Love Life And Illusions

09/07/2026

To live
By: Brandy Nicole Bowman
September 5, 2026

It’s the stuff that dreams are made of,
The stuff that helps you see
That life is ever-changing,
And trust, it isn’t free.

It’s the moments filled full of laughter,
It’s a hand reached when you're so afraid.
It’s the kiss that still takes your breath away
After life broke you with every choice you made.

It’s caring enough to really listen,
It’s the want to understand and know.
It’s the courage to just stand still
When you find a place that helps you grow.

It’s the voice that keeps you safe and steady,
It’s the knowing that you're not alone.
It’s the steady presence that pushes you forward
When you thought all hope was truly gone.

It’s arms that make you long for more,
It’s taking the step you never meant to take,
But realizing once you did
There was never a choice to make.

09/05/2026

A Hallway Through BPD and Me

How can I explain
when there are no words?

It's not possible.

The way a room can collapse into my head.
The oxygen leaves,
or is it my spirit?

And I'm left within the aftermath of me.

I am the rubble,
the chaos,
and the body in the middle
of my own heart's destruction,

just trying to understand me.

How can a place become a feeling
and the feeling become my existence?

Time becomes an illusion,
along with every truth I thought I knew.

And I disappear into the darkness
and lose myself to the beauty...

How can I let one in
into the place from which I run?

Into the confusion and the cruelty.
Into the depth and the delusion.

Into the fire that burns me inside out,

but somehow,

I simply burn alive.

Pain...

or is that pleasure?

Is there really any difference?

Love and fear,

they are the high that brings me
to where I stand.

And yet I stand where everything I want
whispers softly to me.

The breath with which it speaks
fills my lungs with sand.

The weight of dreams.

The harsh reminder

that words won't change
the way they see me.

Empathy nor compassion
can encompass

the f**ked-up things

that made me,

me.

And somewhere between the diagnosis
and the damage,

between what happened to me
and who I became because of it,

there is a hallway.

I have spent years walking through it,

touching walls I didn't build,
opening doors I was never meant to survive behind,
trying to separate the illness from the woman.

Trying to understand

where BPD ends

and I begin.

But maybe that isn't the question.

Maybe I am not supposed to find the place
where one stops

and the other starts.

Maybe healing isn't escaping the hallway.

Maybe it is learning

that even here,

within the confusion,
the cruelty,
the fire,
the beauty,

and the aftermath of me...

I am still here.

Not just BPD.

Not just trauma.

Not just the f**ked-up things
that made me.

I am the one

still walking.

Still searching.

Still burning.

Still becoming.

Me.

By Brandy Nicole Bowman
September 5, 2026

08/17/2026

The Rest of Me

By Brandy Nicole Bowman
July 10, 2026

The fairy tale will not unfold
The stars were wished away
And I’ve too many broken parts
To be able to say

I can’t try to cage the best of me
The worst hides in a shell
And the parts of me that just come free
Are how I survived inside that hell

Now it’s just a jumbled mess
That takes me for a spin
Round and round inside the place
And I don’t know how to win

I try so hard to trust myself
Something or someone
But lines are blurred and I’m so scared
So life stopped being fun

Everything I feel is just too much
Or I cannot feel at all
And I push myself right off the cliff
No matter how high the fall

The war that consumes my thoughts
The girl that can’t break free
The woman that I once did love
Lost in the rest that equals me

07/28/2026

Time is a funny thing....

Two of One!! Always!!!

Two Sides
By: Brandy Bowman and Andrew Dobbins

Wow !!!

07/11/2026

Caught
By: Brandy Nicole Bowman
July 4, 2026

I need to fix what can’t be fixed;
It threatens to swallow me alive.
But I can’t keep numbing what I cannot face,
Or else my spirit won’t survive.

I write this now to clear my head;
More questions come with every thought.
The answers still hurt my heart,
And that’s where I get caught.

I need to face the fears I know,
The unknown truths that cut too deep.
But every time I seem to hit a wall,
Why is self-love so hard to keep?

07/10/2026

The Cost of Believing

By Brandy Nicole Bowman

July 10, 2026

They say it’s like a moth to a flame,
A feeling you just can’t deny.
You know how badly it’s going to hurt;
You go for more but don’t know why.

