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The Carmi Timez, Carmi, IL (2026)

05/21/2026

Local Man Buys Former Market to Protect Market Share.

CARMI, IL — In a move city officials described as “totally normal small-town business activity” and residents described as “wait, he owns what now?”, a local businessman has reportedly continued his quiet quest to become the final boss of Carmi liquor sales.

According to the actual local news, (WRUL) he owns Pundrakes, East Side Package, Rock Bottom, and the property formerly known as Fifth Street Market, which is roughly the Carmi business equivalent of landing on three railroads, both utilities, and then asking if anybody is using Boardwalk.

The controversy began after Fifth Street Market had previously pursued a liquor license so it could add gaming. Then he purchased the property and explained he did so to protect market share, which is the polite business term for “I saw competition coming and hit it with a folding chair before it got through the door.”

He reportedly said Walmart getting a liquor license caused a 15–20% drop in sales, a development that sent shockwaves through Carmi’s delicate ecosystem of beer, scratch-offs, gaming machines, and men named Randy standing outside with hand rolled ci******es.

“It’s not a monopoly,” said one imaginary city official, nervously turning the Carmi Monopoly board face down. “It’s just one man owning several alcohol-adjacent properties while another guy has to ask permission to open a convenience store with gaming. Completely different.”

The city council recently amended the liquor ordinance after someone expressed interest in opening a convenience/dollar store with gaming. This reportedly means "someone' can return in June to formally request the newly created license, assuming there is still a license available and it hasn’t already been purchased defensively and placed in a locked drawer beside the Fifth Street Market sign.

Residents say they support local business but are beginning to wonder how many stores one man can own before the town starts issuing him a tiny top hat and a cane.

“I went in for a loaf of bread, a Pepsi, and some paper towels,” said one resident. “Somehow I ended up buying Busch Light, losing $40 in a machine, and being told the grocery aisle was coming soon to a different building he also owns.”

City leaders insisted the ordinance change was about fairness, opportunity, and economic development, not about turning every empty storefront in Carmi into a liquor-license chess match.

At press time, the Carmi Monopoly board had been updated again. Fifth Street Market is now marked “Protected Market Share,” Pundrakes has been upgraded to a hotel, and the Community Chest card simply says: “A new competitor appears. Buy property immediately.”

05/20/2026

BREAKING: Carmi Officials Learn Sewage Is Apparently More Expensive Than Gold

CARMI — In a city meeting Tuesday night lasting longer than most people’s septic systems, officials discussed possibly opening bids for the sale of Carmi’s wastewater treatment plant after representatives from American Water explained that modern sewer infrastructure now costs roughly the same as launching satellites into orbit.

According to the presentation:

* meter pits that once cost $500 now cost $2,000
* six-inch rural water mains can cost $70,000–$80,000 PER MILE
* and wastewater systems are “getting really challenging for communities.”

City officials repeatedly stressed:
“THIS IS NOT A SALE.”

Residents immediately began mentally hiding their toilets.

American Water representatives explained they serve 148 communities and proudly support unions, employees, infrastructure planning, preventative maintenance, predictive maintenance, asset management plans, capital improvement plans, future planning plans, and probably plans for planning future plans.

One longtime resident cut through the corporate presentation with:
“I don’t think they ought to be here.”

The room reportedly became spiritually united for the first time all evening.

Another resident referenced Rosiclare residents claiming rates stayed low briefly before “skyrocketing,” causing multiple citizens to suddenly calculate how much flushing they actually do per month.

Perhaps the strongest moment came from a local wastewater operator who asked the question nobody from American Water could fully answer:

“What exactly is wrong with OUR system?”

Representatives admitted they had not yet inspected the Carmi system, but assured residents they would be more than happy to determine what is wrong with it AFTER the city allows companies to submit purchase proposals.

Officials clarified the city is only considering issuing an RFP — a Request for Proposal — meaning:

* no sale has occurred
* more hearings would happen
* more votes would happen
* Illinois Commerce Commission approval would be required
* and residents still have time to panic in an orderly fashion.

Meanwhile, Carmi citizens are reportedly staring nervously at every toilet flush wondering if it will soon require financing.

05/19/2026

🚨 CARMI RUMOR MILL ENTERS FULL MELTDOWN OVER POSSIBLE SEWER SYSTEM SALE 🚨

CARMI — Rumors are exploding across White County that Carmi may be discussing selling off the sewer system to some mysterious outside company, sending residents into the most emotional panic since Casey’s ran out of breakfast pizza.

