The Crouton

The Crouton We are Georgia Tech's most legitimate source of fake news. The Crouton was created in January of 2017 by a few liberal arts students with way too much time on their hands (because they're, you know, liberal arts).
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The idea was to find a productive way to be salty about basically everything on campus. Upon failing to do that, they decided to create a snarky website instead: thus, The Crouton was born! The founders invited a few equally salty friends to join them in the least thorough hiring process ever. This group reflects a variety of majors and years, but they all share the cynicism and jaded attitude of a third year who thinks drinking craft beers at tailgates makes him more sophisticated. If you're interested in joining this ragtag bunch of ferret-racing enthusiasts (the best underground animal sport there is), shoot an email with your name, major, year, and a pitch for a story to [email protected]. We will be sure to get back to you in 3-5 business days.

Operating as usual

We would like to apologize to all our loyal fans and readers over the couple years we were active for our prolonged hiat...
07/03/2020
BREAKING: GT/USG Leaked Emails — The Crouton

We would like to apologize to all our loyal fans and readers over the couple years we were active for our prolonged hiatus -- following much of our writing staff’s graduations, we went to work for the White House Press Office to actually get paid to write fake news. However, we were all fired a week ago for suggesting we order Chinese food for lunch. While we procrastinate applying for new jobs, we wanted to take a moment to report on one of the more pressing issues happening on campus.

thecroutongt.com/blog/2020/7/2/breaking-gtusg-leaked-emails

Georgia Tech's most legitimate source for fake news.

UGA Hoping to Pick Up A Couple More 5-Star Arrests Before the Season Starts
04/17/2019
UGA Hoping to Pick Up A Couple More 5-Star Arrests Before the Season Starts

UGA Hoping to Pick Up A Couple More 5-Star Arrests Before the Season Starts

ATHENS - Stating that he wants his program to compete with the likes of Alabama and Miami, UGA Coach Kirby Smart told the press that he would ideally like to rack up two or three more 5-star arrests before the season starts. Georgia has already gotten off to a hot start, with two 3-star recruits,

#FreeTheGalaxyNipple
04/10/2019
Picture of Galaxy Nipple Censored by Facebook

#FreeTheGalaxyNipple

SAN FRANCISCO - Following a hurried meeting between Facebook’s moderators, it was announced early on Wednesday morning that the first ever picture of a black hole released by a consortium of scientists violates Facebook and Instagram’s nudity policies. Due to that fact that in Mark Zuckerberg’...

You can expect more hard-hitting political news stories now that The Crouton has officially hired former DHS Secretary K...
04/09/2019
Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test to Prove She's Not Hillary Clinton

You can expect more hard-hitting political news stories now that The Crouton has officially hired former DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen as our political correspondent. We're confident that she'll be unable to destroy families and cage children while on our nonexistent payroll.

Washington DC - Senator Elizabeth Warren released a DNA on Monday in response to months of speculation that she was actually former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton wearing a lifelike flesh suit of the Massachusetts senator. Warren tweeted, “This will finally put to rest the suspicions that my a...

We're finally back with the hard-hitting journalism that our hundreds of thousands of readers have come to expect.
04/02/2019
Admissions Scandal Latest: Lettuce Club Given $50 to Get Student Waitlisted

We're finally back with the hard-hitting journalism that our hundreds of thousands of readers have come to expect.

It was only a matter of time before the college admissions scandal unearthed something at Georgia Tech. At 2:15 PM, the news broke that an FBI operation had uncovered yet another scandal, this time from within one of Tech’s most prestigious institutions: Lettuce Club. Months of compiled texts, ema

It's been a little while, but our staff is back from Space Force training school (all but one of our members failed spec...
02/05/2019
Mac's liquor store welcomes new class of Tech alums whose startups are totally about to take off

It's been a little while, but our staff is back from Space Force training school (all but one of our members failed spectacularly and was dishonorably discharged) and is writing again.

As another round of hiring comes to a close, Mac’s Beer & Wine, one of Georgia Tech’s greatest institutions, looks forward to welcoming another class of would-be entrepreneurs whose start-ups are, like, literally about to take off. Jerry Grandell, CEO of Catergy, spoke to The Crouton whil

I think we can hazard a guess....
01/10/2019
Tucker Carlson Unsure Why He In Middle Of 20-Minute Rant Against Croutons

I think we can hazard a guess....

NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread” made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These...

Find out how Bud Peterson is planning to make 2019 his best year yet!!
01/02/2019
Bud Peterson's New Year’s Resolutions

Find out how Bud Peterson is planning to make 2019 his best year yet!!

The Crouton’s investigative journalists, well, actually just two children we hired then stacked and put a trench coat on, were able to uncover a list of New Year’s Resolutions made by Bud Peterson. We share it with you all now in the interest of transparency and in the hopes of inspiring you to ...

Shout out to former Sec. of State Condoleeza Rice for agreeing to speak at Georgia Tech despite being passed over for th...
12/17/2018

Shout out to former Sec. of State Condoleeza Rice for agreeing to speak at Georgia Tech despite being passed over for the head coaching job.

BREAKING: Geoff Collins will coach the Yellow Geoackets in 2019
12/07/2018

BREAKING: Geoff Collins will coach the Yellow Geoackets in 2019

Condoleezza Rice? Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights? Regardless of who gets the job, Tech football has a bright...
12/06/2018
Georgia Tech 2019 Coaching Candidates

Condoleezza Rice? Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights? Regardless of who gets the job, Tech football has a bright future.

Long-time Georgia Tech football coach, and the answer to the question “What if the Pillsbury Doughboy were a real person?”, Coach Paul Johnson is finally retiring. He leaves behind a legacy of the triple-option offense, a drinking game that basically wrote itself, and this gem of a gif that will...

Damn, they're really catching up this time. #THWg
11/21/2018
UGA opens Kim Jong-un School of Nuclear Engineering thanks to anonymous donation

Damn, they're really catching up this time. #THWg

The University of Georgia is taking one more step towards joining the upper echelon of engineering schools after opening the brand new, state-of-the-art Kim Jong-un School of Nuclear Engineering. The new school was built thanks to a totally anonymous donation of roughly $1 billion. “We don’t kno...

We were too lazy to start Hate Week on a Monday or even a Tuesday, so enjoy the first of TWO articles you'll get today y...
11/21/2018
Will Samford Stadium’s field be game-ready after last weekend’s monster truck rally?

We were too lazy to start Hate Week on a Monday or even a Tuesday, so enjoy the first of TWO articles you'll get today you ungrateful bastards. #THWg

Sanford Stadium’s groundskeepers (or, as UGA has taken to calling them for rankings purposes, “Landscaping Engineers”) are in a race against the clock to ensure that the field between the hedges is game-ready following a monster truck rally this past weekend. Georgia’s landscaping engineers ...

GA Secretary of State/likely Governor-elect Brian Kemp said of the decision: "Lol, seems legit."
11/07/2018
Georgia Tech vs Miami to be refereed by Coach Mark Richt

GA Secretary of State/likely Governor-elect Brian Kemp said of the decision: "Lol, seems legit."

Saturday’s crucial ACC matchup between Georgia Tech and Miami has an added layer of intrigue as the ACC Coordinator of Football Officiating has announced that Miami Coach Mark Richt will be the head referee for the game. Though Georgia Tech has loudly protested the decision, stating that it’s li...

Contrary to popular belief, a sock on the door can actually have a number of different meanings. Is your roommate (final...
10/29/2018
Sock-on-the-door Color Code and Response Guide

Contrary to popular belief, a sock on the door can actually have a number of different meanings. Is your roommate (finally) getting laid? Is she sacrificing a cat to Satan? The Crouton's Sock-on-the-Door Guide is here to help you out.

Following a series of misunderstandings in The Crouton’s staff house (located conveniently underground beneath a manhole cover at the corner of Marietta St and Means), The Crouton has decided to publish the following color-coded guide for the classic “sock-on-the-door” scenario, complete with ...

The First Lady announced that she was heartbroken by the revelation while wearing a jacket from Forever 21 that says "Lo...
10/04/2018
Melania filing for custody of Trump boys following Donald-Kim Jong-Un affair revelation

The First Lady announced that she was heartbroken by the revelation while wearing a jacket from Forever 21 that says "Lol, I give zero f**ks" on the back.

