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Yacht Club Drive Marina, 107690 Overseas Highway, Key Largo, FL (2025)

09/21/2025

THE WEEK, ACCORDING TO UNCLE RICO

📍Key Largo, Florida
☀️September 21, 2025

Monday – “Cry Me a Monsoon”
Rain. The kind of rain that feels personal. Like the sky saw us having a good time and said, “Not on my watch.”

Tuesday – “Spin Cycle Extended”
More rain. The sky washed, rinsed, repeated. I started drinking early because the weather looked like a Nicholas Sparks movie without the kissing scene.

Wednesday – “ I Can’t Drink This Much”
Still raining. Fish were applying for residency at the hotel.

Thursday – “The Day We All Gave Up”
Gray clouds, soggy spirits. One hotel guest checked out early, saying we ruined her entire vacation with our horrible weather. Because clearly, the front desk controls meteorology. Yep, it’s right there between the “Do Not Disturb” signs and the extra towels: The Button That Stops Rain. We just forgot to push it. Our bad.

Friday – “Return of the Sun”
The sun peeked out. The ladies arrived in full color—hair perfect, dresses dazzling—strutting into Gilbert’s to sip cocktails and blind the storm clouds away with their glamour.

Saturday – “Southern Stampede & The Bench of Destiny”
Southern Stampede rocked the stage. People were perched on palm trees like it was a Jimmy Buffett safari.
Also, The Bench was born. Overlooking the beach, it’s the new hotspot for romance, reflection, and even a marriage proposal at sunset. *** pictured below…

Meanwhile at the Hotel – “Polka Dot Panic”
September was so slow, guests were outnumbered by employees 3 to 1. We gave a server the job of painting the breakfast room. He did. Including the floor. In polka dots. Looked like Minnie Mouse went feral in there. Now we’ve hired a crew to de-Minnie the place before OSHA shows up.

Sponsored By:
Tequila Sunrise – Because apparently we control the weather, but not your hangover.

BREAKING: Gilbert’s introducing

Weather Complaint Forms for guests who think the front desk doubles as NASA’s weather control center:
*********
Key Largo Weather Complaint Form

(Please fill out in duplicate so we can properly ignore it.)

Name: ____________________
Room #: __________________
Type of Weather Complaint:
☐ Too much rain
☐ Not enough sun
☐ Clouds looked at me funny
☐ Wind blew my margarita over

Preferred Weather Setting:
☐ Sunny with gentle breezes and free Pina Coladas
☐ Sunset Instagram filter mode
☐ “I’m on vacation, make it tropical” package
☐ Other: ____________________

Time You’d Like the Weather Fixed:
☐ Immediately
☐ Before I finish my breakfast
☐ Sometime this century

Additional Comments:

⸻

Emergency Weather Service Request

Because clearly, the front desk keeps the Master Weather Switch™ under the printer:
• Rain refund request: $__________
• Thunder trauma therapy: Yes / No
• Free upgrade to Sunshine Suite: Yes / No
• Do you understand how Earth works? Yes / No

Signature: ____________________
Date: ____________________

09/21/2025

BREAKING: RICO’S EX NAMED GABRIELLE - NOW A TROPICAL THREAT, TOO

📍Key Largo, Florida
⏰7:00 am on Sept 21, 2025

Alright folks, it’s your boy Rico coming to you live from the only weather station with a two-drink minimum and zero scientific credibility. Big news today—turns out that swirl of trouble in the Atlantic? Yeah, it’s Tropical Storm Gabrielle. At first glance, I thought, Oh no… she’s back. My ex-girlfriend Gabrielle—same energy, same unpredictability, same habit of showing up uninvited and ruining perfectly good weekends.

Right now, Gabrielle’s loitering about 400 nautical miles southeast of Bermuda, moving NNW at 8 knots—so basically creeping like she found me on Instagram. Winds are clocking in at 55 knots with gusts to 65, seas 12 feet or higher… just like Gabrielle’s drama levels after two margaritas.