Details remain unclear, but that hasn’t stopped half the county from immediately assuming:

* sewer bills will triple,
* toilets will become subscription based,
* and somebody in Chicago is about to start profiting off local bowel movements.

Residents say the idea has already triggered widespread fear because if there’s one thing Carmi citizens trust less than government…
it’s corporations handling human waste.

One local man stated:
“I ain’t paying $187 a month just to s**t indoors.”

Experts say towns across Illinois have explored similar deals because:

* sewer systems are ancient,
* repairs cost millions,
* EPA regulations exist,
* and apparently half the underground infrastructure in Southern Illinois was installed by drunk men with shovels sometime shortly after World War II.

Meanwhile, older residents insist:
“The sewer system’s always worked fine,”
despite certain streets smelling like Satan’s septic tank every time it rains more than 11 minutes.

Locals also fear privatization could lead to:

* mysterious service fees,
* customer support located in another hemisphere,
* and a future where residents must “Press 4 for emergency sewage overflow.”

One resident reportedly became emotional and stated:
“If I get put on a payment plan for flushing a toilet I’m just gonna start using the woods like my papaw.”

Meanwhile, Facebook experts who failed 9th grade science are now aggressively explaining wastewater infrastructure like licensed engineers.

Within hours of the rumor spreading, Carmi Chit Chat reportedly contained:

* 312 comments,
* 47 angry reacts,
* 19 conspiracy theories,
* and one resident blaming Hunter Biden for sewer inflation.

Another resident claimed:
“They better not sell OUR p**p to some private company.”

Nobody knew what that meant.
But people agreed angrily.

Officials have not confirmed anything yet, but that hasn’t stopped White County residents from behaving like somebody already installed coin slots on every toilet in town.

At press time, several men at Huck’s were reportedly discussing wastewater treatment while standing beside slot machines and eating fried mushrooms.

More to come after the meeting…
assuming the sewer still belongs to us.

05/15/2026

Carmi Residents No Longer Receiving Deliveries — Instead Participating in Daily County-Wide Scavenger Hunt

CARMI — White County residents say everyday life has become significantly more exciting as both Spark drivers and postal workers continue participating in what locals now describe as:
“surprise location delivery services.”

Residents report packages, groceries, mail, medications, and occasionally entire weeks of emotional stability are now being delivered to completely random porches throughout the county.

The situation has become so common that Carmi Chit Chat now spends most of the day functioning as:

* a detective agency,
* missing package hotline,
* neighborhood watch,
* and porch identification task force.

Locals say nearly every post now begins with:
“Does anybody recognize this house?”

The attached photo usually contains:

* one blurry package,
* a partial storm door,
* half a flower pot,
* and absolutely no useful information whatsoever.

Within minutes, however, White County residents begin working the case harder than the FBI.

Comments immediately flood in:

* “That looks like Jenny's siding.”
* “Those bricks are definitely south of town.”
* “I know them steps.”
* “Shared in Enfield.”
* “ENHANCE THE IMAGE.”

One retired resident reportedly identified a mystery delivery location entirely from:
“the emotional energy of the porch.”

Meanwhile, postal workers have allegedly embraced a newer strategy known as:
“close enough.”

Residents claim mail is now routinely delivered:

* three roads over,
* to dead relatives,
* inside empty newspaper boxes,
* or directly to whichever house appears least angry.

One local woman reportedly received:

* two Walmart orders,
* somebody’s electric bill,
* a fishing magazine,
* and medication for a man named Gary
despite not knowing anyone named Gary and not even living near him.

Meanwhile Gary reportedly spent six hours searching for blood pressure medicine and frozen taquitos while Carmi Chit Chat analyzed mailbox numbers like a crime documentary.

Experts now believe White County residents can identify nearly any home in the county from:

* one porch light,
* part of a welcome mat,
* or a blurry reflection in a gallon of milk.

At press time, another resident had posted:
“Missing package. Contains cat litter, hemorrhoid cream, and chicken strips. If found please message me before my husband gets home.”

05/13/2026

Strange Illuminated Object Rolls Through New Haven, Residents Demand Answers

NEW HAVEN — Residents of New Haven remain on edge after a mysterious glowing object slowly traveled through town late Tuesday night along the river road that turns into Main Street.

