Yacht Club Drive Marina

11/09/2025

10/24/2025

RICO’S GOSSIP BEAK 🦜 — TEXT MESSAGE TELEPORTATION NETWORK 📱
So apparently at Gilbert’s, we’ve invented our own high-speed communication system: you send one innocent text, and five minutes later it’s been forwarded, translated, remixed, and emotionally interpreted by half the island. It bounces from the gift shop to the kitchen, then rockets across Blackwater Siren, where it picks up extra adjectives, and by the time it hits Homestead, it’s got a full backstory, three screenshots, and a GoFundMe link.

Former employees in Florida City act like data servers — regenerating the rumor with new expansion packs before it drifts back to Key Largo with bonus content and a side of drama. You don’t even need Wi-Fi — just a pulse and an opinion.

Examples of recent “Text-to-Telenovela” transmissions:

1. The Coffee Text ☕️
Original: “Can someone make more coffee?”
5 minutes later: “Management is cutting caffeine rations.”
By lunch: “The owner banned coffee after a fight in the kitchen.”
By sunset: “Rico’s starting a black-market espresso ring behind the cabanas.”

2. The Schedule Swap 📅
Original: “Can you cover my shift Friday?”
5 minutes later: “He’s quitting.”
By the time it hits the bar: “He got fired for fighting the blender.”
By happy hour: “He moved to Bimini to open a rival tiki bar.”

3. The Maintenance Update 🔧
Original: “The AC in room 214 isn’t cooling.”
10 minutes later: “Someone broke into room 214.”
20 minutes later: “A raccoon was arrested.”
By the end of the day: “Room 214 is haunted and the raccoon’s running the front desk.”

4. The Delivery Notice 🚚
Original: “Beer truck’s running late.”
5 minutes later: “The driver got lost.”
10 minutes later: “He’s in the water with the crocodile.”
By 3PM: “Rico hijacked the truck and started a pop-up bar at mile marker 110.”

5. The Innocent Compliment 💅
Original: “You look nice today.”
5 minutes later: “They’re dating.”
10 minutes later: “They’re engaged.”
By dinner: “Wedding’s next week, Rico’s officiating, and the parrot’s best man.”

So, here at Gilbert’s we’ve achieved what NASA and Elon Musk couldn’t — instant inter-island communication with built-in drama enhancement.

10/22/2025

RICO’S WEATHER REPORT — MELISSA, PLEASE DON’T 🌀

📍 Key Largo, Florida
⏰ 6:30 AM, caffeine levels critical.

Hurricane Hotline: Press 1 for Rum, Press 2 to scream with Rico 🦜

Good MORNING, my salty weather addicts! Rico here, your emotionally unstable parrot meteorologist with the latest tropical nonsense from the Caribbean Sea 🌊.

So apparently, Tropical Storm Melissa has re-formed. Because apparently this year, storms come with sequels. MELISSA: THE REVENGE. 🎬

She’s out there doing her slow dramatic turn—“west-northwest at 7 mph”—like a tourist with a paper map in 2025. Hurricane Hunters say she’s got winds around 50 mph and enough attitude to knock over a tiki table if she ever made it this way.

But let’s be clear: we are DONE with hurricanes. Over it. Finito. The only storm we’re interested in now is a rum one. 🥃

The plan is simple, folks:
We’re putting up Halloween decorations so terrifying that Melissa herself will take one look at Gilbert’s and say, “Nope, not today ☠️” and start crying over open ocean. 🌧️👻

Skeletons? ✅
Fog machines? ✅
Inflatable zombie flamingos? ✅
A 12-foot animatronic Rico screaming “TURN NORTH, GIRL!”? ✅✅✅

We’ve earned our peace, people. We’ve survived heat waves, king tides, fantasy fest travelers, and two months of 97% humidity. We’re ready to slide gracefully into November, sip something pumpkin-adjacent, and finally enjoy this “cooler Florida weather” everyone keeps lying about.