Big news: Gabrielle’s pulling a hard curve—missing Florida and the U.S. completely. Drama queen move. And right behind her? A big yellow blob just following along like Gabrielle’s messy little sidekick. She’ll swing by Bermuda Monday, kick up giant waves, then vanish—classic Gabrielle: big entrance, bigger mess, zero commitment.

So yeah, grab your surfboards, secure your emotions, and as always, please consult your local weather office because Rico’s Radar is strictly vibes and tequila.

09/17/2025

🎙️ Uncle Rico’s Weather Rant – Live from the End of the Bar

ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE OF THE KEYS AND BEYOND—this is Rico, coming at you hotter than a July parking lot with breaking news from the Atlantic disco dance floor.

We got Tropical Depression Seven out there, brand new baby storm, barely crawling, but everyone’s acting like it’s already graduated college. Relax. She’s just doing slow circles in the middle of the Atlantic, trying to figure out her life like the rest of us.

NOW—over by the Cabo Verde Islands, there’s this ‘tropical wave’… pfft. Looks more like Mother Nature sneezed and forgot to clean it up. Weather folks say it’s ‘marginally conducive’ out there. Marginally conducive? Bro, I was marginally conducive to holding a job once. Didn’t work out.

This mess is sliding west at 15–20 mph, and yeah, might drench the Cabo Verde folks with some serious wet nonsense. Odds of it turning into something big:

• 48 hours: 10%—basically your chance of getting a text back from your ex.
• 7 days: 20%—like maybe, maybe that lottery ticket hits for five bucks.

Meanwhile, the Hurricane Center’s blasting out advisories under names and numbers longer than my bar tab—WTNT32 KNHC, MIATCPAT2… yeah, sounds official, but I think they just mash the keyboard.

So bottom line? Tie down the boats, keep the rum stocked, and don’t trust any cloud bigger than your house. Rico out. 🦜🌪️🍹

09/15/2025

UNCLE RICO REPORT: THE WEEK IN REVIEW.

Sep 15, 2025

Key Largo’s only reliable source for news, scandal, and things that probably shouldn’t be printed but here we are.

Mission Lobster: Success or Insanity?
The week kicked off with the Lobster Cartel’s heroic (or reckless, depending on your insurance policy) journey to deliver 600 lobsters by the weekend. Facing sharks, lightning bolts, and their own questionable life choices, they survived. The lobsters survived. Honestly, no one knows who was more traumatized. But they’re here, waiting for you—come get ‘em before they unionize.

Room 104: The mystery of the sink.
Maintenance was called to room 104 for what was politely described as a “bathroom sink issue.” Upon arrival, our heroic maintenance team discovered… a set of fake nails wrapped in a… we can only describe it as a latex party hat for one. Do we put it in the lost and found? Absolutely not. Some things are better left to the imagination—and the Hazmat team.

Wednesday: The Day Everything Happened
We rented the tallest, fastest water slide on the East Coast, or at least it felt like it after two margaritas. Tops were lost, dignity was misplaced, and in the late afternoon sun, someone in a yellow bikini decided 25 years without practicing a split was long enough. She nailed it. Gymnastics scouts everywhere—we’re waiting for your call.

The music was rocking, the drinks were stronger than your ex’s opinions, and the dance floor was on fire. Several attendees had to be chauffeured home due to “technical difficulties.” We do not judge. Our staff party went well overall.

Oh, and the stars apparently aligned for “career changes” because two hotel employees quit within 30 minutes of each other without so much as a sticky note goodbye. One of them doubled as the island’s private investigator, so now no one will know who stole the rum cake last Christmas.

Both of them will be dearly missed—we truly loved them and wish them nothing but the best.

Saturday Night Lights & Tears
Saturday brought us a teen band so good that people openly wept. Actual tears. Like, mascara-running tears. If this band doesn’t make it big, the world is broken. UNRAVEL Band. Remember that name.

