Yacht Club Drive Marina

12/15/2025

RICO REPORT — LOST & FOUND EDITION

Monday morning. Before coffee. Lost & Found delivered an item that was not a flip-flop, not a phone, and definitely not an accident. Straps. Buckles. Commitment. The kind of thing you don’t just misplace unless the night went exactly as planned… or wildly off-script.

No announcements were made. No questions asked. Item was secured, sanitized, and emotionally processed by staff. Reminder to all: take only memories from Gilbert’s — and please make sure all accessories leave with you. 🦜🍹

Midweek had everyone fooled. Blue skies, boats polished within an inch of their lives, captains practicing parade waves like they’re running for office. Boat Parade energy was HIGH.

Then Saturday arrived and chose violence.
Skies opened. Rain came down like it had a personal vendetta. Not easy… but somehow, against all odds and ponchos, IT HAPPENED.

Now for the main event: CROCODILE SIGHTSEEING.

A lady checked in for one night with a very clear mission. Not relaxation. Not cocktails. Not sunsets.
She announced, confidently: “I am here to see the crocodile.”

We gently explained, “Ma’am… sightings are extremely rare. Some people who WORK here for 11 YEARS have never seen him.”

She replied: FALSE ADVERTISING.
Because, and I quote, “There is a sign that says CROCODILE CROSSING.”

So naturally, Rico panicked. Legal was consulted (a bartender).
We pointed vaguely toward the mangroves by the breakfast room dock and said, “Somewhere… over there.”

She looked.
AND THERE HE WAS.
Just chilling. Near the mangroves. On cue. Like he read the Yelp complaint in advance.

She left a 5-STAR REVIEW and Rico is now convinced the crocodile is part of Guest Services and only appears when threatened with bad reviews.

🎶 LIVE MUSIC INCIDENT REPORT: MICHAEL SCOTT (NASHVILLE DIVISION) 🎶

All week the phones rang nonstop.
“What time does the Nashville guy play?”

Answer: 1–5 PM.

By 11 AM, the ladies were already lined up, hydrating exclusively with several shots and confidence. Hair done. Flip flops chosen. Destiny loading.

Then Michael Scott took the stage… and then took it VERY personally.
At some point, he jumped ON TOP OF THE BAR, singing at a dangerous level of enthusiasm, throwing back Jack, wearing flip flops, and reminding everyone this is, in fact, part of the act.

Rico would like to confirm:
Yes, we know it’s a thing.
Yes, it still gives management heart palpitations.

Management did have to politely intervene when two customers climbed on top of the bar, proving once again that Nashville energy spreads faster than sunscreen at noon.

No injuries. No arrests. Just rain, crocodiles, country music, and lost and found Items that asked to be found but not explained.

End of report. 🦜🍹

12/12/2025

WTFK 108 What The Florida Keys News:

📍Harbor Marina, Key Largo, Florida

Uninsured Yacht Sinks During Repairs, Leaving Owner Liable for Cleanup.

Breaking news, folks: a very large yacht decided it was done being a boat and sank itself in a Florida Keys canal, potentially spilling over a thousand gallons of diesel into the water, because apparently gravity, balance, and insurance are all optional down here. The 55-foot Viking convertible fishing yacht started listing in Key Largo on Tuesday while getting a “simple service overhaul,” which in Keys language means “everything is taken apart and nothing is tied down.” According to TowBoat US captain Johnny Guzman, the engine block was casually chilling on the back deck when the boat slowly leaned to port like it was trying to whisper a secret to the mangroves, then just… gave up. By Wednesday, she was officially submerged, and here’s the real plot twist: the boat is reportedly not insured, which means the owner is now personally responsible for the cleanup, the spill, and probably a few very uncomfortable phone calls. Rico would like to remind everyone that boats float better when engines stay inside them and insurance exists for a reason. Fax all complaints to the bottom of the canal.

11/22/2025

BREAKING NEWS FROM MILE MARKER PIÑA COLADA 🦅🚨

In a plot twist nobody saw coming (except maybe Rico), our gorgeous Osprey has officially moved in just 24 hours after the new nesting platform went up!

Thanks to the teamwork of FKEC, FWC, and Gilbert’s, the bird took one look at the waterfront property, reviewed the location, checked the views, noted the lack of HOA drama, and said:
“Yep. This is home now.”