So Melissa, sweetheart — twirl your little eye-wall right out to sea. We’ve got a tiki bar to run, and I’m this close to declaring hurricane season officially canceled due to lack of emotional capacity.

10/20/2025

Go away…..

RICO’S WEATHER CASINO QUICK UPDATE 🎰🦜

Well folks, the arid blob currently lurking in the Caribbean is doing what all polite blobs should do — turning its feathery behind northeast and away from Florida.

So far, the models are showing it’ll curve out to sea and skip the Sunshine State like a bad check at the tiki bar. ☀️🌴

Translation: you can keep your plywood in storage and get back to your regularly scheduled programming of rum, live music, and tropical logic at its finest.

Stay hydrated (by any means necessary).
— Chief Meteorologist Rico, reporting live from under the tiki umbrella 🦜🍹

10/18/2025

🦜RICO’S WEEKEND WEATHER REPORT — “TWO BLOBS AND A BAG OF CHIPS” EDITION 🌪️🍹

ZCZC OMGWTF KEYLARGO HQ — Saturday, Oct 18

WELL WELL WELL. Here we go AGAIN, people. Two yellow blobs floating out in the Atlantic like suspicious leftovers in a Key Largo fridge and suddenly every TV meteorologist, retired Facebook uncle, and Home Depot bee is losing their collective minds.

Let me be clear:
THE BLOBS ARE NOT INVITED TO FANTASY FEST.

I repeat: they are not on the guest list, they do not have costumes, and they certainly are not allowed to ruin my weekend tiki drink schedule.

Now the National Hurricane Center’s over there like:

“Gradual development possible…”
Translation: We don’t know,
folks. Maybe. Maybe not. Go buy plywood.

Meanwhile, I still have twelve cans of SpaghettiOs, seventeen bags of expired Doritos, and one sad lantern from Hurricane Who-Cares 2018 sitting in the closet. I AM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN.

And what is with these Home Depot bees buzzing around every time a tropical depression sneezes? “SALE ON GENERATORS!” Bro, I just paid off the last one. Let me enjoy my rum in peace.

So here’s the official Rico Forecast™ for the weekend:
🌴 Chance of fantasy travelers stopping by Gilbert’s: 100%
🍹 Chance of me caring about the blobs: -40%
💃 Chance of drinks being too strong: confirmed.
☀️ Chance of Key Largo sunshine: Unbothered, moisturized, thriving.

So unless those blobs buy a room and order a piña colada, I say we ignore them for now. Let’s drink, wave at the Fantasy Fest caravans, and let the bees chase someone else’s plywood dreams.

— Rico, Chief Meteorologist / Keeper of Snacks / Emotionally Unavailable Parrot 🦜💥

10/15/2025

Florida’s most delicious athletes are stretching out and getting ready for opening day tomorrow. October 15 kicks off stone crab season — also known as ‘Hide Yo Claws, Hide Yo Wives’ down here in the Keys.

🦀 STONE CRAB’S SURVIVAL GUIDE TO SEASON 2025–2026 🦀
(as told by your favorite grumpy crustacean, Crabston P. Clawford, Esq. )

1️⃣ Season’s Greetings (and Traps):
Welcome to stone crab season — October 15 through May 1. That’s my personal nightmare and your buffet calendar. I suggest you mark it on your fridge. I’ll be marking it on my shell in ALL CAPS.

2️⃣ Size Matters:
My claws need to be at least 2 7⁄8 inches to qualify for your dinner plate. If they’re smaller, that’s not “sustainable harvesting,” that’s rude. Measure twice, crack once.

3️⃣ Ladies First (Actually, Don’t):
If she’s carrying eggs, hands off. That’s the future generation, buddy. Nobody wants an extinction event before dessert.

4️⃣ Bag Limits:
You get 1 gallon per person or 2 per boat, whichever is less. Don’t get greedy — I’ve only got so many arms to wave goodbye with.