Witnesses described the object as:

* long and silver,
* glowing from both ends,
* unusually smooth,
* and producing what many called “a deep mechanical humming sound.”

One resident stated:
“It just appeared out of the darkness by the river and kept moving like it knew exactly where it was going.”

Another claimed:
“There was light INSIDE of it. Real light. Not lantern light neither.”

Several residents gathered near the middle of Legion Hill attempting to identify the object as it passed silently through town before disappearing into the darkness.

Theories immediately spread throughout New Haven including:

* military equipment,
* government surveillance,
* alien activity,
* or “one of them fancy Pepsi machines from the moving pictures.”

One witness became emotional while describing what he saw near the rear of the object.

“It had this silver ball-looking thing floating between the back lights but lower down. I knew right then we were dealing with technology beyond our understanding.”

Residents also reported the object emitted powerful beams of light capable of illuminating entire stretches of riverbank and nearby trees, and a make shift barn/bar.

Unfortunately, due to New Haven having roughly the same cell service as the year 1847, nobody could:

* search what they saw,
* upload a picture,
* or contact anyone outside the area.
* They did manage to be able to produce an image with what somebody called a "futuristic photograph machine", which was just a damp digital camera from 2001 that you had to hit a little bit for it to work.

By sunrise, the entire town was reportedly discussing the mysterious encounter.

The situation was finally resolved after local resident Michael returned from outside the town and listened carefully to witness descriptions and studied the only "photo".

After several moments of silence, Michael reportedly responded:

“Guys…that was just a 2001 Chevy Silverado.”

The town remains divided.

*Photo credit
Toothless Jim

05/13/2026

Grayville City Council Solves Absolutely Nothing During 90-Minute Emergency Cat Summit

GRAYVILLE — The Grayville City Council gathered Monday night for what experts are now calling one of the most aggressively small-town meetings ever recorded in human history.

Over the course of an hour and a half, city leaders tackled critical issues facing the community including:

* swimming pools,
* toilet-cleaning teenagers,
* 80 thousand dollars mysteriously disappearing into unpaid utility bills,
* feral cats,
* trapped cats,
* relocated cats,
* emotionally damaged cats,
* and whether one specific cat named Pooh-Bear constitutes a criminal enterprise.

Residents say the meeting began peacefully enough with updates on the city pool, where officials proudly announced approximately 200 children are expected to arrive opening day to swim, consume concession stand nachos, and p*e at levels never before documented by science.

City officials also expressed excitement over hiring more lifeguards because, according to one speaker:
“today’s youth need opportunities to learn responsibility and clean toilets.”

Meanwhile, police reported:

* 213 calls,
* 23 investigations,
* 6 arrests,
* 4 citations,
and one officer successfully escaping Grayville entirely after accepting employment somewhere else.

But the real chaos reportedly began when city leaders entered hour-long combat over utility shutoffs, landlords, and tens of thousands of dollars in unpaid bills that everyone somehow noticed only after it reached roughly the GDP of a small island nation.

One resident allegedly asked:
“So we’re just now figuring this out?”

Officials responded:
“Basically yes.”

The meeting then entered its most dangerous phase:
the cat discussion.

Witnesses say tensions escalated rapidly after residents debated whether Pooh-Bear the cat was:

* a neighborhood nuisance,
* a kidnapping victim,
* stolen property,
* or simply a free spirit trying to survive Grayville.

One resident reportedly toured town by golf cart counting approximately 700 feral cats, though officials later adjusted the estimate to:
“a whole bunch.”

The council also discussed:

* trapping cats,
* relocating cats,
* cat bullying,
* cat law loopholes,
* and whether Grayville is now technically governed by felines.

Experts say no conclusions were reached, which places the meeting firmly within standard small-town government operating procedures.

At press time, the city had approved:

* a hog roast,
* a co****le tournament liquor license,
* and absolutely no solution to anything discussed for the previous 90 minutes.

05/12/2026

NO AI PHOTOS WERE USED. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE video (for real, Burnt Prairie is that F'ed up lol)

BURNT PRAIRIE — Families visiting loved ones at Liberty Cemetery say the line between “final resting place” and “light industrial recycling operation” has become increasingly difficult to identify.

