11/27/2025
I just found out my mom has been sending my girlfriend cruel messages for who knows how long. I don’t know how to handle this (M36/F32)
Generally, not much rattles me. My friends call me a “stoic, emotionally-constipated idiot,” and they’re not wrong. Which is why we’re all still a little stunned that the love of my life is basically my opposite.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for eight years, known her for ten. She’s quiet, gentle, brilliant (an actual whole ass professor) and genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. She’s silly, shy, goofy in the best ways, and loves to poke fun. I love all of it. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone ever in this lifetime.
But last night, something happened that I can’t let go of
My phone was charging, so I was scrolling Instagram reels on hers like I usually do. One of her friends DMed her. Normally I’d send back some dumb reaction photo so they know it’s me, just a thing in our circle.
But it wasn’t a joke. It was screenshots my girlfriend had sent her friend, and the friend was trying to comfort her.
I hesitated, then opened the screenshots to read better. And I’m glad I did, I don't even regret it anymore because what I saw were multiple messages from my mother. Cruel ones. And the timestamps weren’t all from the same day. So I don’t know how long this has been happening. A week? Longer? No idea.
Some of the messages my mom sent:
“Maybe he hasn’t proposed because you haven’t given him a child. **Men don’t marry placeholders.**” (most recent. This one makes me see red. I can't even imagine how my baby felt)
“If you stopped dressing like a teenage boy and put on some makeup, maybe he’d see you as a wife instead of one of his little friends.”
“You’re keeping him from his family. He used to visit.” (For clarity: I’m the one who pulled back because of her behavior toward one of my sisters. That's a whole other issue. So nothing to do with my girlfriend.)
“You think you’re special? You’re lucky he even brought you home. Girls like you don’t get commitment from men like him.” (like what the hell is this?)
“You’re not good enough for the life he deserves.”
Reading them made my stomach drop. They were hateful and completely false.
There's even more but these were the ones seered into my brain. And my girlfriend didn’t tell me about any of them. She’s just been carrying this alone. Smiling, laughing with me, all while this garbage was sitting in the back of her mind.
My girlfriend avoids conflict. She hates upsetting anyone. I get it. It’s easier to talk to a friend first, and my mom can be… intense. She probably didn’t want to put me in a position where it looked like choosing sides.
But I’ve chosen. And it’s not her I’m angry with.
I’m furious at my mother. I’m exhausted by this. She knows how much my girlfriend means to me. She hears me talk about her constantly. I really thought she might actually be happy for me.
At the same time, I don’t want to make this harder on my girlfriend or make her feel exposed.
So here’s where I need advice:
Do I tell my girlfriend gently that I saw the messages, that I’m on her side, and she doesn’t need to shield me from my own mother?
Or do I handle my mother privately and not bring it up unless my girlfriend does?
I just want her to feel safe and supported. And it makes me sick that she’s been dealing with this alone. I mean actually sick. I'm just watching her make breakfast and I just...
What’s the best approach that prioritizes her well-being first?
