12/22/2025
A priest, a p**n star, and a le***an goat farmer walk into a bar…
This weekend was INCREDIBLE!!
I am still trying to catch up on the sleep that all my anticipatory adrenaline has been trying to avoid but I just have to share about how great this past weekend was.
There were so many hugs and so many friends, new, old and Stormy Daniels.
Yes. The Stormy Daniels.
It all seemed to go by so quickly and I feel like on our next playdate, we need to factor in a few extra hours for debauchery.
Now that I have met her in person, I can officially report that Stormy Daniels may just be my twin sister in chaos and this weekend just went too fast.
Little Farmpit got to peek through the curtains while I was on stage. His eyes were huge as he stared, quietly, watching his mama walk out into bright lights. I opened the night with a nice metal castrator/bander being pulled from the crocheted bag of wonders that I carried onto stage and closed my set by being the only one of the three of us to show the crowd my c**k. As I pulled little Andy the rooster from my bag, the crowd both laughed and melted into a puddle of awwwws that my tiny orange c**k always manages to pull. No one was disappointed by his performance.
Father Nathan Monk felt inspired to try the same bit but we talked him out of it at the last possible moment for fear of headlines and lack of bond money. The crowd was feisty though, and I feel a few people may have been disappointed by his performance in the end, not due to his jokes, he's hilarious, but, only because they were feeling entitled to now seeing all of us ending our sets with a healthy c**k display and Father Nathan was next up.
(And yes, yall, the vest on Father Monk is just as dreamy in real life as the one we all ogle online.)
And then there was Stormy.
I don’t even know how to write this as I don’t know if my words can do her justice. So often I write humorously but I am writing this in respect.
She is just as great as we all thought.
And she’s human.
Sometimes when meeting someone for the first time, be it a celebrity, an online acquaintance that you’ve vibed with or a long lost family member, we forget people are real. Rather than just a moment where our paths are crossing, we have a lifetime of separate, similar experiences and feelings that have made us who we are today. It would have been odd for me to not wonder “what if she’s not as cool as she is when we talk online?” “what if this is too small/too hot/too cold/too anything?” “What if this is a huge deal for me and just another day for her?” “What if I just fangirled out too hard and now I have gotten myself into a situation…again?”.
Father Nathan was on stage, I had walked to the back to grab something and passed Stormy’s dressing room. She was just standing in there, alone, head down, in the zone. It almost appeared she was in prayer rather than gathering the gumption to tell a packed house a relatable story about her bu****le on a jumbotron.
I tried not to be a creeper, so quickly dipped back into my own room with the life sized crocheted voodoo doll that I made in her roughly estimated proportions while she had her pre stage moment.
As Father Nathan had wrapped up his set, it was just Stormy and I in the back, when suddenly, there was a technical difficulty with a video that plays at the beginning of her set. That delay caused her entrance to be delayed.
Not wanting to be dramatic, she threw her hands up in the air, “NOW THEY ALL THINK I AM BACK HERE DOING DRUGGS!!!!!!!!!!!” We both chose to wear gold, glittery eyeshadow that night, and as her eyelids flutter hold back the tears, her glitter gets in my glitter and I also start fluttering, but counterclockwise. We are suddenly surrounded in a tornado of gold leaf and big hair.
I had a moscow mule in one hand, a rooster in my greenroom, there is glitter fu***ng everywhere, I have an idea.
I handed Stormy my mule and said “Drink it, I got this.”
I am really good when working on impulse and inspiration. I leave Stormy in the hall, holding my drink, shimmering, and not doing any drugs, much less enough drugs to be able to feign innocence when and if I pull off whatever distraction I am formulating in my head. I will be damned if my newest best friend has anyone spread mean rumors about her.
I am opening the cat carrier that I have the world’s most chill chicken sitting in and grab him. I race back to the glittery Stormy cloud that has formed in the hall way and suddenly we hear music. She stops fluttering and suddenly gets calm.
“Thank god, that’s the freaking video, finally,” Stormy says, then looks at me puzzled as I am leaning towards the stage entrance with my chicken, looking like I was on a mission. “Um, Swan, what were you about to do?”
“Throw this,” I respond.
Without any shame, which, in hindsight, I should have had a little bit, I clarified “Oh, I was going to throw Andy on the stage and then go catch him as he ran from me so it would be something you could play off as my fault so no one thought you were doing druggs or something weird back here. I was protecting your dignity and reputation, Stormy. Obviously.”
I figured it would have taken me at least 2 minutes to catch him, which could have been enough time to solve the tech crisis and be a good best friend.
Stormy Daniels then went out and told jokes, stories and continued to be an even better, funnier, kinder, more relatable, rockstar of a human than you could even imagine.
Yes. The Stormy Daniels, my hero and now my friend.
Image description: A p**n star, a priest, and a le***an goat farmer stand in a bar.
Not pictured: Subaru of America, Inc.. Happy Honda Days, still, I guess.
