03/02/2023
No, but eventually yes
I didn’t feel myself with the shame and guilt from s**t I did as a minor in a crisis. I didn’t feel myself when I was second guessing every interaction, online and in person. Didn’t feel like I could approach anyone and had a sense of impending doom. Still struggling with some parts but reasons to push forward keep on coming.
I feel more in touch with myself because fear doesn’t have as much of a hold on me anymore. What lead me down the rabbit hole was fear. Fear for my reputation, future, and even my own life at one point. It made me avoid important conversations that could’ve changed the flow of events.
My only fear at this point is truly letting the friends I’ve made in this community down (or even dragging them with me). Even after everything, they still have me in their plans and want to bring out the best in me. They’re good people and influences despite what some would want to believe.
I feel myself when I can say that I’m not hiding anymore. I feel myself when I know I’m not the same person anymore. I feel myself when my friends truly have my back. I feel myself when I can still, despite everything, make people smile.
At the end of the day, all I can really do is keep walking the right path. Whether or not people want to forgive, forget, or forsake is up to them.
Just know that I’m better. Just know that I can do more. Just watch me.