02/02/2025
👇TIPS‼️
Psychology and Relationships
HOW TO INFLUENCE ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH YOU"- A big mistake we make is that we think facts are powerful,’ psychologist says
Aditi Shrikant
When puzzling together an argument, whether it be against a romantic partner, co-worker, or family member, I find myself thinking “What are some objective facts that they absolutely can’t deny?” I figure that if I just deploy the right pieces of information, others will have no choice but to agree with me.
This, it turns out, is one of the most common myths about influencing or persuading people, says Kurt Gray, a social psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill.
“A big mistake we make is that we think facts are powerful and that they sway people,” Gray, who recently authored the book “Outraged: Why We Fight About Morality and Politics and How to Find Common Ground,” tells CNBC Make It.
Even when people are aware of research findings and studies that support one claim, they choose not to believe it, according to a 2018 report published in the Journal of Management.
“You say your facts to the other person and then they say, ‘Well those aren’t right. Those aren’t true. Those are made up,’” he says. “Because we live in different media ecosystems about what facts are true, facts don’t have the same kind of currency that they might’ve had before.”
So how can we actually influence someone who disagrees with us? It starts by seeing them as not so different from us.
“We are all just trying to protect ourselves and our family and our kids and our society,” he says. “But we’re just fixated on different harms.”
‘Establishing a connection with someone’ goes a long way
To bridge divides over the course of a conversation, you need to actually try to understand the other person’s fears.
“So often we go into these conversations and it’s not a conversation,” Gray says. “It’s a chance to score points or try to make the other person look stupid. A real conversation is something where you ask questions.”
Gray recommends taking three steps to have better conversations with a person you disagree with:
Try to understand their motivation: Ask questions and express genuine curiosity as to how they came to their conclusion.
Validate that motivation: Even if you don’t agree with their point, you can affirm that you understand how they got there.
Emphasize your personal connection: Instead of peppering them with facts, be vulnerable and tell them why you disagree with them on a personal level.
Others are more likely to find some merit in your argument if you share a personal anecdote, as opposed to some statistics, to show why you stand where you do.
“Establishing a connection with someone, seeing them as a fellow human being, I think it goes a long way,” Gray says.
Both of you will leave feeling better and more respected if you at least make an attempt to understand each other.
“My number one tip is if you go into these conversations trying to win you’ve already lost, because no one ever admits defeat when it comes to morality,” he says.
“Instead, you can try to understand.”
Published in CNBC.COM