A White House divided. Following a series of torrid love letters between President Donald Trump and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un, the former publicly announced that the correspondence between the two has led to the pair falling in love . The announcement received a mixed reception: some we

Campus tour guides will be able to add yet another fun fact to their repertoires.
10/01/2018
Filming to begin on "The Internship 2: You really thought you'd get a job with one internship you dumb f**k?"

Campus tour guides will be able to add yet another fun fact to their repertoires.

Campus is abuzz with the news that Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson will be returning to campus to film “The Internship 2: You really thought you’d get a job with only one internship you dumb f**k?” The comedic duo will reprise their roles as hapless adult interns at Google, set to begin their sec...

It has officially been a week since Nike tried to bring down our country and we must keep RESISTING for AMERICA!
09/12/2018
A Week Removed: Ways You Can Keep Protesting Nike Now That You've Exhausted The Obvious Ones

It has officially been a week since Nike tried to bring down our country and we must keep RESISTING for AMERICA!

ATTENTION ALL TRUE PATRIOTS: Nike has just unveiled a new campaign supporting people exercising their constitutional right to free speech. This, of course, is UNACCEPTABLE. Therefore, we must PROTEST NIKE to ensure our status as the SUPERIOR RACE MOST PATRIOTIC AMERICANS. However, since simply

Gwyneth Paltrow, the official spokesperson for white people and CEO of lyfestyle brand Goop™ (because spelling it “lifes...
09/04/2018
White People Officially Run Out Of Different Ways To Do Yoga

Gwyneth Paltrow, the official spokesperson for white people and CEO of lyfestyle brand Goop™ (because spelling it “lifestyle” is so 2017), tearfully announced that white people have officially run out of creative new ways to do yoga.

Speaking from her yurt located on the so-gentrified-it’s-actually-poor-again-side-of-Brooklyn, Gwyneth Paltrow, the official spokesperson for white people and CEO of lyfestyle brand Goop™ (because spelling it “lifestyle” is so 2017), tearfully announced that white people have officially...

Have you seen the unicycle kid around? Have you seen a frat boy playing corn hole? Play our back to school bingo board a...
08/21/2018
First Week Bingo

Have you seen the unicycle kid around? Have you seen a frat boy playing corn hole? Play our back to school bingo board and we'll give you a gold star!

Welcome back Tech! To get your semester started off right, print off your very own Official Crouton First Week Bingo Card and hop to it! If you can fill yours out and send us a picture, we'll give you a gold star and put it on our fridge!

Late summer session is upon us, and this July and August hundreds of Georgia Tech students will notice the influx of wha...
07/27/2018
How To Survive A Summer Freshman Encounter (And What To Do If It All Goes Wrong)

Late summer session is upon us, and this July and August hundreds of Georgia Tech students will notice the influx of what appear to be optimistic youths on campus. These are known as summer freshmen.

Late summer session is upon us, and this July and August hundreds of Georgia Tech students will notice the influx of what appear to be optimistic youths on campus. These are known as summer freshmen. Some of them will have distinguishable markings - like the omnipresence of their high school letterm

Today's runoff will be so much more than voting - candidates will also have to participate in a decathlon to test their ...
07/24/2018
Runoff Election: Candidates Will Participate In Decathlon In Addition To Voting

Today's runoff will be so much more than voting - candidates will also have to participate in a decathlon to test their true colors.

Georgia’s Republican gubernatorial primary has gone into a runoff today between current Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp and current Lieutenant Governor Casey Cagle. As of late, the competition between the two has been a testosterone-filled conservative-off. In trying to swing the hardcore Bi...

You knew this day would come but you’ve been burying the thought under mountains of homework and alcohol for the past fo...
07/11/2018
What To Do At Your Friend's Wedding To Forget How Weird It Is That She's Only 21

You knew this day would come but you’ve been burying the thought under mountains of homework and alcohol for the past four years: your friend is getting married literally months after graduating.

Well, it’s finally happening. You knew this day would come but you’ve been burying the thought under mountains of homework and alcohol for the past four years: your somewhere-in-Georgia-that-isn’t-Atlanta-raised friend, let’s call her Sarah, is getting married literally months after graduati...

In a World Cup opener that kept everyone on the edge of their seats, Russia just managed to out-bribe Saudi Arabia and c...
06/14/2018
Russia Out-Bribes Saudi Arabia in Thrilling World Cup Opener

In a World Cup opener that kept everyone on the edge of their seats, Russia just managed to out-bribe Saudi Arabia and claim the win in Moscow.

