The Manila News-Intelligencer (2025)

05/06/2025

Philippines and U.S. Conduct Joint Drills: Locals Mistake War Games for Beach Party
A deep dive into banana boats, missile envy, and karaoke diplomacy

Bohiney Insight into Joint Military Confusion

Filipino vendors sold halo-halo to U.S. Marines thinking it was a “local hydration ritual.”

Children on the beach asked if the amphibious tanks were “floaties for foreigners.”

Karaoke machines outnumbered rifles 3-to-1.

American soldiers confused by locals yelling “Tara! Beach na tayo!” mid-landing operation.

Locals mistook drone surveillance for new mobile signal boosters.

U.S. Navy distributed rations; Filipinos politely declined, saying, “May adobo kami, salamat.”

A barangay captain tried to book the missile destroyer for a wedding reception.

One old fisherman kept referring to the Navy SEALs as “new PNP trainees with sunburn.”

Exercise name “Balikatan” was misheard as “Balik-Tan” (Return to Tanning).

Philippines and U.S. Conduct Joint Drills: Locals Mistake War Games for Beach Party A deep dive into banana boats, missile envy, and karaoke diplomacy B

05/06/2025

Manny Pacquiao Returns to Boxing Ring After Senate Loss: Plans to Punch His Way Back into Politics
— Satirical Journalism from the Ringside of Filipino Democracy

Insight into Political Comebacks, Pacquiao-Style

Losing a Senate race? Just declare rematch in both Congress and the MGM Grand.

Pacquiao’s new slogan: “If you can't vote for me, duck.”

Campaign rallies now feature speed bags and communion wafers.

New political party: People’s Uppercut Coalition.

His platform has three pillars: Faith, Fists, and Footwork.

He gave a TED Talk titled “My Left Hook is Stronger Than My Fiscal Policy.”

Instead of kissing babies, he shadowboxed toddlers.

Senate debates replaced with weigh-ins and glove touches.

Campaign ad ends with him saying, “This time, the opponent is... poverty—and also Trillanes.”

He promised to knock out inflation in six rounds or less.

Manny Pacquiao Returns to Boxing Ring After Senate Loss: Plans to Punch His Way Back into Politics — Satirical Journalism from the Ringside of Filipino Democ

02/06/2025

Sara Duterte’s Impeachment Trial Delayed Again: Senate Cites “Netflix Binge-Watching” as Primary Reason
By the staff of bohiney.comPhilippines' most trusted source for exaggerated nonsense and journalistic absurdity since last week.

Opening Arguments Replaced with Streaming Recommendations
In what legal scholars are now calling “The Netflix Doctrine,” the Philippine Senate delayed Sara Duterte’s impeachment trial yet again this week. Their stated reason? “Too many shows, not enough time,” as declared by Senate President Tito Topacio, who emerged from committee chambers wearing pajama pants, carrying a half-eaten box of Krispy Kreme, and humming the Bridgerton theme.
“Legislative stamina has limits,” Topacio told reporters. “You try balancing committee work with Queen Charlotte, Korean zombie schoolgirls, and Wednesday.

Sara Duterte’s Impeachment Trial Delayed Again: Senate Cites “Netflix Binge-Watching” as Primary Reason By the staff of bohiney.comPhilippines' most trus

02/06/2025

Valenzuela Police Chief Arrests Woman Selling Fake IDs; Discovers His Own Was Among Them
By the satirical sleuths of bohiney.com
Truth isn’t just stranger than fiction—it’s got a laminated barcode and a bad Photoshop job.

Operation “Project Identity Crisis” Derails at Step One
VALENZUELA CITY — What began as a routine crackdown on counterfeit government IDs took a bizarre, mirror-smashing turn when Police Chief Rolando “Lando” Magsumbol arrested a woman selling fake credentials—only to find his own ID among the fakes.
“It was my picture, my name, my birthday—but I don’t have that much hair anymore,” Chief Magsumbol told reporters while nervously stroking his very bald scalp. “The ID was from 2008. I hadn’t even made inspector yet. And I never wore a turtleneck in my life!”

Bohiney Insight into Bureaucratic Bungling
Authorities stormed a stall near Valenzuela’s M.H.

Valenzuela Police Chief Arrests Woman Selling Fake IDs; Discovers His Own Was Among Them By the satirical sleuths of bohiney.com Truth isn’t just stranger t

02/06/2025

MMDA Introduces 20 New EDSA Rerouting Schemes; Motorists Now Required to Use Waze, Compass, and Tarot Cards
By the Transportation Mediums of bohiney.comGuiding lost souls through Manila traffic since the dawn of congestion.

EDSA: The Bermuda Triangle of Southeast Asia
The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) has introduced 20 new rerouting schemes to manage the chaos along EDSA, with officials now recommending that drivers supplement their navigation with a compass, tarot cards, and a “deep belief in reincarnation.”
MMDA Chairman Atty. Donato “Don’t Ask” Menor explained:

“We believe navigation should be more intuitive. If the road can’t be understood by logic, maybe it can be understood by the stars.”

Bohiney Insight into Traffic Mysticism
Our investigative team attempted to drive from Cubao to Makati—a journey traditionally lasting between 25 minutes and three human lifetimes.

MMDA Introduces 20 New EDSA Rerouting Schemes; Motorists Now Required to Use Waze, Compass, and Tarot Cards By the Transportation Mediums of bohiney.comGuiding

02/06/2025

Vice President's Security Men Face Court Martial; Claim They Were Just Following "Hide and Seek" Protocols
By the Disciplinary Jokers at bohiney.com
Uncovering the blind spots of democracy, one invisibility cloak at a time.