I’ve allowed myself to feel the burn,
But it’s more than flesh that I desire.
I need someone to light up my darkest points
And sit with me inside the fire.

If only I could breathe in deeply
And gather every part of myself within,
Be protected from the outside world,
And love like I’d never hurt again.

A hopeless romantic, by my own admission—
The result of being taught to believe
In dragons, magic, and fairy-tale endings,
Not that love would break me to the extreme.

07/10/2026

Locked Doors and Bared Windows

By Brandy Nicole Bowman

July 2, 2026

Please tell me if you have the words
For what I just can’t seem to say.
Time after time, I seem to do it wrong,
And now there is no way

To take these thoughts inside of here
And voice them once again.
Well, I don’t know that I can take
Closed doors yet again.

I used to think that words were simple.
I understand now it’s not the case.
Actions mix in, and I begin to realize
So many times, truths were there in a face.

A face that I thought the best of,
A face that I thought would never lie,
A face that you never truly show,
A face that made me want to try.

To try and change things for the better,
To try and fit where I wanted to be,
To try and trust myself to know the difference,
To keep us from the mess inside of me.

I don’t think I ever found the right ones.
I don’t think I know how to explain.
I try right now, and I just get jumbled,
So my actions make me feel insane.

Been trying to express myself
And the reasons for my actions,
But it seems to fall into the place
I separate myself into factions.

I know you just don’t understand
This madness that I fight.
You can’t crawl inside this skin
To feel or see it from my sight.

You can try to turn the tables,
But I know you’ll never see
How complex it is inside my head
When my heart just won’t agree.

I see two sides of everything.
There are layers, walls, and doors,
And while I may know just where I stand,
All of a sudden, there’s no floor.

I’m in an endless maze
Of broken mirrors all throughout,
Searching for the clearest image
I myself can’t figure out.

Trusting your words has brought me confusion.
I bring the confusion when I try to say,
Scared of my own self and scared of my reason,
Scared to try, too scared to push you away.

07/05/2026

Chasing the Moon
By: Brandy Nicole Bowman
July 5, 2026

The nights I remember from back then
Bring thoughts of a chapter
In a book every lifetime should know.

I’m trapped here tonight in nostalgia.
Man, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Fast cars, a few drinks, and close friendships
That remain as we are still today.
You can spread us apart, but no matter—
Those memories are ones I would never trade.

Chasing the moon till the sun came to take over,
Days in a warmth only innocence knew.
Still young enough to have freedom in our spirit,
Yet wild enough not to think it all through.

07/04/2026

Cotton Candy Sky
By Brandy Nicole Bowman
July 4, 2026

I know at some point it must have been easy,
Back when things appeared to be what they seemed,
Before all the harsh lines called confusion,
And you could find a way to agree to disagree.

I think back to sweet childhood moments,
And being taught that you should chase the sky.
It was filled with cotton candy sky,
And a dream that would one day come to life.

Singing songs ’round the fire as a family,
Hide and seek till they made you come in.
Today’s world doesn’t have a moment not moving,
And the summer ends before it begins.

I remember my grandmother’s laughter.
She was a soul that had faith in the Word,
And she knew love would always be the answer.
Her anger was not something ever heard.

The things that she taught run deep through my existence.
I wish the world was the same place as back then,
And I know I can’t let it completely break me
As I pick up and dust off once again.

07/04/2026

A Glimpse Inside
By Brandy Nicole Bowman
July 2, 2026

I will not ask you to forgive
The complexity that I’ve become,
The layers that compile who I am,
Facing things instead of being numb.

I know I do not fit inside
A box, a map, a norm,
And I’m not easy to predict,
Like a simple summer storm.

Life did with me what it did,
And I stopped asking why,
But understand that the past
Left me with scars I cannot hide.

But I can’t be scared to show my skin.
If you care, then you should know,
My vulnerability then becomes my strength
If I’m not scared to let it show.

So take the words that I speak,
And make sure they’re understood.
Don’t add in between the lines;
That never goes real good.

How can you be upset at what
You don’t care to clarify?
Communication may be smart,
Instead of making up your own version of why.

Not everyone thinks just like you.
We all perceive from where we’ve been.
I gave you a chance to glimpse inside,
You chose to not look in.