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caitruthlawrence, Wellington (2025)

15/12/2025

I’ll turn 30 in a few months but for a decade, I was 1000% certain I would not live to be 21. There was no hope for a future or desire to survive at all in me. I am only alive and well now because of all the people who worked so hard to save me:

- My family
- Friends who’ve come in and out
- police officers
- paramedics
- The teachers who looked out for me
- emergency doctors and surgeons
- All the fellow patients who showed me kindness, insight, and friendship
- the therapists who have helped me understand myself
- the online communities who’ve witnessed me and taught me so much
- the nurses, doctors, and OT’s at the adolescent ward, at mental health services, at day programs, at halfway houses, at the adult wards, at the eating disorder clinic, and at the private clinics

Ever since I was a child, all of these people, at different times, have given me almost boundless support and time as they have worked so hard with me to first get me help, then keep me alive, safe, and fed, then to help me heal and take back control, and now to pursue true emotional healing and as much health as my disabilities will allow.

It’s been a hell of a ride so far and I will never be able to adequately thank all these people but I can say that knowing this much effort was put into keeping me here, I must be worth something and if I am worth it, So Are You ❤️‍🩹

Video Description: 2 phases of montages, the first showing Cait in their teens struggling with life-threatening mental illness with a white text overlay saying “in your teens a lot of people will work hard to save your life…”, the second phase shows more recent photos and videos of Cait and their life in the years since recovering a lot of their mental health and become happy and functional. Phase 2 has a white text overlay that reads “…it’s important that you let them”.

12/12/2025

This post has come about because a few months ago, I performed at a relatively new theatre here in Papaioea where prior to the rehearsals and shows, we chased the access information and were told

“Yeah, we had a couple of other wheelchair users here a few weeks ago and they got in just fine!”

Only for me to show up to rehearse and find that there were two steps into the atrium, no ramp, no rails, and no accessible toilet. I was able to get in because support people with me were able to hoist me up the steps backwards and because I have an SPC catheter that I free drain into a bag so I could empty it into an ordinary toilet without having to roll right in and close the door.

This is very much DEFINITELY NOT the first time I’ve encountered this.

Venues, restaurants, stores, etc. will so often assume that if one wheelchair user has accessed their space then all wheelchair users will be able to but this is simply not the case. Accessibility requirements exist to start guiding managers on what is required for their space to truly be accessible to everyone but even those guidelines fall short when they’re actually followed.

All wheelchair users are different but all of us have the right to be able to independently access public spaces so no, just because one wheelchair user can access a space, that does not mean it is really accessible.

How many times have you run into this problem? What access needs do you find are frequently not accounted for? Let’s talk about it in the comments 👇🏻

