06/27/2025
Something I heard in a meeting recently from another member got me reflecting on the idea of amends:
How do we go about doing amends with someone that has been abusive in the past? The key part for me is the phrase, "... except when to do so would injure them or others." I was always told that "others" includes myself, so a direct amends would not be in my best interest.
There are other ways to move forward with the amends process without having any direct contact, let alone indirect contact. Sometimes simply acknowledging my own part in the mess, learning from the situation, and praying for the other person to get the same help that I have been fortunate enough to have found is sufficient.
There is a parable in Zen Buddhism that relates:
A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.
The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.
Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey.
The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.
Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”
The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”