Residents claim scrap metal is now being pushed so close to the cemetery that visitors are no longer sure if they’re attending a graveside service or trying to unload an old refrigerator.

One family admitted years ago they may not have gotten an official survey before burying grandma and instead relied mostly on:

“that big tree,”
“where Earl thought the line was,”
and “common sense,”
which experts now confirm was a catastrophic strategy.

That uncertainty apparently hasn’t stopped the nearby scrap operation from allegedly pushing an old trampoline frame directly against somebody’s headstone like grandma just landed a sick backflip in 1997 and never recovered.

One visitor stated:
“I was scared to park too close, I didn't want the crane to scrap my wheelchair..”

Another resident claimed:
“At this point I’m half expecting the obituary to end with:
‘services followed by crushing operations.’”

Families say the peaceful cemetery atmosphere now includes:

* forklift backup alarms,
* piles of twisted metal,
* random dogs wandering through old transmissions,
* and a shirtless guy smoking while carrying what looked like half a pontoon boat.

Locals also report being asked to keep funeral ceremonies down during lunch break because workers “can’t hear the radio over all the grieving.”

One mourner allegedly got three sentences into the Lord’s Prayer before somebody yelled:
“HEY WHO STACKED THEM RIMS LIKE THAT?!”

Residents say things have gotten so ridiculous that:

* one woman accidentally left with a used lawnmower deck,
* a child asked if grandpa was buried under “the refrigerator mountain,”
* and one elderly man reportedly tried to pay respects beside an upright freezer thinking it was a monument.

Meanwhile Burnt Prairie citizens remain divided on where exactly the cemetery line is located, though most agree it’s somewhere between:
“that crooked post”
and
“the pile of mufflers.”

THANK YOU TO THE FAMILY THAT SENT THIS STORY IN. WE HERE ARE SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

AND IF ANYONE ELSE HAS A STORY OR SOMETHING THAT IS JUST RIDICULOUS. SEND IT IN. YOUR NAME WILL NEVER BE ATTACHED.

05/11/2026

BREAKING: Counties Introduce Exciting New “Friendship-Based Property Tax Program”

AREA COUNTIES — Local officials are proud to unveil a groundbreaking new property assessment system designed to reward what matters most:
connections.

Under the new unofficial “Who Ya Know Initiative,” residents who are related to, drink with, golf with, hunt with, fish with, or occasionally wave at the county tax assessor may now enjoy exciting benefits including:

* mystery missing assessments,
* invisible garages,
* untaxed additions,
* bonus pole barns,
* and entire buildings somehow “not appearing on paperwork.”

Officials say the system has been working quietly for years and is finally receiving the recognition it deserves.

One local homeowner reportedly added:

* a 3-car garage,
* a covered porch,
* an outdoor kitchen,
* two additions,
* and what appears to be a small Bass Pro Shop behind his house…

yet somehow still pays taxes on a structure last updated during the Clinton administration.

Meanwhile, residents unfamiliar with the assessor are encouraged to enjoy:

* surprise reassessments,
* aerial photography inspections,
* letters in the mail,
* and tax increases triggered by breathing near someone they don't like.

One county resident stated:
“I put up a bird feeder and my taxes went up $600. Meanwhile my buddy built a damn airport hangar and they still think it’s a shed.”

Officials deny favoritism and insist all properties are treated equally, though experts note symptoms of “selective blindness” appear strongest near:

* campaign donors,
* golfing buddies,
* relatives,
* and people with pontoon boats named after women.

At press time, counties were considering a new slogan for the assessment office:

“Fairness For All*
*terms and conditions apply.”

05/08/2026

BREAKING: Enfield Residents Fall Victim to Completely Ridiculous Satire Story

ENFIELD — Local residents are reportedly recovering after a clearly fake internet news story somehow turned into a full-scale community debate lasting several hours online.

The satire article, which included multiple details from the last town meeting, an obviously AI-generated image, and enough red flags to stop traffic route 45, was still accepted by a surprising number of readers as completely legitimate news.

Witnesses say concern spread rapidly through town shortly after the story was posted, with comments ranging from:

* “This is getting out of hand.”
* “I knew this was coming.”
* “Can they legally do this?”
* and “You're going to get sued for definition.”

One resident reportedly became so emotionally invested they threatened to contact state officials before realizing halfway through the argument that the article may have included phrases such as:

* “ghost town tourism initiative,”
* “government-funded fart lighting ceremony,”
* and “international m**h awareness partnership.”