Image Descriptions:
1. Yellow Slide with 6 colourful hand-illustrated characters representing various kinds of wheelchair users collaged in the bottom half of the slide. Black hand written text in a variety of fonts fills the top half of the slide which reads “Just because one wheelchair user can access a space, doesn’t mean all wheelchair users will be able to & if not all of can access it, it’s not truly accessible”
2. Orange slide with a colourful hand-illustrated character in a manual wheelchair with a bike power attachment. Black hand written text fills remaining space which reads “some wheelchair users have lightweight chairs with power assist attachments. If your access does not work for them, it's not accessible.”
3. Blue slide with a colourful hand illustrated character in a custom power wheelchair. Black hand written text fills remaining space which reads “some wheelchair users depend on heavy-duty custom powerchairs. if your access doesn't work for them, it's not accessible”
4. Lime green slide with two colourful hand illustrated characters — one in a custom manual wheelchair and one a support person who appears non disabled. Black hand written text fills remaining space which reads “some wheelchair users have a supporter with them. If your access only works for them, it's not accessible.”
5. Purple slide with a colourful hand illustrated character in a custom manual wheelchair. Black hand written text fills remaining space which reads “some wheelchair users have ultra lightweight custom wheelchairs they can self-propel. if your access only works for them, it's not accessible.”
6. Grass green slide with a colourful hand illustrated character in a hospital wheelchair. Black hand written text fills remaining space which reads “Some wheelchair users have bulky hospital chairs which are heavy and hard to propel. if your access does not work for them, it's not accessible.
7. Yellow slide with a colourful hand illustrated character standing with a crutch next to a custom manual wheelchair. Black hand written text fills remaining space which reads “some wheelchair users are able to stand or walk a little bit. if your access only works for them, it's not accessible.”
8. Dark peachy orange slide with a colourful hand illustrated plus size character in a custom power wheelchair. Black hand written text fills remaining space which reads “some wheelchair users have very wide wheelchairs unsuitable for narrow spaces. if your access doesn't work for them, it's not accessible.”
9. Hot pink slide with 3 colourful hand illustrated characters representing various kinds of wheelchair users. Black hand written text fills remaining space which reads “wheelchair users are all very different and if access doesnt work for all of us, it's not accessible.”
10. Yellow slide with photograph of Cait (white-passing, non binary, millennial, wheelchair user) with small black text that reads "Kia Ora! I'm Cait (they/them) With all my content I try to show the living & learning that comes from being a multiply disabled takatapui in Aoteroa New Zealand & foster safe community" 3 headings in white text bubbles read "" "follow" "subscribe" with socials icons for Instagram, Threads, TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube.

08/12/2025

In June 2019, over the course of a week, I became paralysed from the waist down due to FND. I did a few weeks of physio in the hospital but was discharged after 3 weeks without improvement.

Over the next 2 years I worked hard to try to access physiotherapy but between lacking funding and the pandemic, my options were extremely limited and I remained unable to use my lower half.

Then, in 2021, I hit the 2 year milestone, which with FND is largely believed to be the end of your window for recovering function. Since I was still completely paralysed with my EDS complicating any potential physio process, I was denied further therapy funding and told I should just get used to being in a wheelchair.

But then…
I moved.

A new city, a new physiotherapy department, and a different health board district, and suddenly I was eligible for more physio. I won the therapist lottery and have worked with her for almost 4 years since. We worked for a whole year to get me standing and then a further whole year to get me stepping but once we got that momentum going, the progress has been unstoppable.

We had no way of knowing if or how much progress I’d make, or if I’d relapse — we still don’t — but I have learned to just keep showing up and keeping sights on the hope of regaining function that would be useful in ways that a wheelchair never could be. That’s why reaching the point where I can do things like steps on my feet is so incredibly rewarding because it’s something that genuinely makes life easier for me and those supporting me.

If you have FND, no matter how long you’ve had symptoms, don’t ever let yourself or anyone else give up on your recovery.

Video Description: A clip of Cait (white-passing, non binary, millennial) walking across a driveway with a rollator and then up 3 entryway steps using the rail. They pose at the top and then laugh. In the top right corner, another clip, sped up, is overlaid of Cait transferring out of their wheelchair to the ground and shuffling up doorway steps and dragging their wheelchair up behind them before hauling their self back into it. White text in a handwritten script font overlays appear throughout the clips which read “how I got up steps 6 years ago versus how I get up steps now”, “the 4 years of physiotherapy is finally paying off”, “the function I have regained is useful at last”.

03/12/2025

I was ready to be part of an event out in the town square today with disability providers and organisations and local disabled whānau all coming together to have a fun day celebrating and learning about our community… but it’s been thunderstorms today so it was cancelled due to weather.

On my platforms, it’s kinda Disabled People’s Day every day, but I have enjoyed the celebrations of this day in particular becoming more widespread, elaborate, and collaborative. Because, I love this community more than I can say. Growing up an undiagnosed AuDHD kid, then mentally ill teenager, I always felt different in a bad way and that feeling did not begin to resolve until I learned that the sense of difference I was averted to was a disabled experience and identity that I wish I had been able to claim from the start.

