09/17/2025
When my children were born, I never imagined the seemingly impossible moments they would experience in life. In September of 2018, we faced layers of complex grief after the death of their father. My girls were in elementary school at the time, and we had already undergone years of the struggles he endured because of his addictions. How was I to care for my grieving daughters, while I also was overwhelmed? I found myself pushing my feelings down, doing my best to quiet the caged grief that rattled loudly inside my heart and soul. But the weight was too heavy for me to bear, and I knew that I had to do something different for my girls.
Through this experience, God opened up the opportunity for me to study the ways grief impacts our children. Grief can affect both our child’s academics and behavior. Grief can lead to difficulty concentrating, a decline in grades, or a lack of interest in activities. Grief can also affect a bereaved child’s behavior. Anger, dissociation, irritability, withdrawal, or increased dependency on adults can occur. It might feel hopeless, but here are four things to remember when caring for your grieving child:
1. Age shapes grief understanding. We can help our children by using clear, simple language and reassuring them they are not to blame. It’s also helpful to be truthful and transparent with our children about what happened; giving too vague of explanations clouds understanding and can cause confusion.
2. Secure attachments and routines help grieving. Children with secure attachments tend to grieve in healthier ways, trusting that other adults will continue to care for them. Maintaining routines as much as possible is essential for our children to begin the healing process. According to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, if the attachment bond is insecure or the environment post-loss is unstable, grief can lead to more emotional and behavioral problems.
3. Healthy grieving involves maintaining an internal, comforting connection with the lost person. Children are often classified as “silent grievers.” This means as caregivers, we must provide creative ways for children to connect with deceased loved ones. Creating memory boxes or albums and opportunities to share about them safely without it being “taboo” is essential. Encouraging questions and providing honest feedback helps children process their grief. Offering space for complex conversations and the validation of feelings can help as well.
4. Prioritize mental health support. There is strength in shared experiences. Individual and group counseling can build trust, resilience, and emotional regulation. This is for both us and our children. Safe peer groups help normalize grief and remind students they are not alone. Counseling can be tailored based on developmental needs through ministries such as the Stephen Ministries for adults and Calm Waters for children.
No matter the grief you are suffering, may God remind you of his promises, and may these strategies help you as you parent your children in this difficult time.
_____________
Brooke Caldwell-Shelor is a behavior interventionist, based in Edmond, Oklahoma, where she is dedicated to supporting students’ emotional and behavioral growth. With over 20 years of experience as a classroom teacher, Brooke brings insight and compassion to her work in education. At 43, she also writes from a place of lived experience—as a former widow who has remarried and now thrives in a beautifully blended family with three daughters. Her writing reflects a deep belief in resilience, healing, and the power of God to move in the hardest of circumstances. Brooke is passionate about encouraging others through personal storytelling, educational insight, and a commitment to building strong, supportive communities.