Experts studying the event say Enfield appears uniquely vulnerable to satire due to a dangerous combination of:

* boredom,
* Facebook,
* small-town rumors,
* and the town’s long-standing inability to tell if som**hing is a joke or an actual board meeting.

Researchers confirmed the same kind of articles was shared in neighboring towns where most residents laughed and moved on, while Enfield residents launched investigations, arguments, and at least one prayer request.

Town officials denied claims citizens are overly gullible, while simultaneously asking if the ghost tours were still happening.

As of press time, several residents remained angry about a story they now admit they never fully read in the first place.

05/07/2026

Mill Shoals Continues Bold Mission to Become Largest Town With Absolutely Nothing In It

MILL SHOALS — Village leaders gathered this week for another action-packed board meeting focused on solving the community’s biggest issues:
trash, mosquitoes, abandoned buildings, and figuring out how to collect money from people who destroy public property.

Residents say the meeting once again highlighted Mill Shoals’ incredible potential as a town located directly off the interstate with absolutely no reason to stop there.

The biggest topic of discussion centered around the former grade school property, which has apparently spent the last decade slowly transforming into a historical monument dedicated to “good intentions.”

Officials noted that nearly nine years ago grant money was received to repair the roof, making it one of the most expensive surviving empty buildings in Southern Illinois.

The board is now considering selling the property, assuming they can locate another human being willing to invest in a town where the main economic development plan currently involves a dumpster behind Village Hall.

Speaking of dumpsters, the town proudly announced a community-wide trash cleanup event where residents will be allowed to haul their garbage to a giant container from June 5th through June 10th.

Officials warned residents not to dump illegal items such as tires, paint, electronics, appliances, or possibly entire houses.

To prevent criminal dumping activity, cameras will reportedly be installed to monitor the site, making the dumpster officially one of the most heavily surveilled attractions in Mill Shoals.

The board also discussed mosquito spraying, because apparently even mosquitoes were beginning to think conditions around town were getting out of hand.

Meanwhile, officials are exploring online water payments in a groundbreaking move that experts say could propel Mill Shoals all the way into approximately 2009 technology.

Residents remain optimistic about the town’s future despite years of decline, empty buildings, disappearing businesses, and the constant feeling that the interstate traffic passing by at 75 mph is actively trying not to make eye contact.

As of press time, leaders were reportedly considering several new slogans for the town including:

* “Mill Shoals: You Already Passed It”
* “Right Off The Interstate And Proud Of It”
* “Now Featuring A Monitored Dumpster”
* and “Come For The Potential, Leave Because There’s Nothing Open”

05/06/2026

Carmi Officials Concerned Alcoholics Forced to Suffer Through Sundays

CARMI — City leaders spent nearly an hour Tuesday night courageously discussing one of the community’s most pressing humanitarian crises:

People having to drive all the way to Crossville on Sundays to buy beer.

Officials say the proposed liquor ordinance changes are not about encouraging drinking, but instead about “keeping revenue local” and making sure struggling alcoholics have safe, convenient access to Busch Light seven days a week without the burden of a short road trip.

One official reportedly stated:
“If our citizens are gonna make terrible decisions, we’d at least prefer they do it inside city limits where we can collect taxes from it.”

The proposed ordinance would add Sunday alcohol sales, increase liquor license fees, and help new businesses offer what economists are now calling the “Carmi Survival Starter Pack”:

* beer
* gaming machines
* ci******es
* toilet paper
* and a breakfast pizza rotating under a heat lamp since 6 a.m.

Meanwhile, tow fees are also increasing dramatically, proving Carmi has finally discovered the perfect business model:
sell the alcohol seven days a week, then charge $350 to tow the vehicle afterward.

Residents were divided on the proposal.

Some argued Sunday sales are unnecessary and that access to alcohol and drugs is already too easy in town.

Others expressed concern that forcing residents to wait until Monday could lead to dangerous withdrawal symptoms, emotional instability, and in extreme cases… sobriety.

To offset criticism, city officials also announced the renewal of the employee safety incentive program, believed to consist mostly of reminding workers not to touch anything sticky near the gaming machines.

As of press time, several residents had already driven to Crossville anyway out of pure habit.

The Carmi Timez

05/21/2026

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