5️⃣ Trap Talk:
Recreational trappers — you get five traps max. Register them at GoOutdoorsFlorida.com, slap your name on them, and make sure the crabs can actually escape if they’re not claw-worthy. (We appreciate the exit option. It’s very classy.)

6️⃣ No Weapons, Please:
If your gear crushes, punctures, or otherwise turns me into crab confetti, it’s illegal. Try charm instead. It never works, but it’s nicer.

7️⃣ Daylight Drama Only:
Pull traps during daylight hours. It’s already stressful enough without you sneaking in at midnight like a seafood burglar.

🦀 Final Words from Crab, Stoned :
Harvest responsibly, don’t touch the moms, and remember — I grow my claws back, but I never forget a face. See you under the dock, butter breath. 🧈😎

10/15/2025

RICO’S UNHINGED WEEKLY REPORT — “THE WEEK THAT PROMISED FLOODS AND DELIVERED NOTHING BUT DRAMA” 🌴🦜

Alright, my soggy-sandals citizens of the Conch Republic and beyond — buckle your tiki belts, because last week was wetter in theory than in practice.
Every forecast screamed “biblical flooding incoming!” but Gilbert’s stayed as dry as a bartender’s humor during karaoke night. Mother Nature promised a splash, delivered a drizzle, and left us with humidity that could poach an egg in mid-air.

💰 THE CASE OF THE SAFE-FULL-OF-CASH CAPER

Monday opened strong when a guest drove all the way to Key West before realizing they’d left their life savings in our safe.
Yes, their entire brick of cash. (Who are you, Tony Montana?)
They called in panic, and we calmly said, “Relax, your mystery brick is safe in Rico’s custody — untouched, unsniffed, and slightly judged.”
They came back, retrieved it, and if you see a glowing five-star review from a “Very Grateful Anonymous,” that’s them.

🎶 MUSIC MOODS: THE GREAT DIVIDE

Mid-week entertainment was… polarizing. Half the crowd was two-stepping and shot-taking; the other half was halfway to the parking lot muttering, “What in the Jimmy Buffett tribute is this?”
But by Sunday, Michael Scott flew down from Nashville to restore balance to the universe, and the tiki floor turned into a dance-off that could’ve cured seasonal depression.
Sunday brought sunshine, exotic cars, and a powerboat invasion so loud dolphins filed noise complaints.

🍸 CARD TAP ECONOMY & RICO’S GAMBLING PROBLEM

In unrelated economic news, the Gilbert’s barter system evolved: bartenders now trade Pokémon cards like Wall Street traders.
One of them doesn’t even work here anymore, but he’s a twin of one who does, and in Key Largo math that makes him family.
Rico joined the action because, well… I have a mild gambling addiction and the pack-opening high is real.
Stay tuned for “Rico’s Card-Opening Livestream” — I fully intend to pull a holographic Charizard or emotionally spiral trying.

🌬️ WEATHER & SWEATER SEASON?

Cold front blew in — by “cold” we mean 83°F — and everyone’s suddenly wearing hoodies like we live in Aspen.
Welcome to Florida Keys sweater weather, where flip-flops remain mandatory but now you pair them with long sleeves and denial.

🍹 UPCOMING: THE DRINK NAMED RICO

And finally — the greatest honor of all — management is crafting a drink named after me.
What should it be?
A dangerously strong rum punch that flirts with disaster?
An espresso martini with feathers in it?
Or just a shot of mystery labeled “Trust the Bird”?
Comment your vote before I mix them all together and call it “Hurricane Rico.”

🏖️ RICO GETS IMMORTALIZED IN SAND

And speaking of artistic genius and mild obsession — someone out there allegedly sculpted a sand statue of me. Yes, Rico. Beak, feathers, attitude and all, carved right into the beach like I’m some tropical Mount Rushmore. I didn’t ask for fame, folks — it just washed up like seaw**d and glory. Tourists are now taking selfies with it, and honestly, I get it. If you told me ten years ago I’d go from “that loud parrot by the bar” to “Key Largo’s newest sand deity,” I’d have laughed… but here we are. I officially have followers, and none of them are pelicans (yet).