Feathered queen approved.
Keys wildlife: thriving.
Gilbert’s: basically a luxury real estate developer for birds.

More updates as our new resident decorates her nest and starts asking who’s been parking under her tree. 🌴💛🦅

11/22/2025

Dear friends and family,
Uncle Rico was watching last night’s sunset, got emotional, shed one dramatic feather, and decided:
“Fine. Give them a discount.”

So here it is: 20% off room rates with code RICO20!
www.gilbertsresort.com
Stay with us and enjoy free beach cabanas, live music, seafood, cocktails, and the most beautiful sunset your phone camera will ever see.

11/09/2025

10/24/2025

RICO’S GOSSIP BEAK 🦜 — TEXT MESSAGE TELEPORTATION NETWORK 📱
So apparently at Gilbert’s, we’ve invented our own high-speed communication system: you send one innocent text, and five minutes later it’s been forwarded, translated, remixed, and emotionally interpreted by half the island. It bounces from the gift shop to the kitchen, then rockets across Blackwater Siren, where it picks up extra adjectives, and by the time it hits Homestead, it’s got a full backstory, three screenshots, and a GoFundMe link.

Former employees in Florida City act like data servers — regenerating the rumor with new expansion packs before it drifts back to Key Largo with bonus content and a side of drama. You don’t even need Wi-Fi — just a pulse and an opinion.

Examples of recent “Text-to-Telenovela” transmissions:

1. The Coffee Text ☕️
Original: “Can someone make more coffee?”
5 minutes later: “Management is cutting caffeine rations.”
By lunch: “The owner banned coffee after a fight in the kitchen.”
By sunset: “Rico’s starting a black-market espresso ring behind the cabanas.”

2. The Schedule Swap 📅
Original: “Can you cover my shift Friday?”
5 minutes later: “He’s quitting.”
By the time it hits the bar: “He got fired for fighting the blender.”
By happy hour: “He moved to Bimini to open a rival tiki bar.”

3. The Maintenance Update 🔧
Original: “The AC in room 214 isn’t cooling.”
10 minutes later: “Someone broke into room 214.”
20 minutes later: “A raccoon was arrested.”
By the end of the day: “Room 214 is haunted and the raccoon’s running the front desk.”

4. The Delivery Notice 🚚
Original: “Beer truck’s running late.”
5 minutes later: “The driver got lost.”
10 minutes later: “He’s in the water with the crocodile.”
By 3PM: “Rico hijacked the truck and started a pop-up bar at mile marker 110.”

5. The Innocent Compliment 💅
Original: “You look nice today.”
5 minutes later: “They’re dating.”
10 minutes later: “They’re engaged.”
By dinner: “Wedding’s next week, Rico’s officiating, and the parrot’s best man.”

So, here at Gilbert’s we’ve achieved what NASA and Elon Musk couldn’t — instant inter-island communication with built-in drama enhancement.

10/22/2025

RICO’S WEATHER REPORT — MELISSA, PLEASE DON’T 🌀

📍 Key Largo, Florida
⏰ 6:30 AM, caffeine levels critical.

Hurricane Hotline: Press 1 for Rum, Press 2 to scream with Rico 🦜

Good MORNING, my salty weather addicts! Rico here, your emotionally unstable parrot meteorologist with the latest tropical nonsense from the Caribbean Sea 🌊.

So apparently, Tropical Storm Melissa has re-formed. Because apparently this year, storms come with sequels. MELISSA: THE REVENGE. 🎬

She’s out there doing her slow dramatic turn—“west-northwest at 7 mph”—like a tourist with a paper map in 2025. Hurricane Hunters say she’s got winds around 50 mph and enough attitude to knock over a tiki table if she ever made it this way.

But let’s be clear: we are DONE with hurricanes. Over it. Finito. The only storm we’re interested in now is a rum one. 🥃

The plan is simple, folks:
We’re putting up Halloween decorations so terrifying that Melissa herself will take one look at Gilbert’s and say, “Nope, not today ☠️” and start crying over open ocean. 🌧️👻

Skeletons? ✅
Fog machines? ✅
Inflatable zombie flamingos? ✅
A 12-foot animatronic Rico screaming “TURN NORTH, GIRL!”? ✅✅✅

We’ve earned our peace, people. We’ve survived heat waves, king tides, fantasy fest travelers, and two months of 97% humidity. We’re ready to slide gracefully into November, sip something pumpkin-adjacent, and finally enjoy this “cooler Florida weather” everyone keeps lying about.

