20/06/2024
This pain is so unfamiliar no matter how many times you've come across someone else going through it. You never truly know what they feel until you go through it yourself. The truth is you tell them "I can't even imagine losing my brother or sister, I'd die if that ever happened to me." The truth is a part of you does feel like it died with them. But you're very much alive every single day there after without them. It's so much simpler when someone dies from illness. But to lose your loved one because of the abusive person they loved is unimaginable. Never really knowing the truth. Until you learn the darkness that filled that facade of love. You go back back to all of their pictures and videos and truly now see the real pain they were in. Masked by smiles and words of hope. Their soul screaming for help. But you don't really know. I lost my baby at the tender age of 25. But I really lost him at the very young age of 19 when we let that man he brought to us as his partner into our lives. Thinking we'd lose them for speaking up. But fast forwarding. We lost him in all the ways possible now. Left with the I should'ves, could'ves, would'ves. All I know is shame on those friends who watched him suffer. Shame on those friends who knew he was being abused. Shame on that man for not being a man and taking care of his very own adult self. Taking care of his own drug fueled habits. Shame on you for being an abuser. A manipulator. A user. A drug fueled abusive drunk.
I lost my brother to a user/abuser. No! I'm not okay. I won't pretend to be okay. Because I'm not okay. It's not okay.
