Kaelah Renee

08/09/2026

Chronic Illness Evaluations Update:

I saw the endocrinologist for the first time last week. They ordered a s**t ton of tests based on my symptoms, including the symptoms that affect how my body feels & my functionality as well as my visual appearance related symptoms.

They found an enlarged thyroid on my physical exam (specifically left side thyromegaly, 16grams) so I need a thyroid ultrasound done which is scheduled for this week.

I’ve been in a flare up since late last night so I began the 24 hour urine cortisol test they ordered this morning.

The blood tests she ordered that have come back ruled out diabetes & pre-diabetes and also inadvertently proved that I do NOT have PCOS, only the endometriosis as far as reproductive system concerns (I’ve known the PCOS was a misdiagnosis for a while due to other things but nice to have the hormones confirmed).

They’re doing thorough evaluations for Cushing’s disease and keeping in mind that IF I have it, my fluctuating symptoms indicate a cyclical version of it. As you could probably tell by the thyroid testing and enlargement, they’re also looking for hypothyroidism, possibly Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.

Apparently I have many hallmarks of both.

We also know from the blood tests that came back, I have low vitamin D to the point of deficiency. This explains a lot no matter what we find next because it can cause a lot of the symptoms on it’s own & also can be associated with/caused by either of the conditions I’m being evaluated for.

I feel like we’re FINALLY so close to understanding what the hell has been happening to my body the last 2-3 years and with that, whatever it is, will finally come an actual treatment plan.

It’s been such a long and hard road to get here.

I know I need to be patient but I just wanna start feeling better. It’s been too long of so many important aspects of my life getting completely fu**ed up by my symptoms.

So many people said I was faking. So many people said I was being overdramatic and trying to get out of responsibilities since my symptoms aren’t always at a moderate or severe level. So many people thought I just wanted attention for a “fake illness”.

But this has genuinely torpedoed so many important things to me.

My ability to meaningfully work.
My ability to be a physically active & constantly present mother.
My ability to go out for a relaxing night.
My ability to improve my self esteem regarding how I look due to how severely this changed my physical appearance.
And more.

I just want to know what it is so I know how to get better and can do exactly that.

I deserve a better version of me, my boyfriend (who bless his soul has been CARRYING us financially since I first got sick) deserves a better version of his girlfriend, and most importantly- our daughter deserves a better version of her mother.

08/08/2026

Celsius BF 🤝 Alani GF >>>>

(Yes he deliberately chose to twin my flavor today)

08/08/2026

When your man knows your top Alani flavors and knows you want different ones on varying days:
💅❤️✨

08/08/2026

You can prepare all you want, but you’ll never know what PostPartum Depression can do until you’re in it.

You can know your risk factors.

You can set up more appointments with your providers.

You can make sure your support system understands the risks.

Those things can mitigate how severe it gets if you manage it in time.

But don’t make the mistake I did of assuming that it could never get “that bad” for you.

I had a history of su***de attempts and self harm as a teenager.

When I had my daughter at 20, I swore she would never have to grow up seeing her mother with new scars. I swore nothing could make me feel like I needed to take myself away from this angel on earth. I made sure my support system understood the risks and what to look for.

And then… the PPD hit.

And oh boy, it hit me HARD.

And it came with a fun friend: postpartum OCD traits.

That second one was the catalyst for me not asking for help when I first noticed the signs.

I was depressed. Half the days I felt like I was physically glued to my bed. I felt useless despite having the best reason to be useful.

I was exhausted and sleeping way too much, luckily I had her dad and family who helped me take care of her when I couldn’t do it all.

Then I started having disturbing and distressing images flash across my mind.

I would get images in my brain of myself hurting my daughter.

Graphic, violent, and gory images.

Scenarios would play in my mind of me doing those things like scenes from a movie.

This sweet, innocent baby that I loved more than anything I’ve ever loved before, became an internal target for my fears of being a bad mother and an evil person.

I became severely suicidal due to these thoughts and due to the glued-to-the-bed feeling.

They were disturbing and unwanted, and yet I felt like a terrible mother just the same.

I was convinced she was better off without me because what kind of mother has the thoughts I was having?

What kind of mother feels like she can’t “just push through” for her child?

What kind of mother can have the graphic images in her head that I had?

I knew I loved my daughter, but I felt like everything happening in my brain must be evidence to the contrary.

I waited for 3 months to tell someone. I hid it with smiles and accepting invitations to hang out and have visitors for me and the baby.

Not only was I terrified that people would think I didn’t love her, but I was scared she’d be taken from me when I never acted on my thoughts.

I didn’t hurt my daughter. I never wanted to and never entered a mental state where I was genuinely unaware of what I was doing or had an altered reality.

But by the time it got bad enough for me to push through the shame and tell someone, when I finally did, it was recommended due to my psychiatric history that I receive inpatient hospitalization to stabilize me with meds and therapy.

Being away from my baby for those two weeks was hell. But I needed it. That visit stabilized my graphic thoughts, but the move-like-molasses, “I can’t get out of bed half the time” feeling stayed.

As it continued I kept feeling worse and worse about myself.

Why couldn’t I snap out of this fully?

Why was it taking so long?

Am I just a defective mom?

The way my brain twisted things to make me feel like when she got older she would be grateful and better for me dying when she was young considering what a mess I was.

I couldn’t stand to live without my baby girl, but I also felt like me being in her life was an awful thing for her.

So…

I attempted su***de twice before my postpartum mental illness cleared up with treatment & time.

She was never in the same house during the attempts, she was with trusted family having fun.

Looking back the fact that I attempted at all after she was born is devastates me, and the fact that I tried a second time absolutely wrecks me.

She’s 4 now and we have an amazing connection, and I love her so much.

When I came out of my postpartum depression I resolved that I would never pass on a trauma like losing a parent to su***de to my daughter.

As much as my brain had wanted me to believe the opposite, children can’t make sense of things like that.

They will blame themselves. They will ask why they weren’t good enough for their parent to stay. They will likely have mental health issues.

Asking for help when I needed it became something I burned into my brain so if I ever went through a crisis again, I would make sure she didn’t lose her mother because of it.

I still don’t understand how my PPD/PPOCD trait brain could warp things so badly.

How it can twist logic to fit its own awful narrative.

But I’m so glad I survived it to watch my daughter grow up.

08/08/2026

08/06/2026

08/04/2026

Today on my way to work using public transit after I already stressed my mind & body out in physical therapy for my chronic illness that causes functional disability, I had an experience that proved why my boyfriend wants to train me on gun safety and take me to shooting practice at the range, then get me my own gun once I know how to handle and shoot safely and within the bounds of the law.

Holy s**t that was terrifying and I’m glad he got me pepper spray for the interim when we first moved here. I was also lucky the dude was bold enough to try what he tried in a populated area with staff I could quickly walk to. Thank f**k my legs didn’t give out like they have some days after pushing the muscles PT.

Why can’t men just leave women alone, ESPECIALLY once we say no.

07/31/2026

07/26/2026

I’m super excited to announce that I’m opening a storefront !! Hades Hearth 🤍✨

make sure you follow along for any updates on the store, I can’t wait to share what I’m opening. But in the meantime, follow along for updates and the renovation process 🫶🏻