🎤 That’s the squawk, my beautiful beach bandits. The tides may rise, the cash may vanish, and the Pokémon may betray me — but the bar stays open, and Rico’s bench is always watching.
Now, microphone’s over to you — tell Rico how your week went. Because chaos loves company. 🌴🦜🍹

10/15/2025

10/05/2025

KEY LARGO CONFIDENTIAL: RICO REPORTS LIVE FROM GILBERT’S TIKI BAR

You know that Monday morning email that says, “Hope you’re having a great week!”? Yeah—turns out that’s a curse, not a greeting. It’s basically a cosmic “brace yourself.” So naturally, the week started mellow… until Tuesday decided to roll up smelling like skunk.

Tuesday: the high point of the Keys🪴

A construction crew found seven trash bags full of w**d near Mile Marker 107—instantly making it the highest point in the Keys. Rico, of course, dropped a Breaking News Report before the news outlets even put their flip-flops on. Somewhere out there, a very sad smuggler is explaining to his boss that “the tide took it.”

Wednesday (or was it Thursday?): Law & Disorder – Marina Unit 🚓

It’s all a blur at this point, but one night the marina turned into a full episode of Law & Disorder: Key Largo Edition. Two friends who docked overnight decided to call the cops — on each other. By the time deputies showed up, it was less “nautical getaway” and more “dockside divorce court.” And just as things calmed down, a truck rolled in driving on the rim like it was auditioning for Mad Max: Key Largo Drift. The sound? Somewhere between a banshee scream and a dying blender. Cops stayed cool, called a tow truck, and got the man home safely. We love our local deputies—they’ve seen it all, and somehow still wave hello next morning.

Meanwhile, three families checked into their rooms around midnight, totally unfazed by the cop lights. Welcome to paradise, folks. Complimentary crime tape at check-in, remember, it’s October 👻🎃

Thursday: The restaurant was chill until a party of 50 walked in. It got loud, wild, and kind of fun — depending on how close you were to the bar.

Friday and Saturday: It rained everywhere except here — until the sky decided to fix that. A 35% chance of rain turned into a full-on flood, complete with a false fire alarm. The fire department showed up, found no fire, and stayed just long enough to hear the band.

Meanwhile, bartenders have an announcement: if you “like your drink strong,” order a double shot or a floater and pay for it. They’re bartenders, not rum fairies. You want it stronger? Tip stronger.

And then there was the guest with an emotional support python. Security said no, the guest pouted, and the feral cats of Gilbert’s were deeply unimpressed. One of them, a six-toed legend named Lady Sixx, stood her ground. The python was politely escorted out, dignity partially intact.

Sunday ended with a staff meeting — what happened there stays there. We’re a family: loud, weird, occasionally soaked, but still a family.

Summary: w**d, wheels, weather, whiskey, and wildlife. Just another week in Key Largo, baby. 🌴🍹💫

Now, I’m handing the microphone over to you — yes, you. Tell Rico about your week. The spilled drinks, the weird weather, the neighbor who mows at midnight — all of it. Rico genuinely cares. He reads every story while sipping a suspiciously strong rum runner and pretending to check the radar.

Go on. Don’t leave him hanging. Therapy’s expensive, but Rico listens for free. 🎤🍹

10/05/2025

RICO’S WEATHER REPORT — THE CURIOUS CASE OF AL95

A blob so red, it’s making the heat maps blush, a storm so extra it needs its own OnlyFans.

📍Key Largo, Florida
🕚 11 AM or so…

Alright my fellow storm stalkers — grab your rum and refresh that radar, because we’ve got a new dude in the Atlantic, and he’s thicc, moody, and shaped like an angry red eggplant. Scientists are calling him “AL95,” but around here we’re going with “Tropical Eggplant,” “Señor Moisture,” or “The Soggy Stallion.”

