19/10/2022
The invisible sentinel: how to define and reinforce personal boundaries
Personal boundaries are a kind of conditional feature that separates our “I” from the outside world. They determine how our relationships develop with relatives, friends, colleagues and even strangers. Although there is a lot of talk about borders, we often do not understand where they are and why they are regularly violated. How can they be identified and strengthened?
Everyone should have boundaries. However, not everyone manages to establish them - mainly because we do not quite understand where they begin, especially if we grew up in a family where they were neglected. In this case, it is difficult for us to defend our opinion and say “no” or to realize our right to respect and privacy. When we are offended, we have to put up with it, because we are embarrassed to ask for what we need or want.
What are borders? In short, this is how we allow ourselves to be treated. They show others what kind of relationship we expect, how it is possible and impossible with us, separate us from other people - not only physically, but also emotionally. Boundaries delineate personal space and protect the right to privacy, one's own feelings, thoughts, needs and desires. They allow us to be ourselves, and not someone else's extension or who they want us to be.
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Quiz: Are you good at maintaining personal boundaries?
BORDERS ARE A DECLARATION OF OUR RIGHTS
People who were not respected and praised in childhood do not fully understand their rights. They put other people's interests before their own, prefer to keep their needs and desires quiet, and sacrifice their own values because they are used to considering themselves inferior to others.
Personal boundaries are...
the right to respect and kindness,
the right to say "no"
the right to change one's point of view,
right to security
the right to own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs,
the right to rest
the right to privacy,
the right to pleasure and happiness.
To establish personal boundaries, it is necessary to be aware of our rights, because if we do not believe that we have the right to respect and independence, then we will not be able to defend it in a relationship.
BORDER TYPES
Before you try to find the weak points of your boundaries, you need to understand what they are.
Physical
Protect our body and personal space, that is, the right to keep our distance, protect our interests and satisfy vital needs such as sleep and food.
When a friend comes up to you with the intention of hugging you, you can reach out your hand and say in the most friendly way possible: “I don't really like to hug. A handshake is much better."
"Please don't take my things without asking."
“My son is allergic to milk. Here, in the package, is what he can have a bite to eat while he is visiting you. Please don't give him anything else."
emotional
Defend our right to emotions, prevent others from ridiculing and devaluing what we feel, and to treat us as they please.
“I am ashamed and unpleasant when you yell at me in front of colleagues. If you are not satisfied with my work, let's discuss it face to face.
“This is too painful a topic. Let's not discuss it."
“Mom, I ask you not to complain to me about dad. I feel stupid".
"Don't take your anger out on me."
Financial and material
Protect our financial resources and property, the right to manage money as we see fit, not to spend, give or borrow money and valuables when we do not want to, and the right to receive an agreed wage for our work.
"I'm sorry, but I can't lend you money to fix your car."
s*xy
Protect our right to agree or disagree with s*x, talk about our s*xual preferences and know about our partner's s*xual experience.
"I do not like it this way. Much nicer when you…”
Temporary
Protect our time. We have the right not to do what we don’t want to, not to let people dump their worries on us and not recycle.
“Evening is the only time I can be with my family. Tomorrow morning, the first thing I will do is work correspondence.
“Thank you for not forgetting. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to come to Alex’s birthday.”
