05/08/2026
I have been in a funk these last few days.
Wait... Preface...
For those of you who always want to jump and say I say too much on social media, shove it!!
For those of you that always say don't worry what anyone says or thinks, I NORMALLY agree with you, not this time. At least not until I fully grasp this AND figure out how much validity there is to it.
💯And if your comment is going to make me feel even worse or embarrass me, don't even bother typing it, because I will delete it. Unless it is constructive, it doesn't need to be in my overactive brain about this subject anyway. 💯
If in doubt, private message me.
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Quite a few years ago, I adopted a saying that I felt fit me in years past... Whether I was talking about drinking, using, or working in the clubs, I could talk the fins off a fish.
And I could.
And I was PROUD of that.
For a LONG time!!
Then things changed.
I started having conversations about harms done and making amends.
It wasn't cute anymore.
I was the most unbelievable manipulator, and in some situations, it was automatic. It had become second nature. I literally would weave it into conversations where I didn't need to make anyone think or do anything. It was just commonplace for me.
Now, let me pause, manipulation is not the same as lying. At least not always. God gave me an AMAZING ability with the English language, and I completely abused it.
I could apologize without apologizing. I could hide the truth without lying. I could make you believe something that I didn't even believe, if there was a benefit for me in doing so. I would decide I wanted or needed something KNOWING you were going to say no, and I could literally build the entire conversation in such a way that by the end of our time speaking together, you thought it was your idea to offer it to me.
I told my youngest about that last one a few weeks ago and gave him an example and his jaw dropped to his knees. I'm pretty sure anyone that knows me has seen me do it.
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So anyway, once I started seeing the harm I have done, And once I started realizing some of the conversations I'm about to have, I started really working on that automatic manipulation more so than I already was. I had began the process when Sam and I separated, because as much as it pains me to admit this to hundreds of people, that character flaw has ruined a lot of friendships, a lot of relationships, a lot of a lot of things. It has cost me money. It has cost me time. It has cost me jobs and, more importantly, it's wasted a lot of folks' time on their jobs. (2 podcast episodes away And it will have the word blue in the title)
I said all that to get to this...
This weekend I was having a conversation with somebody and we had a difference of opinion. And they said you will never stop being manipulative. I couldn't breathe for a second. I literally did not see anything in the conversation that was me being manipulative.
But, because it was such second nature for me, I literally have thought about it, reread parts of it, everything, and I just don't see it. So now I'm in this befuddled state where I'm not sure if I was being manipulative and I really don't see it or if that person was poking a weak spot because I wasn't agreeing with them.
I've also now realized that I have been manipulating since I was 4 years old. I have memories of field trips and bus rides and classes and conversations with teachers and conversations with other people in my youth group or in choir or in my jobs or whatever, and wow....
Working on something that is ingrained in you and has been a part of your daily communications skills for over 50 years is the most challenging thing I've ever encountered.
That person and I aren't speaking right now. Maybe we will in the future, maybe we won't. Either way, I can very clearly see my biggest focal point for change is most definitely going from manipulation to authenticity 24 hours a day 7 days a week, no matter who I'm talking to.
I have gotten a tiny bit better at watching what I say. There's been a couple times I've said things to Sam that I shouldn't have and I've instantly retracted them and apologized, which isn't what I would have normally done. I'm trying.
You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!
;)