So Melissa, sweetheart — twirl your little eye-wall right out to sea. We’ve got a tiki bar to run, and I’m this close to declaring hurricane season officially canceled due to lack of emotional capacity.

10/20/2025

Go away…..

RICO’S WEATHER CASINO QUICK UPDATE 🎰🦜

Well folks, the arid blob currently lurking in the Caribbean is doing what all polite blobs should do — turning its feathery behind northeast and away from Florida.

So far, the models are showing it’ll curve out to sea and skip the Sunshine State like a bad check at the tiki bar. ☀️🌴

Translation: you can keep your plywood in storage and get back to your regularly scheduled programming of rum, live music, and tropical logic at its finest.

Stay hydrated (by any means necessary).
— Chief Meteorologist Rico, reporting live from under the tiki umbrella 🦜🍹

10/18/2025

🦜RICO’S WEEKEND WEATHER REPORT — “TWO BLOBS AND A BAG OF CHIPS” EDITION 🌪️🍹

ZCZC OMGWTF KEYLARGO HQ — Saturday, Oct 18

WELL WELL WELL. Here we go AGAIN, people. Two yellow blobs floating out in the Atlantic like suspicious leftovers in a Key Largo fridge and suddenly every TV meteorologist, retired Facebook uncle, and Home Depot bee is losing their collective minds.

Let me be clear:
THE BLOBS ARE NOT INVITED TO FANTASY FEST.

I repeat: they are not on the guest list, they do not have costumes, and they certainly are not allowed to ruin my weekend tiki drink schedule.

Now the National Hurricane Center’s over there like:

“Gradual development possible…”
Translation: We don’t know,
folks. Maybe. Maybe not. Go buy plywood.

Meanwhile, I still have twelve cans of SpaghettiOs, seventeen bags of expired Doritos, and one sad lantern from Hurricane Who-Cares 2018 sitting in the closet. I AM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN.

And what is with these Home Depot bees buzzing around every time a tropical depression sneezes? “SALE ON GENERATORS!” Bro, I just paid off the last one. Let me enjoy my rum in peace.

So here’s the official Rico Forecast™ for the weekend:
🌴 Chance of fantasy travelers stopping by Gilbert’s: 100%
🍹 Chance of me caring about the blobs: -40%
💃 Chance of drinks being too strong: confirmed.
☀️ Chance of Key Largo sunshine: Unbothered, moisturized, thriving.

So unless those blobs buy a room and order a piña colada, I say we ignore them for now. Let’s drink, wave at the Fantasy Fest caravans, and let the bees chase someone else’s plywood dreams.

— Rico, Chief Meteorologist / Keeper of Snacks / Emotionally Unavailable Parrot 🦜💥

10/15/2025

Florida’s most delicious athletes are stretching out and getting ready for opening day tomorrow. October 15 kicks off stone crab season — also known as ‘Hide Yo Claws, Hide Yo Wives’ down here in the Keys.

🦀 STONE CRAB’S SURVIVAL GUIDE TO SEASON 2025–2026 🦀
(as told by your favorite grumpy crustacean, Crabston P. Clawford, Esq. )

1️⃣ Season’s Greetings (and Traps):
Welcome to stone crab season — October 15 through May 1. That’s my personal nightmare and your buffet calendar. I suggest you mark it on your fridge. I’ll be marking it on my shell in ALL CAPS.

2️⃣ Size Matters:
My claws need to be at least 2 7⁄8 inches to qualify for your dinner plate. If they’re smaller, that’s not “sustainable harvesting,” that’s rude. Measure twice, crack once.

3️⃣ Ladies First (Actually, Don’t):
If she’s carrying eggs, hands off. That’s the future generation, buddy. Nobody wants an extinction event before dessert.

4️⃣ Bag Limits:
You get 1 gallon per person or 2 per boat, whichever is less. Don’t get greedy — I’ve only got so many arms to wave goodbye with.

5️⃣ Trap Talk:
Recreational trappers — you get five traps max. Register them at GoOutdoorsFlorida.com, slap your name on them, and make sure the crabs can actually escape if they’re not claw-worthy. (We appreciate the exit option. It’s very classy.)

