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"The President is well enough to conduct staged photo ops and sign blank sheets of paper, therefore he's able to execute...
10/04/2020

"The President is well enough to conduct staged photo ops and sign blank sheets of paper, therefore he's able to execute the office of the President in his full capacity." - Trump's Doctors

Nation's Y2K Panic Supplies Repurposed As COVID-19 Supplies, "Probably still good" Says Nation's Fathers
03/18/2020

Nation's Y2K Panic Supplies Repurposed As COVID-19 Supplies, "Probably still good" Says Nation's Fathers

Zombies Adopt Social Distancing To Reduce Spread of COVID-19
03/17/2020

Zombies Adopt Social Distancing To Reduce Spread of COVID-19

BREAKING: Federal Reserve Prints 1.6 Trillion Rolls Of Toilet Paper In Order To Stabilize Markets
03/14/2020

BREAKING: Federal Reserve Prints 1.6 Trillion Rolls Of Toilet Paper In Order To Stabilize Markets

Vice President Mike Pence Grows Increasingly Worried That He Hasn't Been Raptured Yet
03/14/2020

Vice President Mike Pence Grows Increasingly Worried That He Hasn't Been Raptured Yet

BREAKING NEWS: Corona To Rebrand Amidst Pandemic Fears
02/28/2020

BREAKING NEWS: Corona To Rebrand Amidst Pandemic Fears

Frustrated With The Democratic Process, Bloomberg Announces He'll Give Every American $1000 a Month If They Elect Him Pr...
02/26/2020

Frustrated With The Democratic Process, Bloomberg Announces He'll Give Every American $1000 a Month If They Elect Him President. "F**k it, I can afford it." Says Bloomberg

Tow Truck Driver Retracts Sanders Endorsement After Discovering It's Not 'Medicare For Al'We informed Mr. Kowalski that ...
02/25/2020

Tow Truck Driver Retracts Sanders Endorsement After Discovering It's Not 'Medicare For Al'

We informed Mr. Kowalski that he would be covered under Senator Sanders's "Medicare for All" plan. Big Al responded by ashing his stogie and saying he "didn't pay taxes so a lot of lazy moochers could get free stuff" after which he proceeded to take a 3-hour nap in his truck.

Desperate To Reclaim Momentum From Sanders, Buttigieg Announces Rusty, An Adorable Dog In A Suit, As His Running Mate
02/24/2020

Desperate To Reclaim Momentum From Sanders, Buttigieg Announces Rusty, An Adorable Dog In A Suit, As His Running Mate

Tom Perez Laughs Fiendishly As New, Improved Super Delegates Near Completion
02/20/2020

Tom Perez Laughs Fiendishly As New, Improved Super Delegates Near Completion

"It’s time for you to grow up and get a real political ideology, one that can make real money for your health insurance ...
02/19/2020
OPINION: Why Can't You Be More Like That Nice Boy Pete Buttigieg?

"It’s time for you to grow up and get a real political ideology, one that can make real money for your health insurance provider, like we did."

Your father and I understand that all this whole social and economic justice thing is important to you, sweetie, but don’t we think it’d be nice if you finally settled down and went to …

“We went back and checked the candidate preference cards and who woulda thunk it, Hilary Clinton was actually listed as ...
02/09/2020
Iowa Democratic Party Declares Hillary Clinton The Winner Of The Iowa Caucus

“We went back and checked the candidate preference cards and who woulda thunk it, Hilary Clinton was actually listed as the preferred candidate on 51% of every card in the state"

DES MOINES, IA – Nearly a week after a hotly contested Democratic caucus in Iowa, Iowa Democratic Party chairman Troy Price announced that the state’s residents had indeed come out for …

At press time the two elder statesmen were discussing the possibility of betrothing Kerry's youngest granddaughter to Bi...
12/05/2019
WASP-y Septuagenarian Endorses WASP-y Septuagenarian For President

At press time the two elder statesmen were discussing the possibility of betrothing Kerry's youngest granddaughter to Biden's great-nephew so as to cement their new political alliance.

