BREAKING: Hundreds of high school students are reportedly dead and hundreds more injured after deranged teen enters school with a backpack and dufflebags filled with Tide pods, throwing them at helpless students and teachers, indiscriminately.
Corespondent Juan Tabloya was able to catch up to a student named Wilma Fingerdoo who managed to get away from the mayhem and she had this to say, with laundry detergent dripping from her clothes.
"It was a normal day, really. I was just sitting there in math and then the doors flew open and all these Tide pods just came whizzing by my head. I ducked down under my desk, but I could see my classmates just pick them up and start eating them., They just couldn't stop. Why do they have to look so delicious?!"
The federal government is scrambling to assemble a press briefing about stricter detergent control in the United States, but the NDA (National Detergent Association) has been staunch to keep background checks low, citing ridiculousness.
Updates to come.