Clicky

The Canoga Park Quilt

The Canoga Park Quilt Canoga Park's Only Free Online Newspaper! From De Soto to Topanga Canyon, from Van Owen to Nordhoff

Operating as usual

Darling of the GFWC California Federation of Women's Clubs, the hopelessly mismanaged Canoga Park Ladies Club offers a S...
06/20/2022

Darling of the GFWC California Federation of Women's Clubs, the hopelessly mismanaged Canoga Park Ladies Club offers a Sunday night middle finger to the neighborhood with another of their infamous open-door how-loud-can-we-go blowouts!

Oh no! Those dirty rats have fled our local  intersections with their dead baby scams and have invaded our jack-o-lanter...
10/30/2021

Oh no! Those dirty rats have fled our local intersections with their dead baby scams and have invaded our jack-o-lanterns!

We FINALLY got our photos back from the Costco Photo Desk despite having dropped off the film yesterday BEFORE their twe...
06/02/2021

We FINALLY got our photos back from the Costco Photo Desk despite having dropped off the film yesterday BEFORE their twelve noon cut-off time for 1-hour service! (Next time, we're taking it to Fotomat in the Mr. Stuff Warehouse Shopping Center in Northridge! Lesson learned!) Without further adieu, enjoy our hard-hitting coverage of The 32nd Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade!

Here's some fun: Search this photo and find the crazy man who, seconds later, came tearing after our innocent photograph...
03/31/2020

Here's some fun: Search this photo and find the crazy man who, seconds later, came tearing after our innocent photographer, yelling "That bitch just took our picture! Get back here, motherf___er! Gimme that f___ing phone!"

Awright, who okayed this nonsense? Spreadin' fear like this! Hand in your useless respiratory masks and clean out your d...
03/03/2020
Canogavirus Reported In West SFV Thrift Store

Awright, who okayed this nonsense? Spreadin' fear like this! Hand in your useless respiratory masks and clean out your desks! You're all fired!

Also, please use hand sanitizer before cleaning out your desks.

By Burton Cantara, Quilt staff DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY The highly contagious Canogavirus has been confirmed in the West San Fernan...

Good ol' DrJedly favors us with another infectious ear worm! (Incidentally, infectious ear worms are just one of the man...
01/07/2020
L.A. River Tourism Video

Good ol' DrJedly favors us with another infectious ear worm!

(Incidentally, infectious ear worms are just one of the many hardy, indigenous parasites you'll find in your local LA River.)

Come stay at the beautiful riverfront Los Angeles River. Take in the glorious views and fumes. Still no fish!

Headin' to the  First-Wednesday-of-the-Month Ladies Club for their 'Traditional Christmas Spaghetti Game and Bingo Dinne...
12/13/2019

Headin' to the First-Wednesday-of-the-Month Ladies Club for their 'Traditional Christmas Spaghetti Game and Bingo Dinner' this evening?

Of course you are!

We've partnered with the festive, feisty gals there to generously provide you, free of charge!, this card you can print out and play. Just place a meatball on each square as you hear that particular complaint!

Oh, look — new content! Finally! Worth the wait? You betcha!  And just as mangled and mobile-unfriendly as ever when vie...
10/10/2019
Homeless Woman Singing In Storm Drain Goes Viral, Captivates Canoga Park

Oh, look — new content! Finally! Worth the wait? You betcha! And just as mangled and mobile-unfriendly as ever when viewed on ANYTHING other than the Canoga Park Quilt's bank of expensive desktop news-puters!

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff DATELINE: NORDHOF F STREET A homeless woman living in a storm drain near the corner of Nordhof...

Only 11:58 p.m. and the lively music from the Canoga Park Women's Club - CPWC Sunday Night S**t Show has, for some reaso...
08/19/2019

Only 11:58 p.m. and the lively music from the Canoga Park Women's Club - CPWC Sunday Night S**t Show has, for some reason — stopped! But don't worry, revelers — it's not too late to get in on the fun! You’ve still got forty-five minutes of hooting and hollering and car-alarm blaring and brawling as drunken guests leave the parking lot and then another hour and a half of thumpety-bumpety dumpster-bangity beer-bottle smash*ty-crash*ty cleanup! The party continues until at least two a.m.! Thank heavens no one has to work tomorrow!

Thanks as ever, Fayleen! You do an AMAZING job!

The Canoga Park Women's Club - CPWC remembers Memorial Day and those who we lost by two nights of anything-goes blowouts...
05/27/2019

The Canoga Park Women's Club - CPWC remembers Memorial Day and those who we lost by two nights of anything-goes blowouts loud enough to wake the dead! (Though we’d be remiss to presume they’re NOT putting on another riotous bash Monday night!) Special thanks to that completely incompetent Club president without whose utter lack of commitment and total disregard for the neighborhood none of this would be possible! Magnificent work, there, Fayleen!

02/14/2019

♪♫♬ ♬♫♪

Birds do it
Bees do it
Even rats with typhus-laden fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Chatsworth horses
On the trail do it
Flies in their crap
Without fail do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love

The folks in fancy West Hills do it
Though they find it a bore
(But when addicts in cars do it
Then they’ll bitch on Next Door)

Reseda teens
Without means, do it
People say at C-frenz even queens do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

♪♫♬ ♬♫♪

Romantic roaches
It’s said, do it
Bed bugs, having moved into your bed, do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Gals at Xposed,
For a fee, do it
Porch pirates
Just before they flee, do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love

Screeching raccoons, we’ve been told, do it
(That’s the noise in your shed)
Cute li’l possums do it
—When they’re not playing dead

In Woodland Hills
Ducks in rills do it
Coyotes after finishing their kills do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love!