NEW HAMPTON, Iowa — John Kerry, the former secretary of state, 2004 Democratic presidential nominee, and man so white he puts mayonnaise on everything, is endorsing fellow septuagenarian and white,…

CNN Says Next Democratic Debate Will Follow Jeopardy! Format
09/16/2019
CNN Says Next Democratic Debate Will Follow Jeopardy! Format

CNN Says Next Democratic Debate Will Follow Jeopardy! Format

(CNN) – The Democratic National Committee announced that the party’s fourth presidential debate next month in Westerville, Ohio will follow a Jeopardy! Style format. The debate will air…

To enable subtitles for Booker, hit settings, then find closed captioning and set to always on. Alternatively, your ABC ...
09/12/2019
Everything You Need To Know For Tonight’s Democratic Debate

To enable subtitles for Booker, hit settings, then find closed captioning and set to always on. Alternatively, your ABC affiliate may offer SAP (Secondary Audio Pandering) in English.

Tonight’s debate marks another important milestone in the process of selecting the Democratic party’s nominee. Here’s everything you need to know going into tonight: To enable sub…

REPORT: Roger Stone’s Tattoo is Actually Nixon Horcrux
09/10/2019
REPORT: Roger Stone’s Tattoo is Actually Nixon Horcrux

REPORT: Roger Stone’s Tattoo is Actually Nixon Horcrux

Former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg revealed today that a tattoo of Richard M. Nixon on his mentor Roger Stone’s back is actually a Horcrux belonging to Nixon. Our 37th President supposedl…

FOX NEWS Accused Of Trying To Scare FOX NEWS Viewers With Latest Poll
09/09/2019
FOX NEWS Accused Of Trying To Scare FOX NEWS Viewers With Latest Poll

FOX NEWS Accused Of Trying To Scare FOX NEWS Viewers With Latest Poll

FOX NEWS has been accused by the Federal Election Commission and the Democratic National Committee of trying to scare their viewers by conducting this poll which shows Donald Trump losing re-electi…

“Mmm. Tastes good,” she said, flecks of meat falling down her blouse. “Yeah, is this triggering you, libs? Are you so tr...
09/08/2019
Laura Ingraham Eats Entire Vat Of Raw Ground Beef On Air To “Own The Liberals”

“Mmm. Tastes good,” she said, flecks of meat falling down her blouse. “Yeah, is this triggering you, libs? Are you so triggered?”

Laura Ingraham devoted the entire hour of her FOX NEWS show this evening to eating an enormous vat of raw hamburger. “Well, it’s a meal that will trigger everyone on the left” she said to kick off …

TODAY IN HISTORY! 1901: President McKinley Shot, Assassin’s Name Changed To “Some Guy” Because Nation’s History Teachers...
09/06/2019
TODAY IN HISTORY! 1901: President McKinley Shot, Assassin’s Name Changed To “Some Guy” Because Nation’s History Teachers Can’t Pronounce ‘Czolgosz’

TODAY IN HISTORY! 1901: President McKinley Shot, Assassin’s Name Changed To “Some Guy” Because Nation’s History Teachers Can’t Pronounce ‘Czolgosz’

"What's more important, that I get us to state in football, or that I know how to pronounce some crazy polack's weirdo name?" Says nation's history teachers.

“What’s more important, that I get us to state in football, or that I know how to pronounce some crazy polack’s weirdo name?” Says nation’s history teachers.

“I don’t see what that George Takei fella is always complaining about, It’s beautiful here.” Said King, enthusiastically...
09/05/2019
Steve King Visits Manzanar, Says “Japs Sure Had It Real Good Here”

“I don’t see what that George Takei fella is always complaining about, It’s beautiful here.” Said King, enthusiastically describing the site of one of the darkest chapters in American history.

MANZANAR NATIONAL HISTORIC SITE, CA – Steve King (R-IA04) came to California today to visit the historical site of Manzanar, a notorious concentration camp where over 120,000 Japanese-Americans wer…

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