Cabanas, Igor, and The Burning Breeze
Requests for cabanas skyrocketed because of one man: Igor. He’s attentive. He’s handsome. He serves drinks like a Greek god pouring nectar down from Mount Olympus. And just as his ego reached peak altitude, The Burning Breeze returned. Their lead singer took off his hat, ordered a drink, and made direct eye contact with a server who may or may not have blacked out for 30 seconds. It was… intense.

And to wrap up the week’s drama, the sky delivered the most outrageous sunset… immediately followed by a swarm of mosquitoes. Curtain closed. Week over.

09/08/2025

UNCLE RICO’S WEEKLY GOSSIP COLUMN

📍Key Largo, Florida
🕒 September 8, 2025

Oh, boy… where do I even start?

First off, big thanks to Labor Day for completely wrecking the space-time continuum. Tuesday got stuck covering Monday’s shift, Wednesday had a full-on identity crisis, Thursday started day-drinking, and on Friday everyone still was confused what day of the week it was.

Now, remember last week when I bragged about Gilbert’s being rain-free? Yeah, well… turns out bragging about weather is basically sending a hand-engraved invitation to Mother Nature herself. And boy, did she RSVP.

Saturday rolled in like a reality show villain—lightning, thunder, wind doing parkour off the palm trees—she brought the full drama package. The rain didn’t just fall; it performed. It poured like it was trying to win an Oscar.

Electricity? Gone in the first act.
Maintenance crew? Full panic mode.

Our Executive Chef, the New England guy—you know the one who wears his little Boston Celtics hat—came sprinting out in his rain boots like he was leading a rescue mission. Both kitchen managers joined in to save equipment, while one maintenance guy was… let’s call it “monitoring the situation” asleep behind the ice machine. We only found him because his snoring was louder than the thunder.

We canceled the band, tried to clean up, but at this point Gilbert’s looked less like a beach bar and more like Atlantis. The only dry patch of land left? Two parking spaces.

And yet, all day long, cars kept rolling in—parents unloading small children and beach toys like we were hosting a secret underground margarita rave. Folks, there was a literal monsoon happening, and people were still shocked we weren’t serving tacos.

But hey—if it’s not Gilbert’s on the weekend, is it even the weekend? Didn’t think so.

Stop everything. Sound the alarms. Apparently, we have an art heist at Gilbert’s. Yes, you heard right—some mastermind checked out of their room and waltzed off with not one, but TWO framed pictures of palm leaves. Housekeeping didn’t even notice at first because the walls were left looking so clean, so pristine, so… intentionally empty. Like Banksy himself had been here and the art just self-destructed. How valuable were these pieces, you ask? Oh, priceless. We’re talking IKEA Limited Edition 2019 priceless. Somewhere out there, in a dimly lit living room, someone is sipping boxed wine under their new “tropical art collection,” thinking they’ve really made it.

Breaking news from the front lines of paradise: Our cabana attendant—yes, the one who looks like a Greek God vacationing from Mount Olympus—has once again stolen the show. Fluent in Greek, conversational in broken English, and apparently fluent in making hearts flutter, this man has been drawing more attention than a hurricane warning in September.

Unlike graduates of the South Florida School of Hospitality (where “smile, nod, and upsell” is the official curriculum), this guy actually cares if your cabana experience hits five stars—or six if that were a thing. Towel placement? Perfect. Drink service? Impeccable.

And for the record, he now receives multiple love letters a week. At this point, I’m just waiting for the Lifetime movie deal to hit his inbox.

And that concludes last week’s episode of AS GILBERTS TURNS. Your drama better be good—mic 🎤 is yours…

09/05/2025

🎰 RICO’S WEATHER CASINO – NOW OPEN 🎰
Ladies, gentlemen, and tropical storm enthusiasts, welcome to Rico’s Weather Casino, where the drinks are strong, the bets are wild, and the payout is worth absolutely nothing but bragging rights and an “I told you so” moment next Friday.