The disabled community is my sanctuary of belonging and it truly is my biggest passion to keep contributing back into it in some sort of return for what it, what you, have done for me.

But while the community is a magical place and the people are usually awesome, a disabled life is still a hard one. We struggle to find housing, are forced into poverty yet still told we deserve less, fight the healthcare system endlessly, get into wars to attain and retain treatments and supports vital to survival, struggle to access quality education, are met with stigma and hostility, and so much more.

So as much as I love this day being a celebration of our people, I hope it’s also well used to protest the injustices in our every day, and to effectively consider ways to improve our lives.

Happy Disabled People’s Day!

Video Description:
Montage video showing dozens and dozens of clips of Cait (white-passing, non binary, millennial, wheelchair user) and various other people in their life, many disabled, showing all kinds of day to day experiences and novelties from life as a disabled person. The voiceover is captioned onscreen in overlays.

01/12/2025

I love playing with fashion.

Finding, thrifting, customising, sewing, and up-cycling clothing that feels like it expresses my creative, q***r, best self has been a core characteristic of mine since I was a child.

As my physical disabilities changed and progressed including gaining a really decent amount of weight and becoming a wheelchair user, among more, I have turned again to fashion to help me figure out who this version of me is and how I can remain myself going forward with a changing disability. I have latched onto the challenge of learning the right ways to dress this new kind of body and along the way have worked out so very many little tips and tricks for dressing as a mid-size wheelchair user.

It makes sense to share them.

They seem obvious to me now, but it took many years to discover them all and I know there’s people out there still trying to figure it out. I hope this helps — there will be more!

Image Descriptions:
1. A rainbow gradient background with four cut out photographs of Cait (white-passing, non-binary, millennial, wheelchair user) collaged over. White text overlays read “wheelchair fashion”, “tips and tricks”, “part I”.
2. Photograph of Cait perched on their wheelchair and holding a crutch in one hand in front of a large hedge. They are dressed in faded black cargo jeans, platform sneakers, a yellow and black print sleeveless button down over a white T-shirt with a chainmail necklace and a brown fedora hat. White text overlay reads “high waisted jeans for extra rise in the back for seated wear“.
3. Photograph of Cait in their wheelchair in a public park paved area. They are dressed in dark blue boyfriend jeans, red strappy heels, and a yellow T-shirt under a black and silver embroidered tank top with a multicoloured mask. White text overlay reads “block or wedge heels to aid feet staying on the footplate”.
4. Photograph with a retro film filter of Cait in their wheelchair at edge of a park. They are dressed in blue barrel jeans, an oversized white button down with a mustard necktie underneath a grey crocheted sweater with a red driver cap and chunky black sneakers. White text overlay reads “cropped jumpers and three-quarter sleeves sit best seated and avoid sleeves rubbing on tires“.
5. Photograph of Cait in their wheelchair in front of a black and grey mural wall. They are dressed and Blue boat cut jeans, an oversized white graphic T-shirt layered over a light mesh top and under a black linen vest with black and white sneakers, a black driver cap, mirrored sunglasses, and a green mask. White text overlay reads “jeans a size up for extra length and looser waistband while seated”.
6. Photograph of Cait standing leaning on a garden fence with a shrubbery arch next to their wheelchair. They are dressed in red and black patterned cotton dungarees over a black and white tie-dye mesh top. White text overlay reads “sleeveless dungarees allow for adjustment and movement for bulky wheelchair shoulders”.
7. Photograph of Cait in their wheelchair with a large bright orange wall behind them in a courtyard. They are dressed in bright green patterned flared leggings, a black graphic tshirt, and a cropped grey pinstripe blazer with black boots and a yellow mask. White text overlay reads “cropped jackets sit best while seated and rub less on tyres”.
8. Photograph of Cait in their wheelchair with a glass of champagne on a long porch of a house amongst forest. They are dressed in a lime yellow batwing loose blouse tucked into wide leg cropped pinstripe jeans with black pointed boots. White text overlay reads “batwing sleeves allow space and movement for bulky wheelchair shoulders”.
9. Photograph of Cait in their wheelchair in a garden courtyard as the autumn leaves are changing. They are dressed in a long layered crimson, gold, and blue silk skirt with an oversized dark grey graphic Tshirt and extra chunky blue and white high top sneakers. White text overlay reads “longer skirts falling below the knee avoid visibility beneath when seated”.
10. Photograph of Cait in their wheelchair in a traditional theatre with gold carved walls and patterned carpet. They are dressed in gold sequinned flared leggings, a gold button down with a golden yellow necktie, and black pointed boots. White text overlay reads “bedazzled leggings make more comfortable formalwear when seated”.
11. Photograph of Cait in their wheelchair in a garden courtyard leaning on a fence. They are dressed in light blue faded cargo jeans with many pockets down the legs, pink sneakers, and an oversized black graphic tshirt layered over rust-orange long sleeves. White text overlay reads “cargo jeans with leg pockets are pockets actually usable while seated”.
12. Yellow slide with photograph of Cait (white-passing, non binary, millennial, wheelchair user) with small black text that reads "Kia Ora! I'm Cait (they/them) With all my content I try to show the living & learning that comes from being a multiply disabled takatapui in Aoteroa New Zealand & foster safe community" 3 headings in white text bubbles read "" "follow" "subscribe" with socials icons for Instagram, Threads, TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube.

