07/31/2025
Ernie here....Monty tells me HE has now received, unsolicited in the mail, a box from Cologuard. It happened to me, as well.... here is my story from last year:
Ernie here…putting my dignity in a box in the mindfield….
Recently, I received (unsolicited) in the mail, a box from Cologuard. This is the company which wants you to mail them some of your p**p, so they can analyze it.
Imagine working in the mailroom there.
Truthfully, I want to go to a stockholders meeting for this company, just to see if the CEO says their profits are sh— this quarter. (Which for them, would be a good thing…the more the better.)
I called the helpful Cologuard toll-free number to ask if package was really meant for me, since I didn’t order it…they said, yes, your insurance company ordered it for you.
How thoughtful of them.
As a quick explanation if you’ve never heard of it….with Cologuard, the idea is to check your waste products to see if there are any signs of; A. Lasagna. B. Barbecue. C. Cancer. This is all part of a a new trend in America for the do-it-yourself-types, who don’t have time for pesky doctor visits.
It’s really true, you now can order your own medical tests if that silly doctor of yours, (who clearly isn’t as well-informed as you are, because you go on the internet,) doesn’t think they’re necessary. And it turns out, those tests are much cheaper than when your insurance company pays for it. Quest Diagnostics recently had a Memorial day battery-of-tests sale….(I’m being serious…I thought about getting a few of them…information is king, after all.) It was like eating at Luby’s with all the choices…Blood, heart, liver enzymes, Vitamin D in your blood, etc. Just about anything the hypochondriac desires, was available.
Anyway, back to the Cologuard box. I had heard of this process before, but was unsure how it worked. I thought I remembered my best friend of 40-plus years telling me he had used this product before…so I called him to ask how it worked. And as usual, my best friend of 40-plus years, rather than giving me a thirty second explanation on anything he knows about, tells me to stop calling him, how do I still have his number, and look it up on YouTube, before disconnecting the call, claiming he was busy… (This is the guy with whom I moved a couch up six flights of stairs, mind you.)
OK, fine…I’ll figure out this crap myself. (That’s at least FiVE p**p jokes so far. I’m on FIRE!!) There are several helpful videos on the process of using this cutting edge technology, some of which are general in description, some rather graphic, complete with sample process (It’s best I not explain.) But it’s not a difficult procedure at all..it’s just overcoming the natural revulsion of not flushing immediately that gets you. That was the part which made me put off it’s use…for months, until I received a text from Cologuard asking if my box had been lost in the mail, because the offer was about to expire. It was a nice way of telling me, p**p or get off the pot…or box, in this case. (And on a personal note; if it had been lost in the mail, please accept my apology to the poor soul who received it in error. I hadn’t been feeling well that morning.)
Giving in to the inevitable, I finally took care of business and sent it back in. If you want to know how it works, look it up on youtube…but I’ll give you a hint…make sure that canister is tightly sealed otherwise…let’s just hope there’s not a fan nearby.
So, now it’s a waiting game. First, to see if it’s all a big joke, and the feds break down my door for sending p**p through the mail. And second to see if Cologuard finds anything to worry about. I have no doubt they will…the entire process really is to get me to have a colonoscopy. Is there a do-it-yourself version of that?
Let me go check my Time-Life Home Surgery Books.
UPDATE: negative.
