08/17/2026
Dear Dr. Monica: Real Questions. Biblical Answers.
Question
Dear Dr. Monica,
I know this isn't really a Bible question, but something has been bothering me.
I have given my spouse gifts over the years that had sentimental value to me. After we broke up, my spouse left all the gifts I had given them behind.
Why do people do that?
If a relationship ends, should we return the gifts that our spouse gave us? And what should we do with the gifts they leave behind?
Confused About the Gifts
____________________
Answer
Dear Confused About the Gifts,
I can identify with this one because I have experienced something similar.
When someone leaves behind gifts that you lovingly gave them, it can feel like they are not only rejecting the relationship, but also rejecting the love, thought, and sacrifice that went into those gifts.
And sometimes, that disrespect is so loud that you simply don't want to revisit it.
I will be honest. I have used some of the gifts that were left behind, while telling myself, "I will never gift a gift again."
Is that the healthiest response? Probably not.
But it is a very human response to hurt.
Sometimes people leave gifts behind because they are angry. Sometimes because the memories hurt. Sometimes they don't want anything that reminds them of the relationship. Sometimes it is their way of emotionally closing the door. And sometimes, unfortunately, it can simply be an act of disrespect.
But we cannot always know someone's motive.
So should gifts be returned when a relationship ends? Not necessarily.
Once a gift has genuinely been given, it generally belongs to the person who received it. A breakup does not automatically create an obligation to return every gift.
However, if the gift has significant sentimental value to the giver, or if it was something borrowed rather than given, returning it may be the kind and respectful thing to do.
And what should you do with gifts that your former spouse leaves behind?
You have options.
You can keep them.
You can use them.
You can give them away.
You can donate them.
You can put them away until the emotional wound has healed and decide later.
You don't have to make an emotional decision immediately.
But here's my counsel.
Don't allow someone else's decision to leave your gifts behind to make you bitter about giving.
The value of a gift is not determined by what the recipient eventually does with it.
You gave it because, at that moment, you loved them.
That act of love was real.
And God sees the heart behind what we give.
Acts 20:35 reminds us: "It is more blessed to give than to receive."
And 1 Corinthians 13:5 reminds us that love "keeps no record of wrongs."
That doesn't mean you ignore disrespect or pretend you weren't hurt. It means you don't allow the hurt to transform your heart into someone you don't want to become.
If you need to remove those gifts from your life because they are painful reminders, that's okay.
If you decide to use them, that's okay too.
If you decide to donate them, that's okay.
But don't make a permanent decision about your future based on someone's behavior in your past.
And please don't say, "I'll never give anyone a gift again."
You may not be ready to give right now, and that's understandable. But one person's inability to appreciate your love should not cause you to become incapable of expressing love.
Heal first. Then, when your heart is ready, love again.
And remember this, The gift may have been left behind, but the love you gave was not wasted.
God saw it. God knows your heart. And sometimes the greatest gift you can give yourself after a painful relationship is permission to let go without becoming bitter.
Blessings,
Dr. Monica
Remember: You cannot control what someone does with the love you gave them, but you can control what you allow their actions to do to your heart.
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