Operation Walang Bantay: The Disappearing Detail Debacle
Vice President's Security Men Face Court Martial - In a twist that has left the nation both laughing and locking their doors, the Vice President’s security detail—Task Force Shadow Shield—has been placed under court martial for allegedly going AWOL during a scheduled public event.
Their defense? “We weren’t missing, we were just exceptionally hidden.”
Lead security officer SPO4 Romy “Hollowman” Delos Santos insisted,

“It was an advanced protective protocol.

Vice President's Security Men Face Court Martial; Claim They Were Just Following "Hide and Seek" Protocols By the Disciplinary Jokers at bohiney.com Uncoverin

02/06/2025

KoJC Compound Revealed as Maze of Secret Passages; Authorities Suspect It's an Escape Room Gone Wrong
By the Spiritually Confused Correspondents at bohiney.comWhere prophecy meets parody in an air-conditioned bunker beneath Davao.

The Discovery: A Megachurch or a Giant IKEA?
In what began as a standard raid and ended in a theological obstacle course, authorities investigating the Kingdom of Jesus Christ (KoJC) compound in Davao discovered that the sprawling property was laced with a maze of secret passages, trap doors, and mysteriously labeled snack rooms.

“At first we thought we were chasing fugitives,” said Task Force Lead Captain Ramon Agaton. “Turns out, we were participating in the Southeast Asian semifinals of Escape Room: Apocalypse Edition.”

One officer reported being lost for six hours in a hallway labeled “Path to Salvation, Take a Left at the Laundry Room.”

Bohiney Insight: Holy Infrastructure, Batman!

KoJC Compound Revealed as Maze of Secret Passages; Authorities Suspect It's an Escape Room Gone Wrong By the Spiritually Confused Correspondents at bohiney.com

02/06/2025

Dela Rosa Claims Security Detail Pulled; Now Relies on “Guard Dog” Named “Barky” for Protection
By the Canine Correspondents of bohiney.com
We sniff out the truth, mark our territory on the facts, and occasionally chase cars.

National Security Goes to the Dogs
Senator Ronald “Bato” Dela Rosa, known for his bulletproof demeanor and delicate lace of macho absurdity, announced on Monday that his official security detail has been “pulled without explanation,” forcing him to hire a personal guard dog named “Barky,” a 5-year-old aspin with trust issues and a biting record.

“I don’t need fancy PSG,” said Bato. “This dog knows kung sinong kaaway.

Dela Rosa Claims Security Detail Pulled; Now Relies on “Guard Dog” Named “Barky” for Protection By the Canine Correspondents of bohiney.com We sniff o

02/06/2025

Manila Declares August 4 as Carlos Yulo Day; Citizens Required to Perform Backflips in Celebration
By the Tumbling Typists at bohiney.com
We don’t just cover news—we somersault into it.

One Small Flip for Man, One Giant Leap for Barangay Regulations
Carlos Yulo Day - In a bold move to inspire national pride—and possibly thin the population—Mayor Honey Lacuna has declared August 4 as Carlos Yulo Day, a newly minted city-wide holiday honoring the world-class Filipino gymnast. The twist? Every citizen will be required to attempt a backflip.

“It’s about unity, athleticism, and really funny fail videos,” said the mayor, standing atop a pommel horse during the press conference.

Manila Declares August 4 as Carlos Yulo Day; Citizens Required to Perform Backflips in Celebration By the Tumbling Typists at bohiney.com We don’t just cove

02/06/2025

MMDA Reports Fewer Traffic Violations with NCAP; Drivers Now Offending 'Emotionally' Instead
By the Sentiment Analysts of bohiney.com
Because in Metro Manila, the traffic doesn’t just stop your car—it breaks your spirit.

Welcome to the New Traffic Era: Surveillance with Feelings
Fewer Traffic Violations with NCAP -- The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) announced that with the expanded implementation of the No Contact Apprehension Program (NCAP), actual traffic violations have gone down, but a new wave of emotional violations has emerged.

“Yes, drivers are technically following the rules now,” said MMDA Chairman Danton Camatayo.

MMDA Reports Fewer Traffic Violations with NCAP; Drivers Now Offending 'Emotionally' Instead By the Sentiment Analysts of bohiney.comBecause in Metro Manila, t

01/04/2025

Miss Universe Victoria Kjær Theilvig: Denmark's Viking Queen Invades the Philippines With Couture and Sinigang
The Bikini Viking Has Landed
It started like all global invasions do—with a press release and an awkward photo op at an airport. Miss Universe 2024, Victoria Kjær Theilvig, has reportedly given the Philippines "all it can handle," which according to our sources includes fashion statements, charitable grace, accidental diplomacy, and a growing trail of confused customs officers who didn’t know whether to frisk her or ask for selfies.

From her days in tiny Søborg to being crowned Queen of the Known Universe, Victoria has scaled the pageant world like a shieldmaiden on a Chanel-sponsored longship. If you thought Thor was the only Norse export causing chaos, you haven’t seen Victoria in an infinity-pearl crown trying to order halo-halo without breaking her cheekbones from the wind machine.

Miss Universe Victoria Kjær Theilvig: Denmark's Viking Queen Invades the Philippines With Couture and Sinigang The Bikini Viking Has Landed It started like a

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