♪♫♬ ♬♫♪

"Two, four, six, eight, the Teacher's Strike is really great! Great meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorativ...
01/18/2019
Canoga Park Resident Hopes For Quick End To Teachers’ Strike

"Two, four, six, eight, the Teacher's Strike is really great! Great meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!"

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE Staff photo. Canoga Park resident Teódor “ Ted ” Pasternak has a messa...

A "wheel" winner of a gift! (Sorry, we're getting tired of coming up with good, rich puns when all we're doing is retrea...
12/20/2018

A "wheel" winner of a gift! (Sorry, we're getting tired of coming up with good, rich puns when all we're doing is retreading old material!)

Note the charming, antiquated reference to the necessity of a doctor's note — which, you young whippersnappers, is somet...
12/19/2018

Note the charming, antiquated reference to the necessity of a doctor's note — which, you young whippersnappers, is something we had to get back when we were your age!

Catch those infestations early, folks! No one likes to find mouse droppings in their stocking!
12/18/2018

Catch those infestations early, folks!
No one likes to find mouse droppings in their stocking!

Another smart gift-giving idea for the savvy Canoga Park shopper. But evidently not TOO savvy, as the store in the descr...
12/17/2018

Another smart gift-giving idea for the savvy Canoga Park shopper. But evidently not TOO savvy, as the store in the description sadly closed about two months ago.

9 Days 'Til Christmas! Another gift idea for the Canoga Park pal on your list!
12/16/2018

9 Days 'Til Christmas! Another gift idea for the Canoga Park pal on your list!

Canoga Park Christmas Gift Guide!  Day 2!
12/15/2018

Canoga Park Christmas Gift Guide! Day 2!

Double-up on your Prevacid, ladies — tonight's spaghetti bingo night at Canoga Park Women's Club - CPWC! Through special...
12/14/2018

Double-up on your Prevacid, ladies — tonight's spaghetti bingo night at Canoga Park Women's Club - CPWC! Through special arrangement, we've been contracted to create this exclusive bingo card for the event! Overhear any five complaints in a row and you could win an extra Zocor tablet! Fun night for all — well, unless the event's run by that completely incompetent club 'director'!

From the Canoga Park Quilt's Christmas Gift Guide! What better way to celebrate the holidays than to re-post old content...
12/14/2018

From the Canoga Park Quilt's Christmas Gift Guide! What better way to celebrate the holidays than to re-post old content originally written three years ago or so!

Apologies to the late Perry Como. And anyone who was hoping that last line would have the correct amount of syllables.
11/24/2018

Apologies to the late Perry Como.
And anyone who was hoping that last line would have the correct amount of syllables.

Happy Thanksgiving, spatchcockers!
11/22/2018

Happy Thanksgiving, spatchcockers!

Address

At The Corner Of Trusted News Source And Unbiased Reporting!
Los Angeles, CA

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when The Canoga Park Quilt posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Contact The Business

Send a message to The Canoga Park Quilt:

Nearby media companies


Other Media/News Companies in Los Angeles

Show All

Comments

Oh no! Those dirty rats have fled our local intersections with their dead baby scams and have invaded our jack-o-lanterns!
Just a reminder — get out there and vote early, vote often; and also, that Samantha Irby book (in the back seat, under about eight Arby's bags) is three weeks overdue.
We FINALLY got our photos back from the Costco Photo Desk despite having dropped off the film yesterday BEFORE their twelve noon cut-off time for 1-hour service! (Next time, we're taking it to Fotomat in the Mr. Stuff Warehouse Shopping Center in Northridge! Lesson learned!) Without further adieu, enjoy our hard-hitting coverage of The 32nd Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade!
There were any number of fun, funny, interesting ways for the Canoga Park Quilt to recognize the knitted "VOTE" sleeves on area poles.
This is, sadly, not one of them.
Well, this explains all those flyers we've seen taped down to the sidewalks along Sherman Way!
Fun!
Clock is tickin', folks! This is probably the last weekend you'll be able to enjoy the peace and quiet the effects of a worldwide pandemic has brought to our little corner of the globe!
Here's some fun: Search this photo and find the crazy man who, seconds later, came tearing after our innocent photographer, yelling "That bitch just took our picture! Get back here, motherf___er! Gimme that f___ing phone!"
Locals now love gloves more than love-gloves.
Our inspirnig new header picture!!!!!!!
Food 4 Less out of water again? Bring your empty Dasani bottles down to the sluice and drink your fill, citizens!
Give them girls a 'badge' of honor!
x

Other Media/News Companies in Los Angeles (show all)

Producciones lopez Pashtoon broadcasting Nicaragüenses Democráticos en Panamá El Mensajero MRTV USA Cinemazin Tv5 Promotion Howard Family Media Group Millennium News 24/7 Bouyon Haïti INFOS Monticello Neighborhood News الصحافة الدولية الحرة Fip-Un Kuhunguria Ngumo Ya Jesu Triumph News-Media Conexion Deportiva আমাদের বাফেলো - Amader Buffalo