31/10/2025

This is about as much Halloween as I ever do. I’ll take the excuse to dress up and leave the rest. This year was a spider-themed look and I was surprised how well spidery poses work with a wheelchair.

Much scarier than any Halloween festivity is the bout of clinical depression I’ve fallen into again for the first time in years so I don’t know what my presence here will look like in the next while. Ye hath been warned 😜 Happy Halloween.

31/10/2025

This is about as much Halloween as I ever do. I’ll take the excuse to dress up and leave the rest. This year was a spider-themed look and I was surprised how well spidery poses work with a wheelchair.

Much scarier than any Halloween festivity is the bout of clinical depression I’ve fallen into again for the first time in years so I don’t know what my presence here will look like in the next while. Ye hath been warned 😜 Happy Halloween.

27/10/2025

AuDHD has caused this problem for me my whole life but truly embracing the use of AAC continues to immensely ease the pressure off these instances.

All through my childhood, when this happened, it was so scary and frustrating for me and those around me that it almost always led to a meltdown, stacking another brick on the wall of trauma that runs throughout my existence.

In my teenage years it got even worse because I had begun to use self harming behaviours to attempt to manage the fear, frustration, and overwhelm and eventually spent many years in psychiatric hospitals to attempt to keep me safe from myself. It did keep me alive long enough to be diagnosed with Autism and start learning ways to manage my experiences in ways that actually worked — for the first time — and using these AAC tools is one of the ways I’ve learned to work with my neurotype rather than against it. This makes all the difference.

Like many strategies that are actually effective for neurodivergence, it’s easy to feel conspicuous, and under the gaze of wider society, ashamed, but suppressing reality and rejecting methods that will help is not worth the harm it causes on a deeper level. Hopefully, the more we increase awareness and education about these tools, why they are used, and why there aren’t alternatives in many cases, the less secondary shame neurodivergent people will be made to feel for safely managing something we can’t control.

Do you use any forms of AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication)? Have you learned something new about it this awareness month?

Video Description:
Cait (white-passing, non binary, millennial) talks straight to camera from their bedroom with clips inserted demonstrating the forms of AAC they describe in the audio.

24/10/2025

The therapy always aims for walking, even though there is known likelihood I’ll never be able to do it unaided, but throughout the process, aiming for walking means smoothing out all kinds of wrinkles. While the problems of FND and EDS compound upon each other, the benefits of walking physio and the problem solving to make it possible, build on each other, countering the effects of both conditions.

