10/14/2024
As much as i like to pretend I’m an authentic person, i don’t share much about the harder things. I love to dilly and i love to dally, but I’m gonna be cereal for a second. My relationship with alcohol is something I’ve avoided talking about. I never considered myself a self loathing kind of person, yet when i would drink i usually did it to forget myself, to fade into a haze and let someone else take the wheel, and when you’re the entertaining and social kind of drunk it’s hard to believe that energy can conjure up without the liquid courage. It makes it easier to lack accountability and stay avoidant of emotion, stay distant from everyone but also overshare cause it’s the only time you want to trauma dump. When something bad happened, i drank, when something good happened, i drank, because i would think “the good isn’t going to last”. I’m a happy person, with a beautiful life and have been given many great opportunities, whether i felt i was worthy of them or not. I’m not ashamed or feel sorry for myself, I do recognize how ever I’ve made things more complicated when it wasn’t necessary and finally i see that it’s so simple. I’m sharing this because i think it’s time i hold myself accountable and give myself a shot (pun intended) at feeling everything and being in the world without a mask, to let the good things come as they are and the bad things be a teacher. No need for escapism. It’s a good life.