin'
We confronted our friend about the matter , and he denied it... We got back to our mentor, who now claims he has proofs ...
We asked if he was willing to confront him so that we could bring all parties together...our mentor refused...
Before all these, we have invited both for our upcoming conference, and our mentor has said he would not attend for as long as our friend will be there
Sir,what do we do...my wife and I are depressed'
My answer-
Beloved,
Sadly,this situation is not new. I have faced something similar but slightly different, and many have faced this in life and ministry...
I will be scriptural and practical in answering this as a way of helping you and madam out of this painful situation
1. Honour is Kingdom Culture, but Control is Carnal Culture
“Not that we have dominion over your faith, but are helpers of your joy…” – 2 Corinthians 1:24
A true mentor helps your joy, not hijacking your judgment. A father in the Lord is not called to play the Holy Spirit in your life. His role is not to substitute your spiritual discernment but to sharpen it.
When someone says, "Cut off this friend or I cut you off,” they are not mentoring you—they are manipulating you. And when someone imposes silence instead of offering clarity, they are not protecting you—they are controlling you.
Honour is beautiful. But when it is built on fear, silence, threats, and blind loyalty—it stops being honour and becomes idolatry.
2. No One Deserves to Be Disfellowshipped by Whisper
“Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses.” – 1 Timothy 5:19
Your mentor claims someone is “living in sin,” yet refuses to:
Offer clarity or transparency
Confront the person
Submit to Matthew 18's redemptive process
This is what we must call it—character assassination in priestly robes.
When we tolerate whispers without witnesses, we allow rumours to replace righteousness.
The friend you confronted stood his ground. You went back to your mentor in humility. Yet all you received was, “I have proof”—but no justice, no process, no confrontation. That’s not how truth behaves. That’s how gossip hides.
3. Confrontation is Love, But Withholding Truth is Spiritual Cowardice
“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you…” – Matthew 18:15
If the sin is grievous and proven, the biblical path is confrontation and restoration—not cancellation.
But if a spiritual leader hides behind vague allusions, backs out of confrontation, and still expects you to act on suspicion—they are asking you to burn bridges without seeing the smoke.
The Lord taught us that anything done in darkness will eventually come to light. But here, your mentor is demanding you "cut ties" based on secrets he won't disclose and refuses to test in the light of the Word.
That is not righteousness. That is rank manipulation.
4. Your Platform Is Not a Playground for Personal Politics
Let’s talk about your conference. Both men were invited before this tension began. Now your mentor is using his invitation as leverage: "If he comes, I won’t."
This is not spiritual maturity. This is passive aggression with clerical polish.
Your pulpit is not a pressure point to test loyalties. Your conference is not a battlefield of egos. You are not to be trapped between two grown men who won’t face each other in love.
If either party is unwilling to walk in the light—then neither has earned the right to demand your silence, your stage, or your submission.
5. Your Depression Is Valid, But It Must Not Be Final
You and your wife are heartbroken. Of course you are. You’ve been thrown into a war of silence, suspicion, and forced decisions—with no clarity, no proof, and no pastoral care.
You’ve tried to honour both parties. You’ve tried to reconcile them. You’ve opened the door to process.
And yet, the one who claims to be the more “spiritual” of the two refuses to step into the light.
Let me say this with fire: you are not depressed because of disobedience—you are depressed because of distortion. This is not what biblical authority is meant to do.
6. What Should You Do? A Prophetic and Practical Way Out
Let’s now shift into counsel—not just for escape, but for elevation.
a. Honour Your Mentor, But Detach from Unrighteous Ultimatums
You don’t owe blind obedience. You owe honour, which includes truth, peace, and boundaries. If he insists on severing ties because you won’t execute his silent verdict, let him walk—but don’t let your calling crawl.
b. Revisit the Conversation with Your Friend With Firmness and Grace
Make it clear: “We’re not judging, but we need to walk in light.” If he maintains innocence and you have no evidence or witness to say otherwise, do not join the accuser’s bandwagon. Your loyalty is to truth, not whispers.
c. Postpone or Reconfigure the Conference Invitations
It’s painful but may be necessary. Make a firm but loving call: “Until this matter is resolved in light, we can not proceed with either of you on this platform.” That is leadership. That is integrity. You’re protecting your altar—not playing sides.
d. Seek Counsel from a Third Trusted, Neutral Father or Council
This is vital. Find someone with no emotional ties to either party. Let them listen and weigh in. Every David needs a Samuel in times like this.
e. Lean Into Prayer With Your Wife—And Prophesy Your Peace Back
Don’t just pray to survive this season—prophesy over it. You will come out wiser, stronger, and cleaner. You will be the kind of leader that others can trust—not because you’re flawless - but because you chose the light, not the shadows.
7. Final Counsel: Never Let Manipulation Mask Itself as Mentorship
This situation is not just about two men. It is about you and your wife discerning what kind of ministers you are becoming.
You’ve been tested by silence. You’ve been pressured by loyalty. You’ve been tossed between two voices.
But now, it’s time to rise.
Rise with clarity.
Rise with courage.
Rise with conviction.
What is ahead of you is too great to be reduced to spiritual hostage-taking.
Say This Out Loud:
> "I refuse to let whispers govern my wisdom.
I will walk in truth, not trembling.
I will honour my leaders without losing my voice.
I will build my ministry on light, not loyalty-based manipulation.
And I will rise from this moment with scars of clarity and anointing of justice.
I am not a pawn in anyone’s conflict. I am a son in God’s Kingdom."
With all boldness and brotherhood,
I affirm your pain. But I also affirm your posture.
You were not wrong for asking questions.
You were not wrong for seeking clarity.
And you are not wrong for refusing to execute judgment based on whispers.
You were tested. And you didn’t curse, scheme, or scatter.
You tried to reconcile. That’s noble.
Now, be bold enough to lead in light, even if others won’t walk in it.
This was not just about your friend or your mentor.
It was about your discernment.
And sir—you passed.
Now take your wife’s hand. Wipe your tears. And lead.
You are rising with your mantle intact.
Regards
DD