05/26/2026
I need brutal judgment: am I unable to forgive because she never fully owned what she did, or because the relationship is already dead?
I (24M) have been with my girlfriend “Jane” (23F) for almost seven years. I am not here for comfort or for people to tell me everything will be fine. I want honest judgment, even if it is harsh.
The main issue is that I cannot forgive her. I want to move forward, and part of me wants to forgive her, but I simply cannot. I have never directly told her, “I can’t forgive you,” but my actions, thoughts, resentment, and inability to fully trust her show it.
Our relationship started in 2019. We were very romantic at first, but there were red flags early on. That same year, I found messages between her and her ex, “Tony,” that were not explicitly s*xual but were flirty and strange. In January 2020, I found out she had sent him an inappropriate photo.
That year, our relationship dynamic became very toxic. At the beginning, when we had problems, she would emotionally withdraw, and I would chase her and try to fix things. Over time, I became tired, hurt, and resentful, especially because of the things I kept finding with her ex. Eventually, the dynamic flipped. I became the one who shut down emotionally.
I want to be clear that I was not a perfect partner. During conflict, I often froze, went silent, became cold, and struggled to express what I felt. Sometimes I stopped replying for up to two days, although that was not constant.
After discovering things, I also checked her phone whenever I had the chance. I pressed her with questions. I brought the past up during arguments when I felt judged or cornered. I know that was unhealthy. I am not proud of it.
But I never cheated on her.
In 2021, she started talking to another guy, “Tom.” He was the typical f**kboy who clearly knew what he was doing, and their conversations became flirty quickly. They saw each other several times, but according to her, nothing physical happened at that point. He tried to kiss her once, but she refused and left the place nervous.
In 2022, our relationship became very unstable and intermittent. We were not officially boyfriend and girlfriend at that exact point, but we were still seeing each other, acting like a couple, and emotionally involved.
During that period, she kissed and later slept with a friend, “Richard.” After I found out, it turned into a painful situation where it felt like I was competing with him for her. They ended up having a relationship that lasted around a year and a half.
I understand some people may say that because we were not officially together at that time, this may not count as cheating. I am willing to hear that judgment. But after years together, while still seeing each other and acting like a couple, it felt like a betrayal to me. I did not go out looking for other women during that same ambiguity.
That same year, she started talking to Tom again after they had not texted for a couple of months. In September, after a fight with me, he invited her to a party and they kissed. Of course, I did not know at the time.
Neither did her boyfriend Richard, who at that point was officially her boyfriend, although she managed to keep that relationship lowkey from almost everyone, including friends and family.
In December 2023, she contacted Tom again, and one day after reconnecting with him, they slept together. What hurt me was not only the s*x, but also the fact that she kept contact with him afterward.
She told me she regretted it deeply right away, even during the act itself, but if that was true, I still do not understand why she kept talking to him for around a month and a half afterward, why she even wished him Merry Christmas, and why she did not cut him off immediately.
In 2024, we tried to rebuild, but things never truly felt repaired.
In 2025, she contacted Tom again but later regretted it and deleted the messages. Tom saw them and replied days later. When he replied, we were at the gym, and she showed me the messages, but she had already deleted hers. Around two or three months later, I checked her iPad and saw that she was actually the person who texted first, not Tom.
This caused a very strong crisis between us in September 2025, when I confronted her about that situation and almost everything that had happened related to it. Eventually, we recovered and slowly moved on again.
In February 2026, I ended things with her because I emotionally collapsed over all the infidelities and unresolved questions. We were officially broken up at that moment, but we were still seeing each other because we had a very important trip pending, and the idea was to end things after that trip. The situation was emotionally blurry. During that time, she slept with a coworker, “Greg.”
Again, I understand that some people may say this was not technically cheating because we were officially broken up. But after almost seven years together, while still seeing each other and with a planned trip still ahead, it felt like another betrayal. I was not looking for someone else. I was still emotionally inside the relationship.
The pattern that destroys me is not only that she was with other men. It is that I always had to find out by myself. She never came to me and confessed fully on her own. Every time I confronted her, I felt like I got partial truths, incomplete explanations, or narratives that changed once I showed her what I already knew.
She accepts that these things happened, but she usually explains them through anxiety, emotional vulnerability, substances, our toxic relationship dynamic, or the fact that I emotionally abandoned her during conflict.
She says she did not do it to hurt me and that it was not about pleasure or desire. She says the real issue is the toxic dynamic we both created, and that this is what we need to fix.
I partially agree that our dynamic was toxic. I know I contributed to it. I know my emotional shutdowns hurt her. I know disappearing, being cold, and not being able to communicate properly damaged the relationship.
But I cannot accept that our toxic dynamic explains everything.
I feel like she avoids fully owning her choices. If she flirted, hid conversations, kept contact, sent photos, crossed boundaries, and slept with other people, then those were still her decisions. Maybe the relationship gave context, but it does not remove responsibility.
Another thing that bothers me is that she often denies desire or active participation. In her explanations, it is usually that she was anxious, vulnerable, influenced by alcohol, w**d, Xanax, or that the other person initiated and she “went along with it.
” But the messages I saw made it very hard for me to believe there was no desire or active participation. She flirted. She played along. She sent photos meant to provoke attention, even if they were not nudes.
To be clear, she never sent nudes to anyone as far as I know. But when she tells me there was no desire or pleasure, I feel like she is still protecting herself from the full truth.
She has apologized, but usually only during very intense moments, when I am breaking down or ending the relationship. It has not felt like consistent accountability. It feels like she is sorry when the relationship is about to collapse, but not enough to fully sit with everything and answer honestly.
We tried couples therapy, but it failed after I was asked to write an autobiography of the relationship. I collapsed emotionally while going through all the betrayals again. She is currently in individual therapy. She wants to leave the past behind. I feel stuck because I still do not feel like I know the full truth.
Right now, we are still together. I love her, but I also feel that deep down I want to leave. The problem is that I cannot seem to do it. I also cannot forgive her. I feel trapped between love, resentment, attachment, and the need for answers.
Her side is that everything we both did came from the toxic dynamic we built. She believes the focus should be on fixing that dynamic, not staying stuck in the details of the betrayals.
My side is that yes, we both damaged the relationship, but she still chose to hide other men from me, flirt with them, sleep with them, and then give me partial truths afterward. I feel that if she wants reconciliation, she owes me full honesty and real accountability, not just explanations based on anxiety, substances, vulnerability, or our relationship problems.
So I want brutal judgment.
Am I being unfair by not being able to forgive her after everything, especially because I also contributed to a toxic relationship dynamic?
Am I holding on to the past in a way that makes reconciliation impossible?
Or is my inability to forgive actually a sign that she never fully owned what she did, and that this relationship is already too broken to repair?