6️⃣ No Weapons, Please:
If your gear crushes, punctures, or otherwise turns me into crab confetti, it’s illegal. Try charm instead. It never works, but it’s nicer.

7️⃣ Daylight Drama Only:
Pull traps during daylight hours. It’s already stressful enough without you sneaking in at midnight like a seafood burglar.

🦀 Final Words from Crab, Stoned :
Harvest responsibly, don’t touch the moms, and remember — I grow my claws back, but I never forget a face. See you under the dock, butter breath. 🧈😎

10/15/2025

RICO’S UNHINGED WEEKLY REPORT — “THE WEEK THAT PROMISED FLOODS AND DELIVERED NOTHING BUT DRAMA” 🌴🦜

Alright, my soggy-sandals citizens of the Conch Republic and beyond — buckle your tiki belts, because last week was wetter in theory than in practice.
Every forecast screamed “biblical flooding incoming!” but Gilbert’s stayed as dry as a bartender’s humor during karaoke night. Mother Nature promised a splash, delivered a drizzle, and left us with humidity that could poach an egg in mid-air.

💰 THE CASE OF THE SAFE-FULL-OF-CASH CAPER

Monday opened strong when a guest drove all the way to Key West before realizing they’d left their life savings in our safe.
Yes, their entire brick of cash. (Who are you, Tony Montana?)
They called in panic, and we calmly said, “Relax, your mystery brick is safe in Rico’s custody — untouched, unsniffed, and slightly judged.”
They came back, retrieved it, and if you see a glowing five-star review from a “Very Grateful Anonymous,” that’s them.

🎶 MUSIC MOODS: THE GREAT DIVIDE

Mid-week entertainment was… polarizing. Half the crowd was two-stepping and shot-taking; the other half was halfway to the parking lot muttering, “What in the Jimmy Buffett tribute is this?”
But by Sunday, Michael Scott flew down from Nashville to restore balance to the universe, and the tiki floor turned into a dance-off that could’ve cured seasonal depression.
Sunday brought sunshine, exotic cars, and a powerboat invasion so loud dolphins filed noise complaints.

🍸 CARD TAP ECONOMY & RICO’S GAMBLING PROBLEM

In unrelated economic news, the Gilbert’s barter system evolved: bartenders now trade Pokémon cards like Wall Street traders.
One of them doesn’t even work here anymore, but he’s a twin of one who does, and in Key Largo math that makes him family.
Rico joined the action because, well… I have a mild gambling addiction and the pack-opening high is real.
Stay tuned for “Rico’s Card-Opening Livestream” — I fully intend to pull a holographic Charizard or emotionally spiral trying.

🌬️ WEATHER & SWEATER SEASON?

Cold front blew in — by “cold” we mean 83°F — and everyone’s suddenly wearing hoodies like we live in Aspen.
Welcome to Florida Keys sweater weather, where flip-flops remain mandatory but now you pair them with long sleeves and denial.

🍹 UPCOMING: THE DRINK NAMED RICO

And finally — the greatest honor of all — management is crafting a drink named after me.
What should it be?
A dangerously strong rum punch that flirts with disaster?
An espresso martini with feathers in it?
Or just a shot of mystery labeled “Trust the Bird”?
Comment your vote before I mix them all together and call it “Hurricane Rico.”

🏖️ RICO GETS IMMORTALIZED IN SAND

And speaking of artistic genius and mild obsession — someone out there allegedly sculpted a sand statue of me. Yes, Rico. Beak, feathers, attitude and all, carved right into the beach like I’m some tropical Mount Rushmore. I didn’t ask for fame, folks — it just washed up like seaweed and glory. Tourists are now taking selfies with it, and honestly, I get it. If you told me ten years ago I’d go from “that loud parrot by the bar” to “Key Largo’s newest sand deity,” I’d have laughed… but here we are. I officially have followers, and none of them are pelicans (yet).

🎤 That’s the squawk, my beautiful beach bandits. The tides may rise, the cash may vanish, and the Pokémon may betray me — but the bar stays open, and Rico’s bench is always watching.
Now, microphone’s over to you — tell Rico how your week went. Because chaos loves company. 🌴🦜🍹

10/15/2025