Over at the North Atlantic Tropical Rodeo, we’ve got AL91 – a broad, moody teenager of a storm system currently throwing showers and thunderstorms like a rock band trashes hotel rooms. Environmental conditions are looking spicy, and the storm is about this close 🤏 to becoming a tropical depression by the weekend.

Current odds at Rico’s Casino:
• Straight to the Gulf of America: 3 to 1
• Caribbean Vacation: 5 to 1
• Atlantic Swerve & Miss Everything: 7 to 1
• Lesser Antilles Get a Visit: Even money, baby

It’s crawling westward at a blazing 5 to 10 mph—so basically the speed of your uncle leaving the bar at closing time.

The National Hurricane Center says:
• 48 hours: 60% chance of stormy drama
• 7 days: 90% chance, so basically yes, but we’re pretending it’s suspenseful.

Place your bets, folks. Winner gets nothing but bragging rights and a shot of tequila at home.
Results announced next Friday. Same Rico time. Same Rico channel.

09/04/2025

RICO’S BREAKING NEWS:
Hold onto your selfie sticks, folks—Key West’s most photographed hunk of concrete, the Southernmost Point Buoy, is officially going into witness protection. Yep, starting September 2025, the OG buoy will be whisked away to a safehouse while workers give the seawall a glow-up after years of storm smackdowns.

But don’t panic—tourists can still get that iconic “Look, I’m basically in Cuba!” photo because a replica buoy is moving in at Duval Street Pocket Park. Think of it as the stunt double of landmarks: looks the same, just less… historical.

The whole operation will take about a year, so until late 2026, your vacation pics will feature the understudy buoy. Same pose, same colors, slightly different street corner. History purists, you’ll survive.

Rico out—currently trying to convince people this is actually a good time to launch my new attraction: The Northernmost Point of Key West—aka my backyard. $5 per photo, BYO props.

09/01/2025

UNCLE RICO’S WEATHER: LIKE YOUR EX, UNRELIABLE BUT HARD TO IGNORE

📍 Labor Day in Key Largo
⏱️ 9 AM-ish

🚨 Eastern Tropical Atlantic: Blobs Be Blobbin’

That suspicious yellow blob hanging out way over in the far Atlantic is trying to get its life together. Right now, it’s just a messy shower-and-thunderstorm situation—basically looks like a group project with no leader. Conditions might let it glow up into a tropical depression later this week or next weekend.
Right now it’s just drifting west at 15 mph like a lazy Uber driver.

📉•Chance of forming in the next 48 hours: 0%
(don’t lose sleep).
📈•Chance of forming in the next 7 days: 40%
(eh, maybe).

☁️ Key Largo Labor Day Update:
Currently 82°, but she feels like 83° (so basically the same, but sassier). Expect thunderstorms to crash the party between 10AM and noon, then they’ll ghost and leave things partly cloudy by lunchtime.

Highs will flirt with 87°, lows around 79°. Feels-like temp: 81°–89°, depending on how dramatic you are.

Gilbert’s Labor Day Rule: You Chill, We Grind 🌤️

08/30/2025

Labor Day weekend at Gilbert’s is ON! 🎉
🎶 Sat: Different Faces 1–5 & Ricky Valido 7pm
🎶 Sun: Ego Freek Band 1–5
🎶 Mon: Southern Stampede 1–5
Good vibes, cold drinks, live music all weekend long!

08/26/2025

Trivia Tuesday: what year is this? Don’t worry, we’re just as lost as you are.

08/25/2025

MEASURING LOBSTERS: BECAUSE SIZE DOES MATTER

📍Key Largo, Florida
🕛 3 inches or Bust

Your Favorite Spiny Lobster, Who Hates You, Speaking.

How to Measure Me:

1. Step 1: Show me the gauge – Oh, look at you, Diver Dora, pulling out your little lobster ruler. What are you compensating for?