He’s been swirling south-southwest of the Cabo Verde Island, tossing disorganized showers around with the energy of a bad Tinder match you can’t quite block or meteorological mistake shaped like a produce aisle scandal.

The experts say “environmental conditions are conducive for development,” which basically means: he’s bulking up and getting ready to ruin somebody’s weekend.

He’s cruising west across the central Atlantic like he’s late to a pool party in the Leeward Islands — ETA: later this week.
Formation chance through 48 hours: 40% (so he’s flirting).
Through 7 days: 70% (so he’s already typing “hey stranger” at 2AM).

Could he become a tropical depression? Probably.
Could he turn into a full-blown storm bro with main-character energy? Absolutely.

Rico says what he really needs to do is pull a hard curve and flex his soggy muscles way, way out into the open Atlantic—just like the rest of those overhyped storm bros this season.

We’ve had enough emotional damage from the heat index, thank you very much. Go flirt with the Bermuda Triangle, champ. Leave Florida out of your tropical identity crisis. 🌴🍹💨

10/03/2025

RICO’S YELLOW BLOB UPDATE ☀️🌧️

📍Key Largo, Florida MM 107.9
🗓️ October 3rd, 2025

That “yellow blob” is just Mother Nature playing spin-the-bottle with rain clouds. Sunshine one minute, a downpour the next, then back to sunny before you’ve even finished your beer.

Some spots will get slammed, others supposedly won’t (Key Largo, looks like we’re on the “allegedly safe” list this week). But let’s be honest: expect rain, humidity, shine, rain, shine, more rain… rinse and repeat. Classic Florida weather — storms and sun, all in the same hour. What else is new?

🌊 For the North Atlantic, Caribbean Sea & Gulf of ’Murica:

Southwestern Atlantic / Florida Circus
That yellow blob in the Panhandle? Officially a 10% chance of “development.” Yeah, right — how’s it gonna develop over land? Into what, a Waffle House thunderstorm? A Walmart tornado? Please. This has less chance of becoming a tropical depression than I do of staying sober during hurricane season.

The pros say: “an area of low pressure may form near the Bahamas and drift across Florida into the Gulf.” Translation: it’s Florida. Low pressure isn’t a storm, it’s a lifestyle.
• Chance in 48 hours: 10% (aka your ex texting back).
• Chance in 7 days: 10% (still your ex, still ignoring you).

Central Tropical Atlantic / Africa’s Weather Factory
And look, another wave rolling off Africa — hot and fresh like Amazon Prime chaos, shipped in two days or less. Supposedly it’s going to “interact” with another disturbance. Great. Now storms are on Tinder: “Swipe right if you like thunderstorms, long walks on the beach, and ruining Florida weekends.”
• Chance in 48 hours: near 0% (aka your diet starting tomorrow).
• Chance in 7 days: 30% (eh… maybe, if it feels cute).

🌴 SUMMARY: Storms come and go… beer is forever. 🍻 Yellow blob who?

10/02/2025

That’s how we roll

UNCLE RICO’S BREAKING NEWS: MILE MARKER 107 GOES HIGHWAY

📍Key Largo, Florida, MM 107

Well folks, the Keys have gone green again. A road crew thought they were just moving cones at Mile Marker 107, but instead stumbled on seven trash bags of what can only be described as Florida’s largest salad mix.

Inside? A casual 156.4 pounds of ma*****na — that’s right, somebody skipped recycling and went straight to “hide-and-seek with the DEA.”

Discovered at 2:35 p.m., Sept. 30th, behind traffic barricades. Because, of course, the safest place to stash your w**d mountain is where guys in neon vests work every single day.

Rico’s prediction: somewhere out there, one very stressed-out smuggler is Googling “how to file a lost & found report with Monroe County.” 🌿