07/08/2025
“i fell first, but he never fell.” such small amount of words, yet it felt like a thousand of daggers that stabbed my heart, it haunts me like a ghost.
if only.. if only he loves me the way i do— the way i find him immediately in the midst of the crowds. the way my heart pumps like crazy when he’s near. the way my body would shiver when we were only inches apart. the way i melt like an ice cream after seeing him smile.
the way i noticed everything about him.
i dived first into the depth of my emotions, explored the universe and desperately tried to find clues that maybe—just maybe you felt the same, only to find myself floating into the waters of unrequited love.
how painful it is to love someone who doesn’t feel the same way. how painful it is to see him with someone i never know as i watch them, walking away.
and there, it stabbed my heart.
maybe the thing that i regretted doing the most is how i opened my mouth and told you that i like you, i looked into your eyes— looking for a reflection of the same sparkle that ignited in my eyes, but i only found calm waters, a gaze that's colder than ice like as if i said something so foolish and made myself look like an idiot.
and there, from the very beginning, i knew that his expression was the answer.
no words.
no reaction.
just pure silent.
the only sounds i could hear across the room were footsteps, the ticking of time, and the fast beats that daggered in my heart.
i crumbled weakly between the heavy weight of my feelings—while he, stood firm and strong. i wondered if he ever notices the cracks on me, how my smile falters when he doesn't even drop a glance on me.
well maybe he did, he just chose to ignore it since it wasn't that important anyways. i don't even know how i caught feelings for such an emotionless man, but i was a moth captivated by the bright burning flame around his presence as i circle around it and admire it— even if i know i might get burned.
it hurts, like rubbing salt on a fresh wound. i fell, weak and vulnerable while he— stood straight, unfazed and unchanged.
i regretted this happened.
i regretted saying those three words that could possibly ruin our friendship— and it did.
after i said those three words, i fell apart. our bond, our closeness, our friendship— all gone in just a snap of a finger. i can’t rise and stand still at him anymore— i was ashamed; a loser. a loser that fell in love with his best friend.
if only i could bring back the time, i would have never done that. because here i am now, watching him from afar. not a single “hi” can change everything, and it’s all my fault.
apparently, he can still look at me; but without the lovely smile he has anymore. there’s nothing warm like sunshine, and his eyes shows no mercy; like he can kill me anytime if i didn’t look away.
that’s the routine everytime i go to school, and it haunts me. he is the ghost, and i am afraid of him.
he can look at me and shift his gaze away immediately, like i am someone he never knew. like i am someone he never met.
like a stranger.
this is the consequences of my actions.
because not just i did lose a friend, but also a person that i deeply love and care about.
it aches my heart, because from the very beginning, i knew that our heart beat as one, but on different rhythms.