2. Step 2: Keep me underwater – Yeah, genius, measure me in the water. I’m not auditioning for Finding Nemo on Ice.

3. Step 3: Start at my eye-horns – Those pointy things on my forehead? Not antennas, Karen. Place your gadget right there.

4. Step 4: Slide it down my shell – Real classy. Nothing says romance like dragging a piece of metal down my back.

5. Step 5: Judgment day –
•If your toy ruler falls off: surprise! I’m underage. Hands off, perv. 🚫
•If it doesn’t fall off: congrats, you won lobster bingo. Now it’s butter bath o’clock. 🧄🧈🍋

Don’t be an idiot—or your mugshot’s gonna end up on Florida Man Weekly

08/25/2025

🌀 UNCLE RICO’S WEEKLY GOSSIP COLUMN 🌀

THE HAZARD THEY DON’T WARN YOU ABOUT
📍 Key Largo Parking Lot
🕒 Probably too many rum runners

So apparently the decorative planter in the middle of the parking lot has officially been declared a hazard. Not by OSHA, but by the parking lot penguins (aka rum-fueled acrobats) who keep face-planting into it like it’s a sidewalk ambush. Personally? I think it’s cute—nothing wrong with a little landscaping. The only danger here is to your pride… and your knees. Oh, and the plant itself? Bougainvillea… booganvalia… buganvelia? Honestly, I hope I spelled it wrong, because that thing’s been spelling disaster for half the tiki bar after midnight. 🌺🍹

BREAKING NEWS
Wednesday at Gilbert’s turned into a scene when Channel 10’s Janine Stanwood—yes, that Janine, the one I’ve been secretly crushing on for years—showed up with a camera crew. I may or may not have dramatically fallen off my barstool (pure coincidence, stop asking). Apparently, we’re newsworthy now. 🎥 Stay tuned.

THE FLORIDA KEYS CIRCUS ROLLS ON
People are still rolling in with coolers, BBQ grills, and enough booze to fuel a frat house—stuffed in baby diaper bags like it’s Ocean’s Eleven. 🎒🍼 Security isn’t impressed. And yes, the highlight of the week was a man who brought a microwave and looked heartbroken when he couldn’t plug it in. Sorry buddy, it’s a bar, not a break room. 🍲😂

THE HAMMOCK ENTREPRENEUR 🌴
One lady tried setting up her own hammock rental business between two of our palm trees. Handwritten sign and everything: “$10 for 15 minutes.” Respect the hustle… but also, no. 🌴

GILBERT’S SOLD?!
Not that we know of, but apparently the rumor mill is working harder than our blender on a Saturday night. 🍹 At least once a week someone swears Gilbert’s has been sold to… Disney, Margaritaville, the Illuminati, Elon Musk, Oprah, or maybe that one guy from A&B Marina in KW. 🙃

Newsflash: if Gilbert’s was sold, you wouldn’t hear it first from your cousin’s neighbor’s hairdresser. You’d hear it from me, Uncle Rico, yelling across the parking lot with a megaphone. 📣🌴 Why? Because I’ll probably be the very first person fired. Weather Channel, here I come.

STORM PATROL
So apparently a woman posted a video of herself “driving” through the biggest storm of the week… except, plot twist, she wasn’t even driving—she was in the passenger seat narrating like it was the Weather Channel. 🌪️🎥 When people asked where she was headed? “Gilbert’s.”

Ma’am. We love the dedication, but this isn’t NASCAR, it’s a tiki bar. Please stay safe—we need you alive to keep making us viral. And also… thank you. We’re flattered, slightly concerned, and questioning your life insurance policy. 🍹❤️

Because when you risk it all for a frozen daiquiri… that’s real love. 💘🍓❄️

BBC NEWS ALERT
BBC News is checking in to Gilbert’s Resort again—this time to film a segment about dolphins. At first, I thought I was seeing things… but nope, they’re real dolphins. Sip your margarita, blink twice, and enjoy the wildlife show, folks. 🐬🍹

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