This problem-solving beyond just walking looks like:
- bracing for my hypermobility
- learning tools for energy management
- building up fitness
- strengthening programmes
- identifying with precision which issues are caused by which disorder
- individualised ways to do physio that cause least pain flares and energy crashes

Hopefully, it’s easy to conceptualise how every single one of these has a benefit that marries with and reaches out beyond the gym and my ability to walk or not, throughout my life as a whole. I’ll probably always live with FND and will definitely always live with EDS, so disability is always going to be a part of my life but treatments like physio improve symptoms and management and make life safer, better, and longer. Yet somehow this is not reason enough for medical and political systems to practically endorse such treatments long-term in most cases.

Physiotherapy is an incredible field and the only proven treatment for Functional Movement Disorders. I believe it should be available to everyone with the diagnosis, especially while parallel systems refuse to provide the adaptive tools needed to live with the symptoms. Patients absolutely should have access to both but they currently mostly have access to neither. At the very least, if healthcare systems are not going to provide one, they absolutely should provide the other. Do you agree?

Video Description:
Montage video featuring dozens of clips and photographs of Cait (white-passing, non binary, millennial) throughout their journey with Functional Paralysis and relearning to walk. Throwbacks from 2019 show them at the time of their diagnosis. Throwbacks from 2022 show them at the very beginning of their therapy. Recent clips show them walking and standing, shakily but confidently, with a single crutch.

21/10/2025

Disability isn’t always a wheelchair.
It’s not always a cane.
It’s not always a prosthetic or an altered gait.
Often, disability sits below the surface, visible only to those who know where to look to see it peeking through.
Whether it’s a pallor of the skin, a portacath beneath a collar, a feeding tube quietly running from a backpack.
Whether it’s an epilepsy alert bracelet, bracing hiding under clothing, or a cane that could be managed to leave at home that day.

Disability is all around us all the time but we pin such shame and pity on those of us who cannot slip by unnoticed,
and we disproportionately celebrate those who so-called overcome it to pass as able,
that hidden disabilities retain an advantage for their hidden-ness.
But s**t, the blade has two edges.
When hidden disabilities need accommodating, support, acceptance, the subtlety becomes a thorn in the side.
You do not look like one of Them.
You look like me. You look like us.
Why would we offer the othering scorn of bitterly allowing your special needs?

But understand this: Disability is everywhere.
The spectrum stretching all the way from the coworkers who wear glasses, the autistic mothers, the mentally ill customers, and yes even the athlete with an injury who is temporarily disabled,
all the way through the primary school cancer patient, the deaf grad student, the brain damaged comedian,
and right on to the paralysed lawyer, the author who can’t toilet independently, and the advocate who is hoisted for wheelchair transfers.

The spectrum is stupendously vast and diverse and none of us are truly accepted and respected until all of us are.
Do not fear disability. It is natural, inevitable, changeable, and if you are lucky enough to live to see it, it comes for all of us.

Invisible disabilities have a place in this picture and a big one. There’s no value in questioning or accusing because it doesn’t look like what you think it should. The real value comes from acceptance, respect, proactive support, and the benefit of the doubt.

Understand it: Disability does not have a look. Be kind.

Image Descriptions: multiple compositions of brightly coloured hand illustrated characters, some with visible disabilities, some with invisible disabilities. Text on each slide reads: 1. We are all disabled… (composition of visibly disabled characters) 2. …and we are all disabled too (composition of invisibly disabled characters) 3. Disability doesn’t have a look (composition of all characters) 4. You can’t always see disability (mixed composition) 5. Not all disabilities are visible (different mixed composition)

caitruthlawrence

15/12/2025

12/12/2025

08/12/2025

03/12/2025

01/12/2025

31/10/2025

31/10/2025

27/10/2025

24/10/2025

21/10/2025

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