24/07/2025
ICYMI
JEFF DAVIS COUNTY OUTLAWS CAMERAS, COMMON SENSE, AND BEING A WITNESS
FORT DAVIS, TX — In a stunning move that legal scholars are calling “utter nonsense” and “absolutely something they’d do,” the Jeff Davis County Sheriff’s Office has announced an aggressive new policy aimed at banning the public from seeing what deputies are up to.
Citing what one unnamed deputy called “an epidemic of people noticing things,” the Sheriff’s Office has proposed a sweeping new code of conduct for the general population, informally dubbed the Don’t Look At Us Act of 2025.
The legislation, which doesn’t technically exist and yet is already being enforced, prohibits the following activities:
• Taking pictures in public spaces
• Recording video of public officials in public spaces
• Looking at public officials for too long
• Remembering things you saw deputies do
• Being within 300 feet of anything that might resemble government
Sheriff’s officials say the policy is necessary to preserve “officer privacy,” especially in moments when they are screaming, fabricating charges, or aggressively inventing new interpretations of Texas law on the spot.
“Eyes Are a Threat”
“It’s gotten out of hand,” said a spokesman for the department. “You try to violently overreact to someone asking a question these days, and boom—you’re on camera. It’s not right.”
According to insiders, deputies have begun carrying citations already filled out with charges like “Improper Use of Eyeballs” and “Photography While Standing.”
One local resident was reportedly tackled for “holding an object in a suspiciously rectangular manner.” The object turned out to be a sandwich.
Legal Innovation at Work
Justice of the Peace Mary Ann Luedecke, speaking from behind a curtain, explained, “We’re not banning the First Amendment. We’re just regulating the part where it applies to us.”
When asked how these rules hold up in court, Luedecke said, “Easy. We make the rules, then rule on them, then rule that our ruling was right.”
County Attorney Glen Eisen added, “If you think this sounds like a conflict of interest, that’s just because you’re literate.”
Tourist Advisory: Leave Your Phones at Home
The county’s new visitor brochure warns tourists that cameras may be confiscated, phones may be searched, and asking what time the courthouse opens may result in misdemeanor charges.
The Fort Davis Chamber of Commerce quietly updated its slogan from “Gateway to the Mountains” to “Keep Driving.”
Resistance is Futile (and Also Disorderly Conduct)
Critics say the new policy is less about safety and more about shielding local officials from scrutiny. In response, the Sheriff’s Office issued a blanket statement declaring all critics “enemies of the county” and advised them to stop by the jail “for questioning.”
The statement concluded:
“If you didn’t see anything, there’s nothing to worry about. If you did see something—well, now we’ve seen you.”
Local officials say additional policies are in the works, including bans on “asking questions in a tone we don’t like” and “having a better grasp of the law than we do.”
In the meantime, residents are advised to avoid looking at government buildings, government vehicles, or the horizon.
You never know who’s watching—or who doesn’t want to be.