In a World Cup opener that kept everyone on the edge of their seats, Russia just managed to outbribe Saudi Arabia and claim the win in Moscow. FIFA President Gianni Infantino applauded both sides for engaging in a highly competitive bidding war that saw both nations offer stock options in their nat

This isn’t high school, you can’t just goof around for three months. You’re an adult and you need to be productive with ...
06/12/2018
9 Things To Do During Summer If Nothing Else Panned Out

This isn’t high school, you can’t just goof around for three months. You’re an adult and you need to be productive with your time.

Studying abroad is too expensive, Summer classes are excruciating, and you’re not landing that Internship with that 1.6 GPA, so what is there to do over the summer? This isn’t high school, you can’t just goof around for three months. You’re an adult and you need to be productive with your ti...

Here's a little something for your pregame routine:
06/01/2018
The Crouton Presents: Our NBA Dream Team

Here's a little something for your pregame routine:

The NBA Finals are here, and with the latest installment of what seems to have become an annual tradition for the Cavs and the Warriors coming up, it’s hard not to think in hypotheticals. What if this player hadn’t gotten hurt? What if that team hadn’t traded away half of their bench? What if ...

“I sat down and really thought long and hard about ‘What captures the essence of America?’"
05/19/2018
Wedding Day Exclusive: Meghan Markle chose American Classic for “something blue.”

“I sat down and really thought long and hard about ‘What captures the essence of America?’"

In the midst of English tradition, bride Meghan Markle kept a little bit of America in her wedding. Through the tradition of “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue,” she decided that she would make her something blue an American classic - a can of Bud Light tucked into...

We've all been there. Now, you finally know what to do.
05/18/2018
A Guide to Awkward Hometown Street Encounters

We've all been there. Now, you finally know what to do.

Picture this: You’re back at home. You’ve remembered what it means to be more than a shell of a person. You capitalize on that momentum and decide to leave the house.  Suddenly you see that kid Kyle from high school. You’re not entirely sure how you know him, but you’re 100% sure that y...

04/16/2018

Official Statement on Pulitzer Snub:

"While we at The Crouton are disappointed that the journalistic excellence that we have displayed this year was not rewarded with a Pulitzer Prize, we fully intend to continue publishing the same high quality, grade-A bullsh*t that we always have. We are confident that by maintaining our current standard, working hard, and by offering bribes to members of the nominations committee, The Crouton will eventually be recognized as something more than a left-leaning, perpetually broke, poorly designed website with barely literate writers."

We accidentally made eye contact with a brand ambassador on the way to class yesterday and now know more about Veg OUT!™...
04/11/2018
"Campus Brand Ambassador: It's like a co-op, but better!"

We accidentally made eye contact with a brand ambassador on the way to class yesterday and now know more about Veg OUT!™ than we ever cared to.

Sporting a t-shirt with the neon green words “Veg OUT!™” and a dazzling smile, Tony is handing out fliers on Skiles like his life depends on it. Despite the presence of a swag-covered table meant to provide a protective barrier for the students, Tony has managed to get himself out in the open ...

It's been a long two years for Chad following his ban for sh*tting in a sand trap, but he's back and ready to drop wayyy...
04/05/2018
Chad announces triumphant return to Masters, hopes to pick up 15th green visor

It's been a long two years for Chad following his ban for sh*tting in a sand trap, but he's back and ready to drop wayyyy too much money on golf tickets.

Following a two-year hiatus from the PGA tour, Chad “Mad Dog” McDonnell announced that 2018 would mark his return with an appearance at the The Masters in Augusta, Georgia. Having finally received notice that the PGA has lifted the ban he had received for drunkenly taking a dump in one of the sa...

Farewell sweet prince. Gone but never forgotten...especially by the minorities and members of the LGBT community that yo...
03/22/2018
Plans Approved for Earl Ehrhart Library

Farewell sweet prince. Gone but never forgotten...especially by the minorities and members of the LGBT community that you seemed so interested in legislating for all these years.

Farewell sweet soul. Gone but never forgotten. Especially by the countless minority and LGBT individuals you attacked on a regular basis with your discriminatory policies.  Earl Ehrhart, the longest-serving Republican in the

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